Monday, December 1, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Library renovated to suit pharmacy students
The Warren Library, the newest addition to the PBA campus, has been renamed and renovated to accommodate its most faithful patrons, pharmacy students. The new CVS Library of Pharmacy, with its less than sanitary bathrooms and previous penchant for parties, will now primarily cater to the needs of pharmacy and pre-pharmacy students.Thursday, November 20, 2008
PBA professor remembers the original 90's, 90-99 A.D.
by Dr. LovejoyTake a little walk with me, students, as I remember my childhood. It was the decade of 90, a time when it was fashionable for Rome to build a system of aqueducts and for iron plows to be fitted with wheels to control the depth and ease of plowing.
The 90's began with Parthia's Artabanus III dying after a 10-year period in which he had challenged the suzerainty of Pakoros II, who would continue his reign until 105. It ended with the silver content of the Roman denarius rising to 93 percent under the emperor Trajan, up from 92 percent under Domitian.
So what happened in between those years that made the decade in which I lived out my childhood so memorable? The popular culture of the 90's was full of fun and interesting events that I won't soon forget.
This was the decade when exciting new literature dominated our lives. I still remember when John of Ephesus first published Revelation. That's some pretty deep stuff, even today!
Also, there were always some juicy political events to keep the world's attention. Why, I remember it like it was yesterday when Roman emperor Domitian had a ton of his senators executed out of paranoid fears that they were plotting to kill him. And who could forget when the Roman emperor Nerva died suddenly on January 25, 98, at age of 63 after a 16-month reign and was succeeded by his adopted son, who reigned until 117 as the emperor Trajan. It really puts these current political "troubles" into perspective.And don't think that racism in politics is anything new either. Why, I remember when a Jewish delegation to Rome was led by Rabbi Gamliel II, along with Rabbis Akiva, Joshua and Eleazar to request that Emperor Domitian rescind one of his anti-Jewish proclamations. How's that for racial tension?

And finally, a taste of things to come for the 100's. Zhang Heng left his home in 95 to begin attending University. He would go on to invent the first seismometer as well as the first hydraulic powered armillary sphere. How I lived without that stuff I'll never know.
As I look back and remember the crazy things that I lived through, I imagine what we will think when we look back on the first 90's of this century.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The PBA Rebel
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
PBA to honor business leaders, collect donations
This Thursday PBA will celebrate its premier annual event, Free Enterprise Day, which has honored enterprising individuals since 1984.- Mr. John D. & Mrs. Catherine T. MacArthur
- Dr. Donald E. & Mrs. Bebe Warren
- Mr. Kenneth & Mrs. Laura Baxter
- Mr. Theodore & Mrs. Vivian Johnson
- Mrs. Helen Weyenberg
- Mrs. Vera Lea Rinker
- Mr. Henry M. Flagler
- Mrs. Helen Fraser
- Mrs. Bertha Borbé
- Mr. Oedipus Okeechobee
- Dr. John P. Greene III
- Dr. Gertrude P. Pembroke
- Dr. Arnold Lakeview
- Mrs. Eustice Oceanview
- Ms. Meredith Mango
- Dr. Walt Superdorm
Friday, November 7, 2008
Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The Confused Alumnus
Now that I'm out in the real world, putting my degree to good use here at the Chick-Fil-A, I miss being in college and feeling that sense of community.
The Bacon is a great way for me to still know about current PBA politics and happenings. I just wish they would tell me the real story so I could get all the jokes.
For example "PBA opens new parking lot: Lake by the Chapel," what the heck are they talking about? Is PBA giving students aquatic cars and the Bacon thinks the money should be spent otherwise? What is rumor? What is fact? What is the new policy on parking in the deck? What's the real story?
Oh, and then there was that article "Soulforce is coming to PBA." What the heck is a Soulforce? It sounds like a legitimate organization but people on the comments seem to be debating whether or not that is true. I mean, look their logo, it has Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi on it. So they must be a great organization.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
General election polls indicate Mahanes the leading candidate on PBA campus
While the colors red and blue tint much of the map of the United States for the Presidential election Tuesday night, one speck in the state of Florida will likely be colored a bright yellow.
This speck, of course, represents the campus of PBA voting not for either major candidate but for respected VP of Religious Life Dr. Ken Mahanes.
As speculation arose that he would take the helm as President of PBA next year, Mahanes soon realized the entire country instead was much more in need of prudent leadership. The rest may soon be history.
The other half of the presidential ticket is filled by history professor Dr. Gary Poe. Though it seemed odd Mahanes would pick someone so famous for his liberal views, the candidate defended his choice.
“Dr. Poe is a man who will challenge me in the White House,” said Mahanes. "Plus, he said he'd give me five bucks."
