1515 Flagler Drive Implosion

Graduation

Not too crispy, yet, not too chewy - you are DONE like some delicious Bacon!

Congratulations Fall PBA Graduates

Super Bowl ad raises enrollment numbers, eyebrows

New PBA president Lu Softin has been accused recently of suffering from delusions of incredible grandeur. In efforts to improve the school's public image, he has signed a contract to spend $3.1 trillion on a 30-second television ad to be aired during the Super Bowl on February 7, 2010.

"We're very excited about this opportunity to promote the school," said Softin. "We did some promo spots on the beach over the summer, and they really brought up our enrollment numbers, at least among girls from the Midwest."

Many students and faculty are up in arms about this controversial decision. Jaded honors students were witnessed picketing in front of Sachs Hall on Monday afternoon, watched closely by Safety and Security. Their demonstration did not go as planned, however, as many of the students abandoned their signs when distracted by an impromptu Socratic discussion on predestination.

Also vocal about their opposition are several theater students, who, despite having just received confirmation of their new facility, still complain of no support from the PBA community.

Prominent theater person Jean-Claude Pallous was quoted as saying, "That money should have gone to us. I mean, who even watches baseball anymore?"

President Softin has stated that he will stand firm behind his decision, assuring us that we'll be pleasantly surprised with the final result, though he refused to comment further.

An anonymous source from the film department, however, has informed us that the commercial is to feature PBA celebrity Sierra Minott twirling flaming sailfish whilst riding a blue and white Clydesdale unicorn around the brand new reading rotunda. Early drafts of the script included a rap interlude from former Mr. PBA M.Lot, but this was scrapped shortly after his sudden departure.

Neither Lot nor Minott could be reached for comment.

Alcohol awareness week kicks off, party ensues

PBA email inboxes were practically overflowing this weekend with listserv invitations to a cocktail party in honor of alcohol awareness week. Health and Wellness went all out for the event, even securing popular academic rapper Asher Roth as emcee.

"We just really feel that we need to get the message out there that drinking as Christians is perfectly okay," said Health and Wellness representative Cayenne Pepper, handing out wine coolers. "In fact, we encourage it. Would you like another?"

All precautions were taken, of course, to ensure campus safety. Signs were hung in the cafeteria to let students know just how much alcohol to consume in order to stay under the legal limit.

"It's really helpful," commented a female freshman. "I can just look at this chart and figure out exactly how much I can have next time I hit up Clematis."

Not all safety measures are foolproof, however. Upon leaving the party, a car full of biology majors swerved out of control into the middle of the Rinker Green. No one was seriously injured, but there were trace amounts of so-called "party drugs" in the driver's system. When reached for comment, the anonymous student said nothing but, "It was the rats, man! The pharmacy kids and their rats!"

PBA appears to have learned its lesson from this fiasco, leaving the car in front of Rinker as a reminder and posting Safety and Security officers--armed with breathalyzers--outside of the chapel during a Newman Club event.

"Listen," asserted a Safety and Security officer, "Just because they're calling it the blood of Christ doesn't mean they can make sangria behind the organ."

Reading rotunda opens, students confused

PBA's long-awaited Lassiter rotunda recently had its grand opening, leaving many students wondering about the possible uses of such a space. Featuring three floors of books and study spaces, an officially designated reading room, and located adjacent to the celebrated Club Warren, the addition is seen by some to be entirely out of place.

"I just don't understand why someone would want to do homework here," said club-goer Bryan Saran. "It's stupid. I mean, you never see people trying to read across the street from Dr. Feelgood's."

Students found studying in the new space have complained about the level of noise coming from the ongoing party next door, particularly the bumping beats coming from the pharmacy students' third floor rave. As of this writing, PBA officials have made minimal effort to address these concerns.

"If students want a quiet place to study, there are plenty of those places available on campus. They don't have to do it here," stated brand new Club Warren manager Steven Cook. "I usually tell them to try the student center, or maybe the Baxter lobby. This is a club, not some kind of library."

Despite the commotion, students wishing to study in the rotunda have largely found the experience rewarding.

"It really is a great place," commented a frequent rotunda reader. "My only qualm is that I get really distracted by Dr. Clark and Kim Kardashian coming in the Club Warren VIP entrance every night."

PBA beefs up security in preparation for Socratic Club debate

In preparation for the Socratic Club’s upcoming faculty debate, entitled “Is Intelligent Design a Valid Alternative to Evolution,” PBA is under a heightened state of security.

“We are still a bit worn out from the whole SoulForce thing,” commented a bicycle-mounted PBA cop. “It’s tough work stifling free speech, but we think we’ll be ready.”

Despite increased security, Tom Cheeseknees, who will be arguing the pro-evolution side, is beefing up his own private security service. Because of his professed Catholicism, Cheeseknees previously hired Peggy “One Man” VanArmy to act as his bodyguard, protecting him from angry Protestants.

