Thursday, March 17, 2011

A word from a PBA alumnus

PBA alum Steven Demmler recently wrote an opinion piece for our friends at the Palm Beach Post. In order to reach a broader alumni readership, he's allowed us to post it here as well. Thanks, Steve.

Palm Beach Atlantic University's mission statement, "Enlightening minds, enriching souls, and extending hands," expresses the guiding telos of the university. Students hear this for the first time at "Fish Week," the school's take on freshman orientation. They hear it through four years of chapel services, and they are reminded of it one last time at commencement.

Therefore, the news of President Lu Hardin's resignation and guilty plea to federal charges of wire fraud and money laundering during his time as president of the University of Central Arkansas raised an important question in the mind of this alumnus: Did the board have PBAU's mission statement in mind when accepting the independent committee's recommendation to hire Hardin? Additionally, just how bad was the candidate pool that someone under federal investigation was the best choice?

Either PBAU's board of trustees was informed of Hardin's alleged fiscal misconduct, or it was not. If not, the committee formed by the board - whose recommendation the trustees accepted - was negligent. A simple Google search two years ago would have led to numerous articles about the "Lu Hardin/Central Arkansas Scandal."

Conversely, if the trustees were informed of his alleged involvement, then Hardin's financial achievements at the University of Central Arkansas outweighed any concerns, federal or ethical, that the board may have had. As leaders of a university bound by the above mission statement, they failed. If Hardin was the right man to lead the university toward enriched minds and souls, what material is the board attempting to enrich the students with?

Instead of seeking a president promising the accrual of status symbols - what a sad commentary that Chick-fil-A's arrival is considered a status symbol - they should have invested in someone who has shown integrity in this position. They should have invested in a president who better embodies the university's faith and mission. Financial strides and upticks in reputation ought to have been of ancillary concern. Of what benefit is it to gain the whole world and forfeit one's values?

The trustees are detached and aloof from the student body and the majority of faculty and staff; they answer to no one. And if they do attempt to be forthcoming, it is often only through short news releases detailing the board's many victories. PBAU's home page has two releases on the topic of life after Lu Hardin without mentioning why we are suddenly living a life after Lu Hardin. But don't worry, our head baseball coach is a World Series winner!

To err is human, and, thankfully, with Hardin's resignation, the board immediately has a chance at redemption, a chance to show that the university's highest leaders have not lost sight of their announced mission. There must be transparency on the part of the trustees. Would they have appointed Hardin if their students, faculty, staff and benefactors knew the truth? There must be a desire to see PBAU as a campus actively seeking to enlighten minds, enrich souls and reach out their hands without devaluing the faith to which the entire university is dedicated.

This means not dissolving, but creating staff positions focused on outreach and missions. This means investing more in students and the infrastructure. Finally, this means selecting a leader who first strives to be an impeccable embodiment of the university's mission, not an educational and fiscal visionary. If we (the school and myself) believe that faithfulness is rewarded, then let us be faithful to the mission and standards we declare worthy.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Navigator adds rules against money laundering, wire fraud

In light of recent administrative occurrences, Interim President Bill Fleming is taking precautions to make sure the university is able to move forward.

"We've recently lost an employee who was very well liked by students," said Fleming. "Our concern is that students will follow his example, so the board of trustees has decided that the 2011-2012 Navigator will contain a clause prohibiting money laundering and wire fraud."

Many students are worried about this change. Since Aramark has already done away with swiping other people into the cafeteria, it is one sophomore's fear that using another person's ID to get food may amount to wire fraud. "I heard what happened to Lu," said Jordan Skimmy. "I mean, he gave us Spring Formal last year, so I can't imagine what he did was that bad, but they might give him twenty years! I can't take chances like that."

"I'm going to lay low for a while," said a commuter student, deciding not to share his identity. "I'm not just worried about using my friend's ID; I'm pretty sure my mom signed the community values thing for me."

Other concerns come from Weyenberg residents, who are afraid that since they possess the only coin-operated laundry facility on campus, they may be accused of money laundering. "I'm just not sure," said Connor Knightly. "I probably drop 300 grand a semester just to do towels and sheets. Is Safety and Security monitoring that?"

President Fleming is confident, however, that despite student paranoia, the new rules will fit right into the school's established moral code. "It's mostly a formality. Like chapel attendance or Workship."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bill Fleming named interim president

An e-mail to students was sent out this morning announcing Bill Fleming as the Interim President. The announcement was made to faculty and staff in chapel earlier today. We will post more information as we obtain it.

Monday, March 7, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Hardin pleads guilty


Former President Lu Hardin pled guilty this morning in an Arkansas court to two felony charges of wire fraud and money laundering from his time at the University of Central Arkansas. He is faced with the possibility of up to twenty years in federal prison.

Rumors and allegations of gambling debts are circling as possible explanations for why such a high-salaried official would seek this kind of illegal pay-out.

Court documents can be read here.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Breaking news: President Hardin resigns

According to the university website, President Hardin has tendered his resignation, effective immediately. More to follow as we gather details.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Formal poll: What are your plans for spring break?


Results were, of course, gathered anonymously at the new Bacon headquarters, the Hyatt Place lobby bar.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day sweeps campus, Boaz to blame


While couples across the nation honor the feast day of St. Valentine, hopeful male students from Rinker to Towers have had their romantic dreams dashed to pieces in the past couple of weeks due in part to this year's women's conference.

"The situation is out of control," expressed a visibly dejected Shane Fortress. "One of the main reasons I came to PBA was because of the 17:1 girl to guy ratio. I figured I'd meet a nice girl first semester, settle down, and get married by spring of my junior year. Now they're telling me I'm not a Boaz? I don't get it. I'm not exactly looking for a Bathsheba."

Bible name-calling has escalated since the the conclusion of the women's conference. Many faculty members are shocked by this behavior as it seems to suggest that students may actually be reading their Bibles. Girls have been spotted around campus sporting t-shirts with slogans such as "Go Boaz or Go Home" and "I'm on a Boaz." WWBD bracelets are expected by the end of the month.

Hannah Szester, a Baxter resident, told us "I once read a book called The Prayer of Boaz. I've been really inspired to find my Boaz and expand my territory."

Critical of these events is assistant professor of biblical studies, Dr. Nathan Dane. "For one thing, Boaz was probably decades older than Ruth. And y'all should know that the Hebrew word for feet is also a euphemism for genitals. When it says Ruth uncovered his feet... well, I think you get the picture."