Due to a lack of campaign materials readily available for the Mahanes ticket, students have been taking McCain-Palin signs and bumper stickers and have been crossing out the printed names to replace them with Mahanes-Poe.
“No one’s gonna know the difference,” said former McCain supporter Ricky Slim-Fast.
Members of the College Democrats have shown their support for the local candidate, setting up a table each week with information about Mahanes' policy and handing out absentee ballots with his name written in.
Former Ron Paul supporters have also taken up the Mahanes cause and have their chalk ready to write “Google Ken Mahanes” on all of PBA’s sidewalks.
Some students, however, were confused by the election activity going on.
"Is this for the Sailfish Jack sandwich thing?" asked sophomore Delilah Hammerthorn.
The Socratic Club's faculty debate scheduled for Monday night has adjusted its panel, adding to the conservative and liberal debaters an advocate for "just-plain-awesome."
When asked if he is running with any specific party, Mahanes responded, “Forget politics, let’s just party!”
We at the Bacon bid you good luck, Dr. Mahanes. See you at the polls!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
PBA hires Blackwater to beef up Safety & Security
With recent dorm break-ins and other safety issues creating worry for PBA students, the administration has been taking steps to fortify campus security. One of these steps has been the hiring of Blackwater Worldwide to patrol campus. Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Freshmen suffer cataracts from staring at indecent Google images
While the PBA firewall is able to block access to most inappropriate websites, it is not able to completely protect freshman boys from access to alternate sources of visual stimulation. Most doctors believe that cataracts are caused from long-term exposure to ultraviolet light. Many in the PBA community however, have surmised that the recent outbreak is the result of sheer trauma from the discovery of Google images.
"There are just so many options to choose from," said Turfmol with a patch over his right eye.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Presidential search survey
Presidential Survey
Sunday, October 19, 2008
PBA disarms potential idea threats
Several weeks ago, administrators received an anonymous tip about a potential idea threat to the PBA campus. With the Idea Alert System already on code red, school officials were not willing to take any chances.Idea-proof vests were immediately purchased for Safety and Security, faculty, and staff. The entire student body was also required to wear Bose 'idea-cancelling' headphones.
"We can't risk the safety of our students in the chance that a harmful idea were to ever penetrate school boundaries," said the spokesman for the newly coordinated Idea Committee. "Besides, what would parents and trustees think?"
Despite the hard work and planning (including screwing shut the back doors of all Towers suites), however, reports Friday showed that three masked African-American ideas were allegedly seen entering school property through a philosophy classroom. They were then spotted making their way over to the DeSantis Family chapel toward a large crowd of students.
Fortunately, Safety and Security, along with multiple school administrators, were already on the scene, waiting.
One of the masked ideas was first reported to have begun shouting the non-trinitarian doctrinal essays of Michael Servetus at an innocent freshman girl. A security officer, however, was able to leap through the air in front of the girl, all the while shouting, "Nooooooo," and absorb the entire onslaught into his left ear.
Another suspect suddenly pulled the pin on an idea grenade, launching it violently into a group of sophomore Physics majors. A school administrator immediately reacted, hurling his entire body over the potential disaster, embracing the full explosion of the scientific method.
The last suspect was apparently a nonviolent activist idea, and upon witnessing the chaos, sat Indian-style on the pavement and began singing Hebrew spirituals. He was soon tackled and apprehended.
The three ideas were adequately subdued, and are now in the custody of authorities. As for the security officer, he has reportedly been committed to a quarantined cell for sixteen weeks. The school administrator is recovering, though still in critical condition.
An administrator demonstrates how to effectively avoid multiple distasteful ideas at once.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
PBA combats economic downturn, begins firing entire staff
Thursday, October 2, 2008
PBA hires Michael Bay to direct library movie
"I feel honored to be a part of this process," Bay said. "In time we can make this film another blockbuster."
"Of course it's going to be expensive to make this movie," commented Bay, "but you can't create awesome explosions and action-packed adventure without spending a little cash."
Monday, September 22, 2008
Soulforce is coming to PBA
On October 12-13, Soulforce will be visiting PBA during one stop on their 2008 "Equality Ride.""Soulforce is a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) activist group that seeks to bring about "freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance."
On September 17, PBA sent out letters to both Soulforce and the campus community , expressing their sincere intentions for dealing with Soulforce's request to visit campus.
Now, we would like to open up a forum to you, the loyal Bacon reader, to give your serious thoughts on how PBA should respond to Soulforce's intent on visiting campus.
Friday, September 19, 2008
President Clark resigning at end of school year

President David Clark is resigning at the end of the 2008-9 Academic school year.