“VanArmy has done a good job for me. However, with the debate coming up, I thought it was time to bring in the big guns, so I've sought out Donald Lovejoy.”

Known for his superhuman feats of strength in the gym, Lovejoy gladly accepted Cheeseknees’ offer: “If I can bench 350, I can definitely protect that sissy Cheeseknees.”

The opposing camp, meanwhile, was brimming with confidence that their man, Paul Cofaunus, can take Cheeseknees down.

“In his book, True for You, but You Are Wrong,” commented Cofaunus’ agent, “Cofaunus demonstrates that evolution is false. In fact, in his nine books, four edited volumes, and twenty-seven journal articles, Cofaunus proves conclusively that you have to be a moron not to be a Christian—well, an evangelical Christian, anyway.”

Socratic Club Faculty Sponsor Sam “Don King” Seriousel seemed callous about the whole thing.

“Only in America, baby!” shouted Seriousel while the theme from Rocky blared in his office. “I won’t be happy unless the debaters come to blows—or at least if one of them is reduced to tears.”

Although the debate is still weeks away, militantly Christian PBA students, known as the God Squad, have already begun demonstrating outside Gregory Hall.

“First they let SoulForce stand on our sidewalks,” exclaimed a Bible-waving Squaddor, “then they tried to fire Ken Mahanes, then they tried to get rid of Religious Life altogether, and now they’re talking about evolution. PBA is losing its Christian identity!”

“Yeah,” chimed in another Squaddor, “as our former president used to say, Harvard also was once a Christian school. And look at what happened to it. Do we really want to be like Harvard? Do we? Do we?”

The debate is scheduled to take place at 7:30 p.m. on October 1 in Gregory Hall 114. Students are advised to attend at their own risk.

Welcome back, PBA

The Bacon staff extends a warm hoof of welcome to you in this new school year. Come back soon.

Breaking News: New President

PBA announced that the new President of the University will be Luther Hardin, former president of the University of Central Arkansas. We here at the Bacon wish him the best and hope that he has put the controversy of his past behind him as he begins his transition into the life of the University.

The comments section is now closed.

Breaking News: Mahanes is back

The following is a faculty list serve email.

As of July 1, Dr. Ken Mahanes will service the University as Senior Advisor. In this new role, he will establish relationships on behalf of the University with individuals, churches, and Christian organizations. He will form a group of University Fellows and publish. In addition, he will continue his service as seasonal pastor of Lost Tree Chapel and engage in other forms of spiritual outreach locally and regionally.

His office will be in Room 1133 Sachs Hall.

Becky Peeling, M.S., APR
Asst. V.P. for University Relations & Marketing
Palm Beach Atlantic University
561-803-2018

We here at the Bacon are truly happy to hear of Dr. Mahanes returning to PBA. We feel that it has to be at least partly because of all the support that was shown for Mahanes when he was fired. We would like to thank all of the students and alumni who spoke out against the dismissal of Dr. Mahanes and we look forward to seeing him back next year. Continue to have an awesome summer and see you in the Fall.

The Bacon wishes you a great summer

As you are finishing your finals, The Bacon wishes you luck. We also want you to have a great summer, even though you will be eagerly anticipating the first Bacon article in the fall.

Congratulations to the graduates, and good riddance to the transfers. We wish the best for Dr. Clark, Dr. Mahanes, and all of the other faculty and staff that will not be returning in the fall.

If you have an appetite for discussion, feel free to do so on The Bacon Forum this summer.

We'll see you in August.

A Statement from Dr. Mahanes

The following is a statement sent to The Bacon (and The Beacon Blog, who have also posted it). Please note that the protest has been canceled for tomorrow, so no need to make signs.

I would like to offer a personal perspective to the recent decision of the President to eliminate the position of Vice President for Religious Life and the concomitant “dissolving of the department of Religious Life by reassigning staff positions to other existing departments” as was announced in a list/serv to PBA staff and faculty on Thursday, April 30. 

I am probably the most naïve person in the universe because I really thought once the announcement was made public, we would all move on.  However, I was told by several friends that there was a Beacon and Bacon article with numerous comments and even a Facebook page announcing a demonstration opposing the actions of the administration. 

Because of my preoccupation with other matters, I did not look at any of these sources until now.  As of today, May 4, I have read all of the postings on the Bacon, the news story in the Beacon, and the comments on the Facebook page.  