Still, the movement remains unfazed, and Valentine's Day traffic at the sea wall is projected at an all-time low, much to the relief of Palm Beach joggers and students parked at Chapel by the Lake.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

PBA joins CSI: family


Many CSI fans at PBA could not believe the news when it was first announced. Producers of CBS's long-running CSI: franchise had been looking to expand their brand and have chosen PBA as their new location.

“In addition to creating an academic program worthy of any vocational school, we will make an entertaining television series about the many unsolved mysteries around the school's campus,” said series star David Caruso.

Terry Twirler, director of Safety and Security, will be working closely with the show's crew in solving the many cases of stolen bicycles.

Particularly excited about the new project is associate professor of biology, Dr. Cynthia Teeth. “I can’t wait to see students solve mysteries. It will be like a real life game of Clue. I anticipate that students will quickly catch the person who has been stealing samples from the rat lab.”

When asked about the new paternity testing skills students will acquire, Dr. Teeth responded simply that it will be a useful skill because of South Florida's reputation as a popular location for spring break.

There is no official word on the plot of the new series' premiere episode, but rumors are circulating about a ploy to discover the long-hidden identity of The Bacon staff.

"Oh, we'll find them," said Caruso, putting on his sunglasses. "Right by the hairs of their chinny-chin-chin."

Monday, January 31, 2011

Scuba class cancelled, Steve Irwin remembered



News reports about shark migrations have flooded The Bacon's fourth floor library headquarters. The official word is that PBA's scuba classes have been cancelled for the rest of the week.

"It's not really a big deal," remarked Tyler Porkrind. "I'm just taking it so I can be considered full-time."

The late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin is being heralded as responsible for alerting West Palm Beach news stations to the event. Irwin died in 2006 after suffering injuries from a rogue stingray off the coast of Australia.

Marine Biology Club president Marissa Woofey was quoted as saying, "Steve is my role model. His energetic and informative show sparked my interest in wildlife. I also think that the Australian accent is sexy. Mostly the accent. The Marine Bio Club thanks Steve Irwin for watching us from above and always keeping us safe."

A bonfire memorial for Irwin will be held at 9:30 PM on the Intracoastal beach next to Chapel by the Lake. Chapel credit will be available.

Thank you, Steve. You are forever in our hearts.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Sailfish Cup update: Rinker residents accused of "doping"


In light of major allegations against Lance Armstrong by Sports Illustrated, Safety and Security is investigating residents of Rinker Hall for use of performance-enhancing drugs in the Sailfish Cup.

Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France winner and Rinker RD, declined extensive comment, telling us only that he is "heartbroken" over the accusations.

Testers have been surprising competitors with seemingly random urinalysis. "It's uncomfortable to have PBA bike cops watching you pee into a cup," said an orange-bandana-clad freshman. "Especially in the middle of the caf."

One Rinker resident related to us how he was caught completely unawares by the boys in blue. "I was taking a shower in my fifth floor suite, and I heard the door open. I figured it was one of my suitemates, so I ignored it. Then the curtain started opening, and I still figured it was one of my suitemates, so I ignored it. All of the sudden, the guy pulled out a taser and told me to keep my hands where he could see them. It was awful."

Though there haven't been any arrests made at the time of this writing, Safety and Security officers and Oceanview residents are patiently awaiting results from the latest batch of samples. "They've got to be cheating. It's the only way they could beat us," commented an Oceanview RA, casually slipping one of the testers a $20 bill.

The Bacon will keep you posted on the outcome of this story.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sailfish Cup almost underway

The beloved interdorm competition known as the Sailfish Cup is set to hold its opening ceremonies this Thursday night. Along with staples like the parade of banners, inner-tube water polo, and lip sync, the 2011 edition of the Sailfish Cup includes a variety of new and exciting events in its schedule, which The Bacon, proud official sponsor of the Cup, is honored to announce:

Thursday
6:00 PM
Parade of Banners
6:30 PM
Dance-Off
7:00 PM
Super Smash Bros.
Outrun the Safety and Security Golf Cart
7:30 PM
Ultimate Frisbee
Christian Sampson's Bible Trivia
8:00 PM
Dodgeball
Spelling Bee

Friday
all day
Actually Spot Lu Hardin on Campus
11:00 AM
Go to Newman Club Chapel and Like It
Rinker Balcony Water Balloon Toss
5:00 PM
Soccer
Volleyball
Steal Caf Silverware
7:00 PM
Chess
Scrabble
Basketball

Saturday
10:00 AM
Wake Up in Time for Sailfish Cup
12:00 PM
Street Hockey (men)
Knitting (women)
12:30 PM
Corn Hole (a Rinker classic)
2:00 PM
Introduce Yourself to an Honors Student
2:30 PM
Inner-Tube Water Polo
4:00 PM
Dr. Lovejoy's Tug-o-War
5:00 PM
Flag Football

Sunday
all day
Honor the Sabbath and Keep it Holy
6:00 PM
Lip Sync (held at H. G. Rooster's on Belvedere)

We wish the competitors luck in all of this weekend's festivities.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Bacon issues an apology

The Bacon, formerly PBA's most reliable news source, recently woke from a year-long slumber. Last Tuesday evening, an anonymous Bacon staffer took a break from Smokers' Wall, and actually wrote an article entitled "Campus-wide Wi-Fi a success among males." He then returned to his Towers apartment to utilize said Wi-Fi.

We tried to catch up with The Bacon for an interview, but were promptly denied. One staffer was thought to have said "We can't risk another Heather the freshman incident." Thankfully, we found this letter in our PBA mailbox the next day.

"Dear readers,

We are sorry. We have failed in our journalistic duties. In order to make up for all of the events we have missed in the past year, we would like to make a few formal apologies.

We apologize, Dr. Clark. We understand how terribly disappointed you must be. If it is any consolation, know that we will never forget to bring our Blackberry to chapel. That one goes out to you, too, Bernie.

We beg forgiveness from you, rebellious undergraduate and distinguished alumni. We're sure you've been lost in the dark without us. We shall not hide our lamp under a bushel any longer.

PBA faculty and staff, we implore you to forgive us our trespasses in not reporting the facts on internal goings-on in 2010. We are here to serve you as part of the holistic campus community, and we have failed in this duty. A special apology to you, Dr. Lovejoy. President Hardin, we promise to write plenty about you.