We are all familiar with verse 1 of Ecclesiastes 3 which states, “For everything there is a season.” That applies to many aspects of our lives including our professional lives. In the past year, Lois and I have been contemplating our “season” at Palm Beach Atlantic University. Late last year, after much discussion and prayer, we determined that our time at PBA was coming to a close. As we reflected and prayed about this transition, we reached the firm decision that we needed to announce our desire to formally end our time of service to the University and move on to the next season of our lives.
After conferring with Chairman John Greene and Vice Chairman Scott Hawkins early this year, we agreed that the ideal time to make this decision known would be the September meeting of the Board of Trustees. It is my desire to formally conclude my service to the University by the end of June. This will provide ample opportunity to identify and install a new president. I will do everything in my power to promote a seamless transfer of the leadership. Chairman Greene has already been at work to begin the search process which he will share with you today. Until a new leader is in place, I assure you that I will continue to vigorously carry on the many duties of leading the University. We have made wonderful progress together in the past 5 years in moving PBA forward as an outstanding Christian university. I am confident that God’s blessing will continue to guide and provide for the development of PBA in the future.
It has been a distinct honor to serve the PBA community. This season of service to the students, faculty, staff, trustees and friends of the university has been by far the most fulfilling, and at times, the most challenging of our lives. Lois and I have come to know and love so many here at PBA. We will miss so much about this wonderful university and Florida (except the hurricane season).
We have a home in Fort Worth, Texas and all our children and grandchildren are now in Texas. Naturally, we are looking forward to time with them and returning to our beloved Eagle Mountain Lake. We will leave with the sweet assurance of God’s leading in the same way that we came to PBA. We move confidently into a future with God’s promise from Jer. 29:11, “I know the plans I have for you, plans for good.” May God bless you Trustees and may God continue to bless Palm Beach Atlantic University.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Wazoo Weekend devastates PBA campus, reports Beacon
Palm Beach Atlantic students are just now starting to recover from the devastation wrought by the activities of Wazoo Weekend.
The event, which made landfall on August 29, caused a great deal of damage – estimated at $100 million – to the campus before leaving late on September 1. Authorities approximate several hundred students lost their homes and even more were without power due to the disaster.
“Hurricane Ike looks like a puddle in comparison with the storm of activity that Wazoo Weekend brought to the Palm Beach Atlantic University campus,” reported Beacon contributing writer Danielle Happysen. [See article.]
Many students who refused to evacuate before the event were caught in the direct hit of the jumping, jiving, and jousting. FEMA and the American Red Cross have been assisting survivors for the past two weeks.
“I can’t say for sure whether Palm Beach Atlantic will be able to recover from Wazoo Weekend in the near future,” said FEMA Head R. David Paulison. “Reconstruction efforts may take upwards of ten years, with luck.”
Note: We do not mean to belittle the damage done by Hurricane Ike. Our hearts and prayers go out to those affected by the storm.
Friday, September 12, 2008
'The Beacon' is back online
Here's our favorite part. Below "Contact the Beacon," it reads:
"Please send 'Letters to the Editor' to Hannah Mitchell, wavecraver911@yahoo.com."
Thanks for being professional, big bro.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
PBA opens new parking lot: Lake by the Chapel
With the number of students increasing at PBA and the parking situation not getting any better, some students have found a unique way to beat the traffic."The chapel by the lake used to be the last resort", said a frustrated and moist senior Albert Ruckus. "Now the only way to park is to create your own spot anywhere you can".
Since PBA began charging commuters to park in the garage during the day, students have found it more financially sound to pay for water damage and a crane to get their car out, than hand over the cash for a few hours in the garage.
"I just went over the edge and parked in the water," said Ruckus, "and people followed suit."
With more and more students realizing their efforts to find a spot on land is futile; the idea is becoming more and more popular. Even the landscapers are having to double park just to get their work done.
Luckily PBA has found a solution to the problem. A new phosphorescent light red sticker will be available Thursday at 4:27 a.m. for all students to purchase for $300 who wish to park in the new "Lake by the Chapel" lot.
PBA Security has already purchased scuba suits and amphibious golf carts to adequately monitor the new parking area.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
'Last Admission Staff Standing' receives rave reviews

"I don't even wear a coat," said Hennigan, who later voted herself out of the competition.
The show concluded with the climactic elimination of Lonnie Justiceson and Staff Sullivan, two esteemed members of the 'LASS' cast.

Thursday, September 4, 2008
Scientists blame global warming on methane gases, PBA students after Chipotle giveaway

Some laughed when they discovered that the molecular formula for methane gas (CH4) was also the first two letters of Chipotle, a Mexican grill fast-food restaurant. Man were they sorry.