First, I would like to offer some clarifications:

• The comment by one reader in the Bacon that I am retiring is inaccurate.  Mark Twain once said in response to reading his own obituary in the newspaper: “The report of my death is greatly exaggerated.”  The report of my retirement (or that I had expressed a desire to leave PBA), is not only greatly exaggerated, it is simply not true.
• I do not work at PBA only 5 months out of the year as another respondent to the Bacon article wrote, which brought a smile to my face.  If I did, I’d have a job that even Donald Trump would be envious of (I am aware that I ended that sentence with a preposition – my apologies to English majors).  To set the record straight, I serve at PBA on a 12 month contract and as a vice president I serve at the pleasure of the President to whom I am directly accountable.  For the past two years, I have also served as a seasonal pastor (about six and a half months of the year) at Lost Tree Chapel on Singer Island with the President’s consent and encouragement.
• In reply to a couple of comments about my income, my primary income and all of my benefits such as health insurance are provided by PBA.  Supplemental income from Lost Tree Chapel has been placed in retirement funds, most of which have gone down the toilet (excuse the crude analogy) during the past two years. 
• To clarify another comment in the Bacon, I did not learn of the President’s decision through an e-mail. I apologize if I left anyone under that impression.  Rather, Dr. Clark talked with me personally on April 2 and gave me a written memorandum informing me of his decision.  The information was not made public until April 30 via e-mail, which is the standard practice for making such announcements.

 

I want to thank so many students and colleagues who have made positive and affirming comments to me personally or in writing since the announcement of my departure was made last Thursday.  My favorite was a card slipped under my door by a professor and several of his students that was down-right funny, but very meaningful to me. 

Let me, also, make very clear.  The decision not to hold a farewell reception for me, but rather to request that individuals express their kind thoughts and words personally by cards or calls, was made at my insistence and was not the decision of Dr. Clark.   

Additionally, I respect Dr. Clark’s authority to terminate with or without cause those of us who report directly to him and to initiate administrative changes such as the restructuring of Religious Life. 

I am confident that the decision of the President to eliminate my position, which resulted in my termination, was not easy for him.  I have been in his position before and have had to make unpopular and controversial decisions to terminate staff both in my role as a pastor of a multi-staff church and in my administrative positions as a dean, a vice president and interim president at PBA.   

Unfortunately, this unpleasant responsibility comes with the turf and is the price of leadership.  In light of the financial exigencies of the University, I fully understand the President’s attempt to fulfill his fiduciary responsibility as the Chief Executive Officer accountable to the Board of Trustees of the University by taking the action that he has. 

Finally, I am sincere in not wanting to be the source of dissent or disruption at this time.  Therefore, in deference to my personal wishes, I am asking that the planned gathering on the Rinker Green on Tuesday morning be cancelled.     

Though I deeply appreciate and am honored by the intentions of students and others, I do not want anything to detract from focusing on Dr. and Mrs. Clark who have served PBA faithfully for the past 6 years or to interfere with the celebration of the graduating seniors and their families this week. 

I am grateful for the opportunities Dr. Clark has given me and the generosity he has shown me during the past 6 years of my 11 years at PBA.  I feel no ill-will towards him for his recent decision.  To the contrary, I wish for him and Lois the very best in the years ahead.   

Finally, I love PBA and have great optimism for its future and will continue to pray for and financially support the University as I encourage others to do as well. 

      -Ken Mahanes

The beloved Dr. Mahanes will no longer be at PBA

The following is a letter sent to PBA Faculty and Staff concerning more budget cuts including the dissolution of Dr. Mahanes' position as Vice President of Religious Life. 

Dear PBA Family,

 

In this difficult economic environment, I am certain we all feel pressures as expenses rise and our resources are stretched to their limits.  It is the same with the University budgeting process.  Our Trustees have commissioned our Administration to enter the coming academic year with a balanced budget and doing so requires serious evaluation of virtually every position and role on our campus. 

 

With a desire to fulfill the Trustee’s mandate for a balanced budget as we move forward, it has become necessary to creatively explore various solutions to meeting these financial challenges.    Sadly, this has required us to leave positions unfilled and to eliminate some positions.  One of these positions is the Vice President for Religious Life.  This will require dissolving the department of Religious Life by reassigning staff positions to other existing departments.

 

 Dr. Ken Mahanes has been serving as the seasonal pastor of the Lost Tree Village Chapel and will continue to do so.  He also plans to explore other ministry opportunities as the Lord opens the door.  

 

Beginning on July 1, the following new reporting structures will be implemented:

·         The Campus Pastor and Chapel Office will report to the President

·         The Workship Office will report to the Vice President for Student Development

·         The Campus Ministries and Missions Office will report to the Dean of the School of Ministry.

 

We, at PBA, are grateful for Dr. Mahanes’ eleven year ministry with PBA.  His ministry to our students and campus community, his efforts in advancing our church relations with local, state and national organizations and his unflagging commitment to share the wonderful story of PBA with acquaintances, friends and donors leave a lasting mark on PBA’s history.  Truly, we have been blessed by Dr. Mahanes’ talents, humor and gifted ability to relate to the needs of our students and he will be greatly missed.