We've missed bug races, Sailfish Cups, countless Beacon articles, and another exclusive administrative Christmas party in the infamous Club Warren. We've missed news on the new athletic facilities and the ever-expanding parking lots. Most importantly, we've missed the opportunity to remember beloved professors we've lost. Dr. Hembree, Professor Seeds, we honor your memory.

The Bacon is turning over a new leaf and bringing this PBA institution back to life. Expect more posts on relevant events, some with classic Bacon satire, some with very little spin. We'll also be reposting some throwback articles in an effort to reach the tens of thousands of new Bacon readers and educate them on some PBA history. Finally, we'll be introducing a new feature with a decidedly serious tone to shed light on some of the less publicized happenings around campus.

Our goal is to bring you, the reader, information. We seek to promote honesty and healthy discussion. And we need your help. Send your suggestions and ideas to baconnews@gmail.com. We are your humble servants.

Kisses,

The Bacon staff"

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Campus-wide Wi-Fi a success among males


Two new additions to PBA’s campus are raising student and faculty eyebrows alike (among other things). Upon returning for the spring semester, freshman Ben Catwoman was shocked to discover a crisp stack of Playboy magazines outside of the Fresh Food Company, formerly Fraser dining hall.

“I wasn’t sure what to do,” said Catwoman. “I thought it might be some sort of test, so I ignored them… the first time.”

Some students, however, are outraged, claiming that the advocacy of such practices as pornography rejects PBA’s heritage as a Christian institution. “If I wanted to be surrounded by smut, I would have stayed in New Jersey!” cried a junior biology major.

With the recent dissolution of the Student Accountability office, many instances of student malfeasance are going unreported and unpunished. One look into the Baxter/Oceanview dumpster will show that residents may be doing more than brushing their teeth with bottles of Jack Daniels.

Regarding this matter, university president Lu Hardin went on record to say, “Now that we’ve finally installed wireless internet in all of the various dormitories, we’ve also felt the need to remove our infamous filter. All of us know about the passions of young men, and we don’t want them to stumble upon anything too risqué in this new virtual playground. The Playboy installation is a safe and quantifiable alternative to Google Images.”

Free distribution stands for the world-famous pornographic magazine can be found in front of the cafeteria and outside of the library, and they are restocked weekly. Tech-savvy students can find an e-book version available for download from PBA’s website.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sammy G residents complain, international student crushed



T. Suzuki was the victim of a camel attack as he peacefully enjoyed the Christmas cantata at a local church. Many of his roommates in Samaritan Gardens have been complaining about the noise the animals make in the morning. “They are huffing and puffing every morning, and I don’t even want to mention the smell” said Brett McDougall, the Samaritan Gardens RA. Other students on campus are reporting that they are tired of hearing Sammy G complain about the noise.

Even some of the animals have expressed their concern with the Samaritan Gardens residents. “They are constantly yelling at us, calling us names, and it is no surprise that Mrs. Camel acted the way she did. Our feelings are hurt and frankly, we are a little fed up with it” said the Donkey, whose role in the cantata may be at stake because of the incident. “They don’t hear us complaining about their loud music or constant longboarding throughout the day. I’m kind of glad the incident happened.”

T. Suzuki only suffered minor injuries, but says that he is now afraid of camels and is not sure how he feels about donkeys. He claims the animal looked at him in the eye as he passed by, laughed evilly and proceeded to flop on top of him. “Those were the longest 15 seconds of my life,” expressed Suzuki. “Good thing the choir didn’t stop singing; it would just have brought too much attention to the incident.”

Finally, Sammy G has pledged to continue this war against the Animal Kingdom. “We are not going to let one of our own get crushed by a camel and have them mock us with their noises each morning,” added McDougall. They are starting a campus-wide campaign using the slogan “The Camel Who Stole Christmas.”

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Graduation


Not too crispy, yet, not too chewy - you are DONE like some delicious Bacon!

Congratulations Fall PBA Graduates

Monday, November 9, 2009

Super Bowl ad raises enrollment numbers, eyebrows


New PBA president Lu Softin has been accused recently of suffering from delusions of incredible grandeur. In efforts to improve the school's public image, he has signed a contract to spend $3.1 trillion on a 30-second television ad to be aired during the Super Bowl on February 7, 2010.

"We're very excited about this opportunity to promote the school," said Softin. "We did some promo spots on the beach over the summer, and they really brought up our enrollment numbers, at least among girls from the Midwest."

Many students and faculty are up in arms about this controversial decision. Jaded honors students were witnessed picketing in front of Sachs Hall on Monday afternoon, watched closely by Safety and Security. Their demonstration did not go as planned, however, as many of the students abandoned their signs when distracted by an impromptu Socratic discussion on predestination.

Also vocal about their opposition are several theater students, who, despite having just received confirmation of their new facility, still complain of no support from the PBA community.

Prominent theater person Jean-Claude Pallous was quoted as saying, "That money should have gone to us. I mean, who even watches baseball anymore?"

President Softin has stated that he will stand firm behind his decision, assuring us that we'll be pleasantly surprised with the final result, though he refused to comment further.

An anonymous source from the film department, however, has informed us that the commercial is to feature PBA celebrity Sierra Minott twirling flaming sailfish whilst riding a blue and white Clydesdale unicorn around the brand new reading rotunda. Early drafts of the script included a rap interlude from former Mr. PBA M.Lot, but this was scrapped shortly after his sudden departure.

Neither Lot nor Minott could be reached for comment.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Alcohol awareness week kicks off, party ensues

PBA email inboxes were practically overflowing this weekend with listserv invitations to a cocktail party in honor of alcohol awareness week. Health and Wellness went all out for the event, even securing popular academic rapper Asher Roth as emcee.

"We just really feel that we need to get the message out there that drinking as Christians is perfectly okay," said Health and Wellness representative Cayenne Pepper, handing out wine coolers. "In fact, we encourage it. Would you like another?"

All precautions were taken, of course, to ensure campus safety. Signs were hung in the cafeteria to let students know just how much alcohol to consume in order to stay under the legal limit.

"It's really helpful," commented a female freshman. "I can just look at this chart and figure out exactly how much I can have next time I hit up Clematis."

Not all safety measures are foolproof, however. Upon leaving the party, a car full of biology majors swerved out of control into the middle of the Rinker Green. No one was seriously injured, but there were trace amounts of so-called "party drugs" in the driver's system. When reached for comment, the anonymous student said nothing but, "It was the rats, man! The pharmacy kids and their rats!"