Offering a free burrito and soft drink to all those with a PBA ID, Chipotle attracted a line of students and faculty that weaved around, through, and out the door of their restaurant on Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard.
The line however, did not end when students received and began eating their burrito, but continued another quarter mile, directly into three porto-potties positioned appropriately outside the restaurant.
Lasting all day Wednesday, Chipotle's parking lot was never lacking of incoming PBA burrito lovers, some returning a second time with even more voracious appetites, eager to engulf their maws in the flavor filled Mexican treat.
"I came five times," said freshman Angus Musterfork. "One for each of my senses," he added in a Spanish accent.
According to exit polls, over 500 PBA students and faculty participated in the giveaway, raising the earths temperature almost 1/10th of a degree. Thank you guacamole!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Incoming freshman actually a Darwin fish
After checking in, settling down into his new campus apartment, and beginning classes, Charwin appeared to be handling the 'transitionary' stages of college life very well. Maybe too well.
Faculty and staff became suspicious of Charwin when four legs began to slowly evolve, over time, from his fish hat throughout fish week.
Charwin's roomate, Alfredo Wegener, notified school authorities when Charwin began spending "way too much time" in the PBA weight room, all the while excessively singing Destiny's Child's "I'm a Survivor".
"He kept talking about surfing in the Panthalassa," said Wegener. "I just thought it was slang for flagpole."
While not a single one of Charwin's admissions counselors was to be found, his files revealed some very provocative information
Charwin was discovered to be an international student from Pangaea, Earth, with a date of birth of sometime around the vernal equinox of 240,000,000 B.C.
PBA science specialists Dr. Lovebliss and Dr. Cheeseness were immediately brought in to run carbon dating tests on Charwin's limbs and face.
While the results are still pending as to whether Charwin is in fact the missing link, a resounding "we told you so," has been heard coming from all PBA science laboratories. Dr. Lovebliss has also been spotted staring into the sky, pondering the good ol' days of the early Jurassic period.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Wazoo Weekend repeats 'Most awesomest event title of the year'
After initially planning to title this past weekend's event "Out the Wazoo Weekend," Student Activities settled for a title that merely means the same thing as "Butthole Weekend.""It just sounded so funny," said Neil Better, when asked about his decision to name the event after such a provocative body part.
The event, hosted at the Harriet Himmel Theatre in City Place, was created to wow the PBA student body with a fun evening of crazy games, amazing gift bags, and other insanely totally tubular prizes.
The event attracted a wide variety of participants beyond students.
Parking lots were packed to the hilt when over 10,000 licenced proctologists arrived, hoping to catch all the action of the 'jousting' tournament.
Half the population of Key West was also reported to have attended simply to gaze upon the pirate sword-swallowing spectacle.
While they ultimately decided on Wazoo Weekend, PBA considered several other names for the event, including:
1. "Wacky Wiener Weekend"
2. "Big Bosom Blast Weekend"
3. "Rectum Rally Weekend"
4. "Testicle Spectacle Weekend"
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Adam McKinney: Student Government President, pimp
Look out, ladies! This Student Government President (and only male member of the administration) will not only steal your vote, but he'll steal your heart.
Adam McKinney, a sophomore, political science major from Gainesville, Florida (more like Heartthrobsville, USA!), wakes up every morning to Marvin Gaye and eats Suave cereal for breakfast.
When he's not thwarting injustice with an iron fist, he's rescuing sea turtle eggs from the Towers fox (not to mention wooing foxy ladies around campus).
"He's got the debonair of James Bond, and the fiscal policy of Ronald Reagan," swooned Holly Bandsaw, a newcomer to the student government team.
Good luck, Adam and the rest of Student Government. Keep fighting the good fight.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Freshman's toe malformation dampers foot washing service
It came as a surprise to incoming freshman Patrick Franklin when he and his three-toed left foot were deemed 'totally gross' at the Welcome Week foot washing service on Sunday evening.Marking the conclusion of Fish Week, the evening focused on the idea of service. At its conclusion, several PBA administrators began washing students' feet, who in turn washed their fellow students' feet.
Like those before him, Franklin removed his shoes and socks, placing his feet in the bowl of water. This was followed by a scream, and an "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh!," from sophomore fish leader Cindy Bolberjam
Keeping her composure long enough to dry the gap between Franklin's little and index toe, Bolberjam made it off stage in time to sob into her roommate's shoulder.
"It definitely, like totally growled at me," said Bolberjam.
Two PBA soccer players were also escorted off stage after contaminating a washing basin with athletes foot. Likewise, no one dared to go anywhere near Gi Josephs, a transfer into the ROTC program, when he unveiled a repulsing case of trench foot.
All in all, the evening was a success, and mad props go out to PBA administrators for their brave service.