 

Please take a moment to jot down your thoughts and well-wishes in a card or letter and send them to him.  I know this will serve as a meaningful reminder to him in the days ahead as he seeks the Lord’s generous provisions for the next phase of his life. 

 

Faithfully in Christ,

David W. Clark, President

Someone has also created a Facebook group for the purpose of opposing this decision.

 

Introducing the Bacon Forum

Dear loyal readers,

The Bacon, PBA's most reliable news source, has decided to create a forum for PBA students/faculty/staff/parents/anyone to discuss what is happening here.

This is an experiment. If it doesn't work out, we will just delete it, so please keep it civil.

You can find it here. The link will also be on our sidebar forever.

You're gonna have to create an account, but it's not that big of a deal.

Read our rules section before posting anything. We hope this becomes a great place for free discussion on what is happening at PBA.

Your humble servants,

The Bacon Staff

Dr. Lovejoy lives to teach another day

Nothing to report here other than that we thought this an incredible feat.

God fired from admissions department for not calling enough students

With all of the financial woes hitting PBA due to low recruitment, the admissions department has had to rethink their staff choices yet again. After a six hour brainstorming session, it was finally decided who the weak link was.

"It was like a light came on in the room!" exclaimed director of admissions Joe Dull. "In the end, God calls students here and we are just instruments, so it must be His fault that our recruitment is way down."

God was sent an email asking that He clear out His desk and to please "not make a scene."

The admissions staff is currently courting possible candidates to replace God.

"Krishna has become an early frontrunner. We think the fact that he has 16,108 wives will make him great at recruiting more female students" said Dull. "But don't count out Pan. His skills on the flute will be sure to raise our recruitment of music students."

"I know the plans I have for myself," declared the Lord.

Happy Easter from The Bacon

Female students make bank on eggs

With the recent downturn in the economy, PBA students have turned to supplementing their financial aid by selling their reproductive gold. Due to flexible schedules among college students, female freshmen can make up to $5,000 between FYE and Lifetime Fitness by auctioning off their eggs.

"Because of the economy, my parents lost their jobs and I almost had to attend community college," said freshman Stacy Delichen. "But now that I've sold a couple dozen eggs, not only is my tuition covered for the next four years, but I just picked up Bernie Madoff's old house on the island on the cheap."

Girls have been seen around campus sporting gold chains, designer names, and pimp canes.

Male students are also looking for a chance to cash in on this egg craze.

"I need to get my hands on some of them there chickens," said Pahokee resident Jim-Bob McClucksky.

Additionally, male students have not yet discovered the existence of sperm donation banks and continue to just feed the worms.

Interview with Dr. David Clark, part two of two

The Bacon is proud to present the second portion of our interview with Dr. David Clark, the current President of Palm Beach Atlantic University.

The Bacon: Why are you leaving PBA?

Dr. David W. Clark: The comedian George Burns said,”always leave them wanting more.” It is always difficult to know when to leave a situation when things are going pretty well, but completion of the Warren Library, reaccreditation with SACS, reorganization of most areas of the university, completion of several buildings, recruitment of over 100 new outstanding faculty, the completed purchase and plans for the Hillcrest property, and the move into the top tier of MA granting schools in the South in this year’s US News rankings suggest that PBA is entering into a new period of maturation and quality development. Lois and I are in wonderful health. Our two sons are in Texas with our grandchildren. We long to live once more at our home on Eagle Mountain Lake near Fort Worth. I am considering an offer to become a professor in a PhD degree program in higher education at a university in Dallas. But I am keeping my options open until I have a chance to sit on the back porch and watch the sunrise on Sunrise Cove for a few months.

Bacon: What is your opinion of The Bacon?

Dr. Clark: I have read it and gotten some really good laughs. A few times, I wanted to cry as well. Humor is a difficult form of prose to write well, but irony has a very powerful influence. I believe in the free marketplace of ideas. I think that The Bacon serves this purpose at times. It adds color and sometimes steam to the issues in the PBA community. The challenge with blogs is the lack of responsible gatekeepers. Of course, occasionally, I have been offended, but I think you have done a really good job of avoiding ad hominems and gratuitous criticism. Besides I like bacon for breakfast, but only if it is very crisp!

Bacon: What advice do you have for the next President?

Dr. Clark: Listen for 6 months to everyone that you can talk with from faculty to students to staff before setting a course for the university. Spend time with Dr. Warren and Dr. Moody. Spend time with some of our retired trustees. Pray every day for PBA as you drive into work in the morning and as you drive home at night. It is such a challenging responsibility that unless the Lord protects it and blesses it you may fail. Continue to pick up paper on campus and eat frequently in the cafeteria so students can see you and talk to you. Then go home and swim laps in a pool or run around the block a few times and enjoy your family.