PBA appears to have learned its lesson from this fiasco, leaving the car in front of Rinker as a reminder and posting Safety and Security officers--armed with breathalyzers--outside of the chapel during a Newman Club event.

"Listen," asserted a Safety and Security officer, "Just because they're calling it the blood of Christ doesn't mean they can make sangria behind the organ."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Reading rotunda opens, students confused

PBA's long-awaited Lassiter rotunda recently had its grand opening, leaving many students wondering about the possible uses of such a space. Featuring three floors of books and study spaces, an officially designated reading room, and located adjacent to the celebrated Club Warren, the addition is seen by some to be entirely out of place.

"I just don't understand why someone would want to do homework here," said club-goer Bryan Saran. "It's stupid. I mean, you never see people trying to read across the street from Dr. Feelgood's."

Students found studying in the new space have complained about the level of noise coming from the ongoing party next door, particularly the bumping beats coming from the pharmacy students' third floor rave. As of this writing, PBA officials have made minimal effort to address these concerns.

"If students want a quiet place to study, there are plenty of those places available on campus. They don't have to do it here," stated brand new Club Warren manager Steven Cook. "I usually tell them to try the student center, or maybe the Baxter lobby. This is a club, not some kind of library."

Despite the commotion, students wishing to study in the rotunda have largely found the experience rewarding.

"It really is a great place," commented a frequent rotunda reader. "My only qualm is that I get really distracted by Dr. Clark and Kim Kardashian coming in the Club Warren VIP entrance every night."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

PBA beefs up security in preparation for Socratic Club debate


In preparation for the Socratic Club’s upcoming faculty debate, entitled “Is Intelligent Design a Valid Alternative to Evolution,” PBA is under a heightened state of security.

“We are still a bit worn out from the whole SoulForce thing,” commented a bicycle-mounted PBA cop. “It’s tough work stifling free speech, but we think we’ll be ready.”

Despite increased security, Tom Cheeseknees, who will be arguing the pro-evolution side, is beefing up his own private security service. Because of his professed Catholicism, Cheeseknees previously hired Peggy “One Man” VanArmy to act as his bodyguard, protecting him from angry Protestants.

“VanArmy has done a good job for me. However, with the debate coming up, I thought it was time to bring in the big guns, so I've sought out Donald Lovejoy.”

Known for his superhuman feats of strength in the gym, Lovejoy gladly accepted Cheeseknees’ offer: “If I can bench 350, I can definitely protect that sissy Cheeseknees.”

The opposing camp, meanwhile, was brimming with confidence that their man, Paul Cofaunus, can take Cheeseknees down.

“In his book, True for You, but You Are Wrong,” commented Cofaunus’ agent, “Cofaunus demonstrates that evolution is false. In fact, in his nine books, four edited volumes, and twenty-seven journal articles, Cofaunus proves conclusively that you have to be a moron not to be a Christian—well, an evangelical Christian, anyway.”

Socratic Club Faculty Sponsor Sam “Don King” Seriousel seemed callous about the whole thing.

“Only in America, baby!” shouted Seriousel while the theme from Rocky blared in his office. “I won’t be happy unless the debaters come to blows—or at least if one of them is reduced to tears.”

Although the debate is still weeks away, militantly Christian PBA students, known as the God Squad, have already begun demonstrating outside Gregory Hall.

“First they let SoulForce stand on our sidewalks,” exclaimed a Bible-waving Squaddor, “then they tried to fire Ken Mahanes, then they tried to get rid of Religious Life altogether, and now they’re talking about evolution. PBA is losing its Christian identity!”

“Yeah,” chimed in another Squaddor, “as our former president used to say, Harvard also was once a Christian school. And look at what happened to it. Do we really want to be like Harvard? Do we? Do we?”

The debate is scheduled to take place at 7:30 p.m. on October 1 in Gregory Hall 114. Students are advised to attend at their own risk.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Welcome back, PBA

The Bacon staff extends a warm hoof of welcome to you in this new school year. Come back soon.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Breaking News: New President





















PBA announced that the new President of the University will be Luther Hardin, former president of the University of Central Arkansas. We here at the Bacon wish him the best and hope that he has put the controversy of his past behind him as he begins his transition into the life of the University.

The comments section is now closed.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Breaking News: Mahanes is back

The following is a faculty list serve email.

As of July 1, Dr. Ken Mahanes will service the University as Senior Advisor. In this new role, he will establish relationships on behalf of the University with individuals, churches, and Christian organizations. He will form a group of University Fellows and publish. In addition, he will continue his service as seasonal pastor of Lost Tree Chapel and engage in other forms of spiritual outreach locally and regionally.

His office will be in Room 1133 Sachs Hall.

Becky Peeling, M.S., APR
Asst. V.P. for University Relations & Marketing
Palm Beach Atlantic University
561-803-2018

We here at the Bacon are truly happy to hear of Dr. Mahanes returning to PBA. We feel that it has to be at least partly because of all the support that was shown for Mahanes when he was fired. We would like to thank all of the students and alumni who spoke out against the dismissal of Dr. Mahanes and we look forward to seeing him back next year. Continue to have an awesome summer and see you in the Fall.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Bacon wishes you a great summer

As you are finishing your finals, The Bacon wishes you luck. We also want you to have a great summer, even though you will be eagerly anticipating the first Bacon article in the fall.

Congratulations to the graduates, and good riddance to the transfers. We wish the best for Dr. Clark, Dr. Mahanes, and all of the other faculty and staff that will not be returning in the fall.

If you have an appetite for discussion, feel free to do so on The Bacon Forum this summer.

We'll see you in August.

Monday, May 4, 2009

A Statement from Dr. Mahanes

The following is a statement sent to The Bacon (and The Beacon Blog, who have also posted it). Please note that the protest has been canceled for tomorrow, so no need to make signs.

I would like to offer a personal perspective to the recent decision of the President to eliminate the position of Vice President for Religious Life and the concomitant “dissolving of the department of Religious Life by reassigning staff positions to other existing departments” as was announced in a list/serv to PBA staff and faculty on Thursday, April 30. 

I am probably the most naïve person in the universe because I really thought once the announcement was made public, we would all move on.  However, I was told by several friends that there was a Beacon and Bacon article with numerous comments and even a Facebook page announcing a demonstration opposing the actions of the administration. 

Because of my preoccupation with other matters, I did not look at any of these sources until now.  As of today, May 4, I have read all of the postings on the Bacon, the news story in the Beacon, and the comments on the Facebook page.  

First, I would like to offer some clarifications:

  • The comment by one reader in the Bacon that I am retiring is inaccurate.  Mark Twain once said in response to reading his own obituary in the newspaper: “The report of my death is greatly exaggerated.”  The report of my retirement (or that I had expressed a desire to leave PBA), is not only greatly exaggerated, it is simply not true.
  • I do not work at PBA only 5 months out of the year as another respondent to the Bacon article wrote, which brought a smile to my face.  If I did, I’d have a job that even Donald Trump would be envious of (I am aware that I ended that sentence with a preposition – my apologies to English majors).  To set the record straight, I serve at PBA on a 12 month contract and as a vice president I serve at the pleasure of the President to whom I am directly accountable.  For the past two years, I have also served as a seasonal pastor (about six and a half months of the year) at Lost Tree Chapel on Singer Island with the President’s consent and encouragement.
  • In reply to a couple of comments about my income, my primary income and all of my benefits such as health insurance are provided by PBA.  Supplemental income from Lost Tree Chapel has been placed in retirement funds, most of which have gone down the toilet (excuse the crude analogy) during the past two years. 
  • To clarify another comment in the Bacon, I did not learn of the President’s decision through an e-mail. I apologize if I left anyone under that impression.  Rather, Dr. Clark talked with me personally on April 2 and gave me a written memorandum informing me of his decision.  The information was not made public until April 30 via e-mail, which is the standard practice for making such announcements.
 

I want to thank so many students and colleagues who have made positive and affirming comments to me personally or in writing since the announcement of my departure was made last Thursday.  My favorite was a card slipped under my door by a professor and several of his students that was down-right funny, but very meaningful to me. 

Let me, also, make very clear.  The decision not to hold a farewell reception for me, but rather to request that individuals express their kind thoughts and words personally by cards or calls, was made at my insistence and was not the decision of Dr. Clark.   

Additionally, I respect Dr. Clark’s authority to terminate with or without cause those of us who report directly to him and to initiate administrative changes such as the restructuring of Religious Life. 

I am confident that the decision of the President to eliminate my position, which resulted in my termination, was not easy for him.  I have been in his position before and have had to make unpopular and controversial decisions to terminate staff both in my role as a pastor of a multi-staff church and in my administrative positions as a dean, a vice president and interim president at PBA.   

Unfortunately, this unpleasant responsibility comes with the turf and is the price of leadership.  In light of the financial exigencies of the University, I fully understand the President’s attempt to fulfill his fiduciary responsibility as the Chief Executive Officer accountable to the Board of Trustees of the University by taking the action that he has. 

Finally, I am sincere in not wanting to be the source of dissent or disruption at this time.  Therefore, in deference to my personal wishes, I am asking that the planned gathering on the Rinker Green on Tuesday morning be cancelled.     

Though I deeply appreciate and am honored by the intentions of students and others, I do not want anything to detract from focusing on Dr. and Mrs. Clark who have served PBA faithfully for the past 6 years or to interfere with the celebration of the graduating seniors and their families this week. 

I am grateful for the opportunities Dr. Clark has given me and the generosity he has shown me during the past 6 years of my 11 years at PBA.  I feel no ill-will towards him for his recent decision.  To the contrary, I wish for him and Lois the very best in the years ahead.   

Finally, I love PBA and have great optimism for its future and will continue to pray for and financially support the University as I encourage others to do as well. 

                        -Ken Mahanes

Friday, May 1, 2009

The beloved Dr. Mahanes will no longer be at PBA

The following is a letter sent to PBA Faculty and Staff concerning more budget cuts including the dissolution of Dr. Mahanes' position as Vice President of Religious Life. 

Dear PBA Family,

 

In this difficult economic environment, I am certain we all feel pressures as expenses rise and our resources are stretched to their limits.  It is the same with the University budgeting process.  Our Trustees have commissioned our Administration to enter the coming academic year with a balanced budget and doing so requires serious evaluation of virtually every position and role on our campus. 

 

With a desire to fulfill the Trustee’s mandate for a balanced budget as we move forward, it has become necessary to creatively explore various solutions to meeting these financial challenges.    Sadly, this has required us to leave positions unfilled and to eliminate some positions.  One of these positions is the Vice President for Religious Life.  This will require dissolving the department of Religious Life by reassigning staff positions to other existing departments.

 

 Dr. Ken Mahanes has been serving as the seasonal pastor of the Lost Tree Village Chapel and will continue to do so.  He also plans to explore other ministry opportunities as the Lord opens the door.  

 

Beginning on July 1, the following new reporting structures will be implemented:

·         The Campus Pastor and Chapel Office will report to the President

·         The Workship Office will report to the Vice President for Student Development

·         The Campus Ministries and Missions Office will report to the Dean of the School of Ministry.

 

We, at PBA, are grateful for Dr. Mahanes’ eleven year ministry with PBA.  His ministry to our students and campus community, his efforts in advancing our church relations with local, state and national organizations and his unflagging commitment to share the wonderful story of PBA with acquaintances, friends and donors leave a lasting mark on PBA’s history.  Truly, we have been blessed by Dr. Mahanes’ talents, humor and gifted ability to relate to the needs of our students and he will be greatly missed.

 

Please take a moment to jot down your thoughts and well-wishes in a card or letter and send them to him.  I know this will serve as a meaningful reminder to him in the days ahead as he seeks the Lord’s generous provisions for the next phase of his life. 

 

Faithfully in Christ,

David W. Clark, President


Someone has also created a Facebook group for the purpose of opposing this decision.

 

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Introducing the Bacon Forum

Dear loyal readers,

The Bacon, PBA's most reliable news source, has decided to create a forum for PBA students/faculty/staff/parents/anyone to discuss what is happening here.

This is an experiment. If it doesn't work out, we will just delete it, so please keep it civil.

You can find it here. The link will also be on our sidebar forever.

You're gonna have to create an account, but it's not that big of a deal.

Read our rules section before posting anything. We hope this becomes a great place for free discussion on what is happening at PBA.

Your humble servants,

The Bacon Staff

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Dr. Lovejoy lives to teach another day



Nothing to report here other than that we thought this an incredible feat.

Monday, April 13, 2009

God fired from admissions department for not calling enough students

With all of the financial woes hitting PBA due to low recruitment, the admissions department has had to rethink their staff choices yet again. After a six hour brainstorming session, it was finally decided who the weak link was.