Interview with Dr. David Clark, part one of two

The Bacon, the most reliable and relevant news source, has conducted an exclusive interview with the current outgoing President of Palm Beach Atlantic University, Dr. David W. Clark. We appreciate his cooperation on this project.

The Bacon: What has been your greatest accomplishment at PBA?

Dr. David W. Clark: In a sense, I have not really accomplished anything on my own here. I would hope that I helped move the school forward in being a place where rigorous learning and critical thinking is encouraged within a matrix of an evangelical university community. The good Lord has continued to bless PBA in the past 6 years as in the past 40 years. This university is a fairly complex organization with many contributing individuals. They are the ones why deserve the credit for whatever good has happened in the past six years. I realized again when I taught last semester that teaching is hard work. We have an outstanding and truly committed and engaged faculty. Every survey we take of students indicates that our faculty and access to our faculty is our strongest asset. Likewise we have a wonderful staff who totally involved with our students but really our greatest asset is our students.

Whenever I pat a student on the back (and I do that a lot) I know that I am literally touching the future. I love our students and I think it shows. I hope it does. After this spring commencement, I will have had the honor to award degrees to 4,000 of our 10,000 total alumni.

Bacon: What has been your greatest failure at PBA? What would you have done differently?

Dr. Clark: That is a difficult question because leading a school like PBA is more art than science. Of course you make mistakes and some decisions that you later question. I certainly have said things I wish I had never said. The decisions you think most about and lose the most sleep about are personnel decisions. A few of these I might handle differently if I could do them over.

I had hoped to have the Hillcrest campus all completed before I retired, but because of the economy that has been delayed until the university’s 60 acres on Southern Blvd sell. That could take awhile, but it is a very valuable piece of land and will sell soon. I believe and it will transform how we see our school and how others see us. This is a facility for the entire student body not just athletes.

Bacon: Why did you come to PBA?

Dr. Clark: I went to Northern Baptist Seminary and then was a pastor for several years. I became interested in rhetorical theory because of my need to prepare effective sermons three times a week. That led me to attend the University of Iowa to complete a PhD in rhetoric and communication theory. I taught at Iowa, Bowling Green State University, Regent University and Fuller Seminary as an adjunct. I really like teaching, but somehow I always got pulled into administration. Perhaps that suggests I may have some gifts in this area or that no one other faculty were interested.

My other great passion in life has been broadcasting and I have had the opportunity to have a great deal of professional experience in radio and television. I was president of FamilyNet in Fort Worth, a commercial cable television network before I came here. We produced hundreds of hours of daily programming as well as a number of award winning documentaries for ABC, NBC and the Hallmark Network. It was work that I loved. But I have always loved the academy.

A friend mentioned PBA was looking for a president. My wife, Lois urged me to investigate. I knew little about the school, so I called Jess Moody. He made it sound like the most important Christian university in America. I also spoke with my pastor, Jack Graham, who had been the pastor at First Baptist here. He was more candid but did note the growth and great potential of the university. After a number of calls from the search firm and late in the selection process, I agreed to become a candidate providing that my application was kept confidential. Somehow I emerged as the candidate of choice. I know now this was God’s plan for this period in my life.

Pre-health student declares coma patient awake

Kelly Fortress, a female pre-health student, declared a coma patient "awake" to the celebration of his family. The patient, Dan Goonchild, has been in a coma for the past three years.

 The family took Goonchild off life support only to discover that he was not awake. Goonchild died at the age of 22.

"I, like, thought he was, like, really really hot. My friends and I call hot guys 'awake.' I didn't mean to kill him. I'm, like, really really sorry and stuff," said Fortress.

PBA is discussing whether the Facebook group should meet the same fate as Goonchild. 

An open letter to The Beacon

Dear Beacon,

Although we cordially participated in the Sea Kitten portion of your most recent issue, we were saddened to find a major edit to our submission. Our submission included the following sentence: "Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics, but has been kicked out of the weight room due to his nudity."

The Beacon published "Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics."

When we sent the submission, the following message was sent with it:

"Please contact us before any changes are made, and please credit the author as "www.thebacon.org." Thx, hugs."

We received no email about the edit.

The Bacon staff is offended by the edit, and the breach of trust concerning the article. We would appreciate an apology and a retraction in the next issue.

The Bacon Staff

Mike Huckabee punches Big T in the face

Website sparks uproar, cries of FML

Students are up in arms about a controversial new decision regarding human rights and freedom of speech.

PBA recently added F*** My Life, a popular online destination among teens and twenty-somethings, to its list of blocked websites, citing “adult content.” The site, better known as FML, is a daily-updated collection of hilarious and embarrassing anecdotes, many of them explicitly sexual in content.

Many resident students have already taken to the streets, voicing their anger in violent protest. “This is ridiculous,” said freshman Mitch Rurry. “They already have MTV and Comedy Central blocked on the TV, and now I can’t even read my favorite raunchy website!” he exclaimed while tossing a Molotov cocktail through an upstairs window in Borbe Hall.