"It was like a light came on in the room!" exclaimed director of admissions Joe Dull. "In the end, God calls students here and we are just instruments, so it must be His fault that our recruitment is way down."

God was sent an email asking that He clear out His desk and to please "not make a scene."

The admissions staff is currently courting possible candidates to replace God.

"Krishna has become an early frontrunner. We think the fact that he has 16,108 wives will make him great at recruiting more female students" said Dull. "But don't count out Pan. His skills on the flute will be sure to raise our recruitment of music students."

"I know the plans I have for myself," declared the Lord.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Female students make bank on eggs


With the recent downturn in the economy, PBA students have turned to supplementing their financial aid by selling their reproductive gold. Due to flexible schedules among college students, female freshmen can make up to $5,000 between FYE and Lifetime Fitness by auctioning off their eggs.

"Because of the economy, my parents lost their jobs and I almost had to attend community college," said freshman Stacy Delichen. "But now that I've sold a couple dozen eggs, not only is my tuition covered for the next four years, but I just picked up Bernie Madoff's old house on the island on the cheap."

Girls have been seen around campus sporting gold chains, designer names, and pimp canes.

Male students are also looking for a chance to cash in on this egg craze.

"I need to get my hands on some of them there chickens," said Pahokee resident Jim-Bob McClucksky.

Additionally, male students have not yet discovered the existence of sperm donation banks and continue to just feed the worms.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Interview with Dr. David Clark, part two of two

The Bacon is proud to present the second portion of our interview with Dr. David Clark, the current President of Palm Beach Atlantic University.

The Bacon: Why are you leaving PBA?

Dr. David W. Clark: The comedian George Burns said,”always leave them wanting more.” It is always difficult to know when to leave a situation when things are going pretty well, but completion of the Warren Library, reaccreditation with SACS, reorganization of most areas of the university, completion of several buildings, recruitment of over 100 new outstanding faculty, the completed purchase and plans for the Hillcrest property, and the move into the top tier of MA granting schools in the South in this year’s US News rankings suggest that PBA is entering into a new period of maturation and quality development. Lois and I are in wonderful health. Our two sons are in Texas with our grandchildren. We long to live once more at our home on Eagle Mountain Lake near Fort Worth. I am considering an offer to become a professor in a PhD degree program in higher education at a university in Dallas. But I am keeping my options open until I have a chance to sit on the back porch and watch the sunrise on Sunrise Cove for a few months.

Bacon: What is your opinion of The Bacon?

Dr. Clark: I have read it and gotten some really good laughs. A few times, I wanted to cry as well. Humor is a difficult form of prose to write well, but irony has a very powerful influence. I believe in the free marketplace of ideas. I think that The Bacon serves this purpose at times. It adds color and sometimes steam to the issues in the PBA community. The challenge with blogs is the lack of responsible gatekeepers. Of course, occasionally, I have been offended, but I think you have done a really good job of avoiding ad hominems and gratuitous criticism. Besides I like bacon for breakfast, but only if it is very crisp!

Bacon: What advice do you have for the next President?

Dr. Clark: Listen for 6 months to everyone that you can talk with from faculty to students to staff before setting a course for the university. Spend time with Dr. Warren and Dr. Moody. Spend time with some of our retired trustees. Pray every day for PBA as you drive into work in the morning and as you drive home at night. It is such a challenging responsibility that unless the Lord protects it and blesses it you may fail. Continue to pick up paper on campus and eat frequently in the cafeteria so students can see you and talk to you. Then go home and swim laps in a pool or run around the block a few times and enjoy your family.

Interview with Dr. David Clark, part one of two

The Bacon, the most reliable and relevant news source, has conducted an exclusive interview with the current outgoing President of Palm Beach Atlantic University, Dr. David W. Clark. We appreciate his cooperation on this project.

The Bacon: What has been your greatest accomplishment at PBA?

Dr. David W. Clark: In a sense, I have not really accomplished anything on my own here. I would hope that I helped move the school forward in being a place where rigorous learning and critical thinking is encouraged within a matrix of an evangelical university community. The good Lord has continued to bless PBA in the past 6 years as in the past 40 years. This university is a fairly complex organization with many contributing individuals. They are the ones why deserve the credit for whatever good has happened in the past six years. I realized again when I taught last semester that teaching is hard work. We have an outstanding and truly committed and engaged faculty. Every survey we take of students indicates that our faculty and access to our faculty is our strongest asset. Likewise we have a wonderful staff who totally involved with our students but really our greatest asset is our students.

Whenever I pat a student on the back (and I do that a lot) I know that I am literally touching the future. I love our students and I think it shows. I hope it does. After this spring commencement, I will have had the honor to award degrees to 4,000 of our 10,000 total alumni.

Bacon: What has been your greatest failure at PBA? What would you have done differently?

Dr. Clark: That is a difficult question because leading a school like PBA is more art than science. Of course you make mistakes and some decisions that you later question. I certainly have said things I wish I had never said. The decisions you think most about and lose the most sleep about are personnel decisions. A few of these I might handle differently if I could do them over.

I had hoped to have the Hillcrest campus all completed before I retired, but because of the economy that has been delayed until the university’s 60 acres on Southern Blvd sell. That could take awhile, but it is a very valuable piece of land and will sell soon. I believe and it will transform how we see our school and how others see us. This is a facility for the entire student body not just athletes.

Bacon: Why did you come to PBA?

Dr. Clark: I went to Northern Baptist Seminary and then was a pastor for several years. I became interested in rhetorical theory because of my need to prepare effective sermons three times a week. That led me to attend the University of Iowa to complete a PhD in rhetoric and communication theory. I taught at Iowa, Bowling Green State University, Regent University and Fuller Seminary as an adjunct. I really like teaching, but somehow I always got pulled into administration. Perhaps that suggests I may have some gifts in this area or that no one other faculty were interested.

My other great passion in life has been broadcasting and I have had the opportunity to have a great deal of professional experience in radio and television. I was president of FamilyNet in Fort Worth, a commercial cable television network before I came here. We produced hundreds of hours of daily programming as well as a number of award winning documentaries for ABC, NBC and the Hallmark Network. It was work that I loved. But I have always loved the academy.

A friend mentioned PBA was looking for a president. My wife, Lois urged me to investigate. I knew little about the school, so I called Jess Moody. He made it sound like the most important Christian university in America. I also spoke with my pastor, Jack Graham, who had been the pastor at First Baptist here. He was more candid but did note the growth and great potential of the university. After a number of calls from the search firm and late in the selection process, I agreed to become a candidate providing that my application was kept confidential. Somehow I emerged as the candidate of choice. I know now this was God’s plan for this period in my life.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Pre-health student declares coma patient awake


Kelly Fortress, a female pre-health student, declared a coma patient "awake" to the celebration of his family. The patient, Dan Goonchild, has been in a coma for the past three years.

 The family took Goonchild off life support only to discover that he was not awake. Goonchild died at the age of 22.

"I, like, thought he was, like, really really hot. My friends and I call hot guys 'awake.' I didn't mean to kill him. I'm, like, really really sorry and stuff," said Fortress.

PBA is discussing whether the Facebook group should meet the same fate as Goonchild. 

An open letter to The Beacon

Dear Beacon,

Although we cordially participated in the Sea Kitten portion of your most recent issue, we were saddened to find a major edit to our submission. Our submission included the following sentence: "Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics, but has been kicked out of the weight room due to his nudity."

The Beacon published "Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics."

When we sent the submission, the following message was sent with it:
"Please contact us before any changes are made, and please credit the author as "www.thebacon.org." Thx, hugs."

We received no email about the edit.

The Bacon staff is offended by the edit, and the breach of trust concerning the article. We would appreciate an apology and a retraction in the next issue.

The Bacon Staff

Monday, March 23, 2009

Website sparks uproar, cries of FML

Students are up in arms about a controversial new decision regarding human rights and freedom of speech.

PBA recently added F*** My Life, a popular online destination among teens and twenty-somethings, to its list of blocked websites, citing “adult content.” The site, better known as FML, is a daily-updated collection of hilarious and embarrassing anecdotes, many of them explicitly sexual in content.

Many resident students have already taken to the streets, voicing their anger in violent protest. “This is ridiculous,” said freshman Mitch Rurry. “They already have MTV and Comedy Central blocked on the TV, and now I can’t even read my favorite raunchy website!” he exclaimed while tossing a Molotov cocktail through an upstairs window in Borbe Hall.

Safety and Security have beefed up their numbers in retaliation, calling in reinforcements from the West Palm Beach police department’s SWAT division. “This is even bigger than Soulforce,” said an officer when reached for comment. “We might have to break out the tear gas.”

A particularly poignant submission recently posted on the website reads as follows: “Today, I got back from my Point 58 Bible study and clicked on my FML bookmark expecting to be entertained for hours by reading about the misfortune of others. I was horrified to find my daily dose of dirty humor blocked by my stupid Christian school. FML”

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Walmart assassins struggle to find women, shoot bearded men instead


Due to widespread warnings of gang shootings by Twitter and text message, PBA females avoided local Walmarts last night. Apparently originating with the West Palm Beach Police Department, the rumor told of gang members that would shoot three women at Walmart last night as part of an initiation. Fortunately, all Palm Beach Atlantic women avoided the retail giant's Palm Beach County stores.

The all-female gang involved, the "Wellington She-Thugz," also got word of the shootings tonight. Fearing lack of choice in victims, the She-Thugz decided to target bearded men. Unfortunately, text message warnings disseminate slower amongst bearded men.

 Entering the Walmart on Military Trail at 11:13, the gang fired upon three bearded men shopping in the produce aisle. The three men were pronounced dead on the scene, as the shooters fled in a red Volkswagen Beetle.

Did you mean: PBA Bacon?



Monday, March 16, 2009

The Bacon actually posts an article this week

The Bacon, "PBA's most reliable news source," has actually posted an article this month. The article, entitled "PBA makes last-ditch effort to enforce shoes before Spring Break," is the first post since March 3.

The Bacon was started in 2007 as a satirical site that would poke fun at Palm Beach Atlantic's various policies and idiosyncrasies. While The Bacon started off with articles of genius satire, most critics think that "it has not been as funny in recent years." While most of the criticism comes from one user, "Anonymous," the feelings are thought to be widespread.

"I'm glad those guys finally got their act together. I usually like to take a break from my heavy load of papers, work, and extracurricular activities and read articles on The Bacon. They just haven't been doing it that much lately," said junior Devin Rangoon.



The Bacon staff has only written about ten posts this year, while criticism has been piling up. One Bacon reader also recently stated that he did not know that The Bacon was still writing stories.

Though The Bacon encourages others to contribute by sending articles to their email address, only a few articles have been sent in the past two months.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

PBA makes last-ditch effort to enforce shoes before Spring Break

In an attempt to combat the growing trend of breaking The Navigator’s foot dress code policies, PBA officials slyly introduced a line of footwear to the campus under the guise of fashionable charity.

TOMS shoes made a visit to the Rinker green on March 6, peddling shoes with the promise of providing a pair to a child in need for every pair purchased.

Hundreds of students, many sporting Livestrong bracelets and (RED) iPods, lined up for the elevator to the Weyenberg center for hours in order to catch even a glimpse of the TOMS documentary before the shoes went on sale at noon.

“I think it’s a great organization,” said sophomore Brent Evans. “With every shoe I purchase, I am able to impress people by subtly letting them know that I care about starving children in another country.”

Safety and Security officers were present at the event, monitoring the apparent success of their covert operation. Exchanging a high five with one such officer, Student Accountability director Derek Powdersilk commented, “Now if only we could make abstinence into some kind of chic clothing item.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Students protest Spring Formal 2009

Student Activities is hosting Spring Formal 2009 on April 18. Although the Director of Student Activities, Jennifer Shout, is hoping for the second successful Spring Formal in recent years, some students on campus are putting on large demonstrations in protest.

"I think the Titanic theme is entirely inappropriate," said freshman John Exxon. "Respect for the Sri Lankan deceased is the reason why I didn't go to last year's Spring Formal, too."

The Titanic disaster led to the deaths of 1,517 people, which is seen by the protesters as an insensitive theme for the Spring Formal. The students involved in the protests are promoting a boycott of the event. Unlike past years when no one signed up, Spring Formal 2009 is being boycotted for a reason.

The theme is not the only reason why students are furious.

"Twenty five dollars? That would have been reasonable last year, but I just lost my spending money in the stock market," remarked senior Christopher Cross.

Despite a lack of unity in purpose, students will be staging a sit-on aboard the "SS Ironhorse," the Student Activities golf cart and symbol of naval disasters around the world.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The Secret Administrator

by Heather the freshman

Dear Bacon editor(s),

I am a devoted reader of your publication and wanted to share some thoughts.