Safety and Security have beefed up their numbers in retaliation, calling in reinforcements from the West Palm Beach police department’s SWAT division. “This is even bigger than Soulforce,” said an officer when reached for comment. “We might have to break out the tear gas.”

A particularly poignant submission recently posted on the website reads as follows: “Today, I got back from my Point 58 Bible study and clicked on my FML bookmark expecting to be entertained for hours by reading about the misfortune of others. I was horrified to find my daily dose of dirty humor blocked by my stupid Christian school. FML”

Walmart assassins struggle to find women, shoot bearded men instead

Due to widespread warnings of gang shootings by Twitter and text message, PBA females avoided local Walmarts last night. Apparently originating with the West Palm Beach Police Department, the rumor told of gang members that would shoot three women at Walmart last night as part of an initiation. Fortunately, all Palm Beach Atlantic women avoided the retail giant's Palm Beach County stores.

The all-female gang involved, the "Wellington She-Thugz," also got word of the shootings tonight. Fearing lack of choice in victims, the She-Thugz decided to target bearded men. Unfortunately, text message warnings disseminate slower amongst bearded men.

 Entering the Walmart on Military Trail at 11:13, the gang fired upon three bearded men shopping in the produce aisle. The three men were pronounced dead on the scene, as the shooters fled in a red Volkswagen Beetle.

Did you mean: PBA Bacon?

The Bacon actually posts an article this week

The Bacon, "PBA's most reliable news source," has actually posted an article this month. The article, entitled "PBA makes last-ditch effort to enforce shoes before Spring Break," is the first post since March 3.

The Bacon was started in 2007 as a satirical site that would poke fun at Palm Beach Atlantic's various policies and idiosyncrasies. While The Bacon started off with articles of genius satire, most critics think that "it has not been as funny in recent years." While most of the criticism comes from one user, "Anonymous," the feelings are thought to be widespread.

"I'm glad those guys finally got their act together. I usually like to take a break from my heavy load of papers, work, and extracurricular activities and read articles on The Bacon. They just haven't been doing it that much lately," said junior Devin Rangoon.



The Bacon staff has only written about ten posts this year, while criticism has been piling up. One Bacon reader also recently stated that he did not know that The Bacon was still writing stories.

Though The Bacon encourages others to contribute by sending articles to their email address, only a few articles have been sent in the past two months.

PBA makes last-ditch effort to enforce shoes before Spring Break

In an attempt to combat the growing trend of breaking The Navigator’s foot dress code policies, PBA officials slyly introduced a line of footwear to the campus under the guise of fashionable charity.

TOMS shoes made a visit to the Rinker green on March 6, peddling shoes with the promise of providing a pair to a child in need for every pair purchased.

Hundreds of students, many sporting Livestrong bracelets and (RED) iPods, lined up for the elevator to the Weyenberg center for hours in order to catch even a glimpse of the TOMS documentary before the shoes went on sale at noon.

“I think it’s a great organization,” said sophomore Brent Evans. “With every shoe I purchase, I am able to impress people by subtly letting them know that I care about starving children in another country.”

Safety and Security officers were present at the event, monitoring the apparent success of their covert operation. Exchanging a high five with one such officer, Student Accountability director Derek Powdersilk commented, “Now if only we could make abstinence into some kind of chic clothing item.”

Students protest Spring Formal 2009

Student Activities is hosting Spring Formal 2009 on April 18. Although the Director of Student Activities, Jennifer Shout, is hoping for the second successful Spring Formal in recent years, some students on campus are putting on large demonstrations in protest.

"I think the Titanic theme is entirely inappropriate," said freshman John Exxon. "Respect for the Sri Lankan deceased is the reason why I didn't go to last year's Spring Formal, too."

The Titanic disaster led to the deaths of 1,517 people, which is seen by the protesters as an insensitive theme for the Spring Formal. The students involved in the protests are promoting a boycott of the event. Unlike past years when no one signed up, Spring Formal 2009 is being boycotted for a reason.

The theme is not the only reason why students are furious.

"Twenty five dollars? That would have been reasonable last year, but I just lost my spending money in the stock market," remarked senior Christopher Cross.

Despite a lack of unity in purpose, students will be staging a sit-on aboard the "SS Ironhorse," the Student Activities golf cart and symbol of naval disasters around the world.

Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The Secret Administrator

by Heather the freshman

Dear Bacon editor(s),

I am a devoted reader of your publication and wanted to share some thoughts.

You fellows put out some good news articles detailing the funny happenings around PBA, and as a student I can relate to everything you write. Like that article about Dr. Lovebliss, I totally remember taking a class with him! It was really fun and stuff.