You fellows put out some good news articles detailing the funny happenings around PBA, and as a student I can relate to everything you write. Like that article about Dr. Lovebliss, I totally remember taking a class with him! It was really fun and stuff.

Now, as a student, I believe I have quite a bit of humor to contribute to the Bacon. I can write some great stories and take some pictures incriminating some powerful people. Would you have a spot open on your staff?

I would love to meet with you personally to discuss joining the Bacon. Say, this Thursday at 3:00 PM upstairs Lassiter? That would be swell.

Thx, hugs,
Heather

Note: "Heather the freshman" is the actual pseudonym used by an administrator two years ago supposedly attempting to infiltrate our institution. Was this the goal? Who knows. Just remember to check your email signature before sending messages in sheep's clothing.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The math behind meal plans

The fine eating establishment at PBA charges more for those who buy in bulk. A loyal Bacon reader has sent in a spreadsheet detailing the difference in cost between the average meal bought by meal plan and the one bought on Flex Dollars:

The average meal from a meal plan costs $9.89, while the average meal paid for individually in cash is $8.57. With Flex Dollars, the price is even lower: $7.76.

In addition to paying more for bulk, PBA meal plans are considerably costlier than other private schools. Wheaton College in Illinois, consistently ranked among the best in the United States for on-campus dining, has an average meal plan price of $7.07. Wheaton is not served by Sodexo, but Bon Appetit Management, a California-based company. Biola University in California, also served by Bon Appetit, has an average price of $7.38.

Lower prices are also present at other universities served by Sodexo. The University of Tampa, a private university slightly larger than PBA, has an average meal plan price of $7.66. Although Sodexo does charge a price for its services, the prices are set by PBA.

We didn't know how to make this funny.


Dr. Clark's BlackBerry stolen, forced to read Beacon in chapel

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

'Research' grants given to anyone who wants one


Caught up in Washington politics, PBA seems to have given in to spreading the wealth by funding its own pork-barrel projects. The recent 2009 Quality Initiative Research Grant divested $28,000 from the university’s budget in order to support eight faculty members and four students with the intention this money be used for scientific and scholarly research. 

Seeing PBA's generosity, others lobbied for their share of an "initiative" package, and all of them got it under the new Matthew 7:7 policy.

“This sort of spending is just plain wasteful,” said frequent Beacon contributor Tetzel Harlem. “PBA is intent on cooking up 'Bacon barrel' spending which will drive us deeper into authoritarianism.”

“We can’t just universitionalize our science labs,” said College Republican Mark Lincoln, recipient of a substantial zoology 'research' grant.

Already struggling with containing the ever-growing philosophy department, the school was forced to give in to professor Dr. Chastekott’s demands and award him some of the initiative money as well.

“As this philosophy market bubble expands the only choice we have is to keep feeding this unpredictable industry, hoping the bubble burst will one day make it completely unprofitable,” said an administrator. “If this means students won’t be able to find jobs in philosophy once they graduate, that’s a risk we’ll need to take.”

A growing concern about the package is that the money will be misused. In an attempt to assure PBA that their money is being spent wisely, the science and philosophy departments took out full-page Beacon advertisements detailing their "research." 

“We’re gonna invest the money in lotto tickets,” said junior Mike Hight, a business major. “Statistically, it shouldn’t fail!”

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Intramural team hopes spirit will help them win

One of PBA's new intramural soccer teams, Team Spirit, has a new player who is shaking up their competition. Joseph, former resident of the Riddle House, has recently joined the Team Spirit roster. Although Joseph ended his physical existence in the attic of the Riddle House in the 1920s, his spirit has been encouraging intramural teams give 110% for over 20 years.

The Riddle House stood on the site of the intramural field until the 1980s, when it was moved to the Yesteryear Village at the South Florida Fairgrounds. It served as a house for the Riddles, and, more recently, a PBA girls dormitory.

As Joseph was cohabitating, he began to develop a love for PBA's intramural sports teams. For over 20 years, Joseph has been a spectator. This year marks the first time Joseph will be playing for one of the teams.

Seen by some as a disability, Joseph hopes to use his lack of corporeality to help his team win. Joseph notes that he cannot trip in potholes or kick sand around.

"I may not be physically fit for the team, but I have enough spirit to help us succeed."



Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Special Report: PETA request exposed

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has asked PBA to ditch their iconic sailfish mascot in favor of the "Sea Kitten" Due to widespread confusion concerning PETA's logic, The Bacon investigative journalist John Spamino has been looking into the unusual request.

While thoroughly skimming the Palm Beach Post article, Spamino found that the newly created Sea Kitten was "created by PETA."

After casually consulting a lawyer friend about copyright laws, Spamino realized that if PBA honored PETA's request, the largest animal rights organization would hold all rights to PBA's mascot. Basketball jerseys and Sea Kitten Cup flyers would be fundraisers for PETA.

PETA is placing the pressure on PBA in an attempt to coerce researchers at PBA's state-of-the-art rat lab to immediately end their studies into the effects of party drugs.

PETA planned to place Sailfish Jack's role as mascot under scrutiny until the lab's forty lab rats are free to roam the city. The researchers had chosen the number of rodents to celebrate PBA's 40 fabulous years as an institution of higher learning.

Ida Robinson, President of PETA, commented, "Knowledge is inferior to rats."

Monday, January 26, 2009

PBA hires Google to keep an eye on philosophy department

In an attempt to keep students from thinking too outside the cave, PBA is taking extra measures to regulate the activities of the philosophy department, resorting to using the services of internet giant Google. 

“We did not expect this alarming amount of professor involvement,” stated Dr. Globa-Doba. “If we do not monitor and regulate this contingency we could be looking at a possibility of three philosophy professors some time in the near future!” 

PBA wanted to begin their investigation by monitoring the everyday lives of the professors by stationing new Safety and Security guards with even newer Safety and Security Uniforms outside the homes of the unsuspecting professors. This plan was soon thrown out when they realized the entire fund had been used up by the Michael Bay Library Movie. 

With this in mind, PBA turned to its last hope, Google. The company is widely known for its popular search engine and for its online maps, a feature administrators found particularly enticing.

“I'm glad we are finally dealing with this problem”, stated Dr. Lovebliss of the science department. “The idea of the possibility of non-empirical thought is a dangerous thing. You know there is more going on in those minds than the length of their lawns.”


Students wishing to join the fight against the philosophy department may use the Street View feature on Google Earth