Now, as a student, I believe I have quite a bit of humor to contribute to the Bacon. I can write some great stories and take some pictures incriminating some powerful people. Would you have a spot open on your staff?

I would love to meet with you personally to discuss joining the Bacon. Say, this Thursday at 3:00 PM upstairs Lassiter? That would be swell.

Thx, hugs,

Heather

Note: "Heather the freshman" is the actual pseudonym used by an administrator two years ago supposedly attempting to infiltrate our institution. Was this the goal? Who knows. Just remember to check your email signature before sending messages in sheep's clothing.

The math behind meal plans

The fine eating establishment at PBA charges more for those who buy in bulk. A loyal Bacon reader has sent in a spreadsheet detailing the difference in cost between the average meal bought by meal plan and the one bought on Flex Dollars:

The average meal from a meal plan costs $9.89, while the average meal paid for individually in cash is $8.57. With Flex Dollars, the price is even lower: $7.76.

In addition to paying more for bulk, PBA meal plans are considerably costlier than other private schools. Wheaton College in Illinois, consistently ranked among the best in the United States for on-campus dining, has an average meal plan price of $7.07. Wheaton is not served by Sodexo, but Bon Appetit Management, a California-based company. Biola University in California, also served by Bon Appetit, has an average price of $7.38.

Lower prices are also present at other universities served by Sodexo. The University of Tampa, a private university slightly larger than PBA, has an average meal plan price of $7.66. Although Sodexo does charge a price for its services, the prices are set by PBA.

We didn't know how to make this funny.

Dr. Clark's BlackBerry stolen, forced to read Beacon in chapel

'Research' grants given to anyone who wants one

Caught up in Washington politics, PBA seems to have given in to spreading the wealth by funding its own pork-barrel projects. The recent 2009 Quality Initiative Research Grant divested $28,000 from the university’s budget in order to support eight faculty members and four students with the intention this money be used for scientific and scholarly research. 

Seeing PBA's generosity, others lobbied for their share of an "initiative" package, and all of them got it under the new Matthew 7:7 policy.

“This sort of spending is just plain wasteful,” said frequent Beacon contributor Tetzel Harlem. “PBA is intent on cooking up 'Bacon barrel' spending which will drive us deeper into authoritarianism.”

“We can’t just universitionalize our science labs,” said College Republican Mark Lincoln, recipient of a substantial zoology 'research' grant.

Already struggling with containing the ever-growing philosophy department, the school was forced to give in to professor Dr. Chastekott’s demands and award him some of the initiative money as well.

“As this philosophy market bubble expands the only choice we have is to keep feeding this unpredictable industry, hoping the bubble burst will one day make it completely unprofitable,” said an administrator. “If this means students won’t be able to find jobs in philosophy once they graduate, that’s a risk we’ll need to take.”

A growing concern about the package is that the money will be misused. In an attempt to assure PBA that their money is being spent wisely, the science and philosophy departments took out full-page Beacon advertisements detailing their "research." 

“We’re gonna invest the money in lotto tickets,” said junior Mike Hight, a business major. “Statistically, it shouldn’t fail!”

Intramural team hopes spirit will help them win

One of PBA's new intramural soccer teams, Team Spirit, has a new player who is shaking up their competition. Joseph, former resident of the Riddle House, has recently joined the Team Spirit roster. Although Joseph ended his physical existence in the attic of the Riddle House in the 1920s, his spirit has been encouraging intramural teams give 110% for over 20 years.

The Riddle House stood on the site of the intramural field until the 1980s, when it was moved to the Yesteryear Village at the South Florida Fairgrounds. It served as a house for the Riddles, and, more recently, a PBA girls dormitory.

As Joseph was cohabitating, he began to develop a love for PBA's intramural sports teams. For over 20 years, Joseph has been a spectator. This year marks the first time Joseph will be playing for one of the teams.

Seen by some as a disability, Joseph hopes to use his lack of corporeality to help his team win. Joseph notes that he cannot trip in potholes or kick sand around.

"I may not be physically fit for the team, but I have enough spirit to help us succeed."

Special Report: PETA request exposed

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has asked PBA to ditch their iconic sailfish mascot in favor of the "Sea Kitten" Due to widespread confusion concerning PETA's logic, The Bacon investigative journalist John Spamino has been looking into the unusual request.

While thoroughly skimming the Palm Beach Post article, Spamino found that the newly created Sea Kitten was "created by PETA."

After casually consulting a lawyer friend about copyright laws, Spamino realized that if PBA honored PETA's request, the largest animal rights organization would hold all rights to PBA's mascot. Basketball jerseys and Sea Kitten Cup flyers would be fundraisers for PETA.

PETA is placing the pressure on PBA in an attempt to coerce researchers at PBA's state-of-the-art rat lab to immediately end their studies into the effects of party drugs.

PETA planned to place Sailfish Jack's role as mascot under scrutiny until the lab's forty lab rats are free to roam the city. The researchers had chosen the number of rodents to celebrate PBA's 40 fabulous years as an institution of higher learning.

Ida Robinson, President of PETA, commented, "Knowledge is inferior to rats."

PBA hires Google to keep an eye on philosophy department

In an attempt to keep students from thinking too outside the cave, PBA is taking extra measures to regulate the activities of the philosophy department, resorting to using the services of internet giant Google. 

“We did not expect this alarming amount of professor involvement,” stated Dr. Globa-Doba. “If we do not monitor and regulate this contingency we could be looking at a possibility of three philosophy professors some time in the near future!” 

PBA wanted to begin their investigation by monitoring the everyday lives of the professors by stationing new Safety and Security guards with even newer Safety and Security Uniforms outside the homes of the unsuspecting professors. This plan was soon thrown out when they realized the entire fund had been used up by the Michael Bay Library Movie. 

With this in mind, PBA turned to its last hope, Google. The company is widely known for its popular search engine and for its online maps, a feature administrators found particularly enticing.

“I'm glad we are finally dealing with this problem”, stated Dr. Lovebliss of the science department. “The idea of the possibility of non-empirical thought is a dangerous thing. You know there is more going on in those minds than the length of their lawns.”

Students wishing to join the fight against the philosophy department may use the Street View feature on Google Earth. 

Dr. Daniel E. Goodman has passed away

From PBA Alumni Board:

It is with sadness that I tell you that Dan Goodman who graduated from PBA in 1989 with a BA in Religion passed away this morning. The following are details of his amazing career at Gardner-Webb University.

BOILING SPRINGS, N. C. - Dr. Daniel E. Goodman of the Gardner-Webb University School of Divinity died unexpectedly on January 13, 2009 at the age of 40. Goodman was professor and Bob D. Shepherd Chair of New Testament Interpretation. “We are deeply saddened by the devastating news of Dan’s passing and we will be in prayer for his family during this time of grief. We are genuinely grateful for the time that we had with Dan and for the commitment and selflessness with which he served Gardner-Webb,” said Noel T. Manning, II, director of University and Media Relations at GWU.Goodman joined the faculty of The Divinity School at Gardner-Webb in the fall of 2003 as Associate Professor of New Testament.

Prior to coming to North Carolina, Goodman served as Associate Professor of New Testament Studies at Palm Beach Atlantic University, where he was twice named Professor of the Year, and was awarded the Charles and Hazel Corts Award for Outstanding Teaching.

In 2004, Goodman was one of only ten theological school professors nationwide to be awarded the Theological Scholars Grant (by the Association of Theological Schools and the Lilly Foundation) for his project on the history of Baptist-Jewish relations. Goodman had presented academic papers at regional, national, and international meetings of the Society of Biblical Literature. Goodman regularly contributed to book reviews and journals, including Catholic Biblical Quarterly, Biblical Theology Bulletin, Review & Expositor, and Review of Biblical Literature.

In 2006, Goodman was issue editor (and author of two articles) for Review & Expositor’s issue on Jewish-Christian Dialogue. Goodman’s primary research interests included Christian origins, Jesus and the gospels, hermeneutics, and Jewish-Christian dialogue. Although Goodman’s ministry took place first in the classroom, he was equally devoted to serving the church. He had served as an interim pastor in Baptist churches in New York, New Jersey, Florida and North Carolina. Goodman also preached and taught in numerous churches across North Carolina.

In August 2006, the Gardner-Webb Board of Trustees awarded Goodman the distinction of the Bob D. Shepherd Chair of New Testament Interpretation. Upon receiving this honor, Goodman said, “I’m especially thankful to my colleagues on the faculty, and for the students who make Gardner-Webb such a wonderful place to live and to learn.”Goodman was described by Rabbi Irving Greenberg, former chairman of the United States Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC and a national leader in Jewish-Christian dialogue in America, as “an up-and-coming scholar…a leader in the new vision of interpretation and learning.

In using wisdom and talent, he [Goodman] has reached the profound level of reconciling scholarship with faith while deepening each one,” said Greenberg.The cause of death is unknown and funeral arrangements are incomplete at this time. A wife and two sons survive Goodman.

We here at the Bacon are saddened by the passing of Dr. Goodman. He was a great influence on students during his time at PBA. Our prayers go out to his friends and family.

Happy Holidays from your friends at The Bacon

Thank you all for your dedicated support this semester. Have a blessed holiday season and we hope to see you in January!

Sincerely,

The Bacon staff

Florida Legislature outlaws The Bacon

The 2008 Florida Statutes include a section listing substances that have "high potential for abuse." Just so happens, The Bacon made the list.

See Section 1-B, number 24.  

Where PBA students learn about the Bible

Library renovated to suit pharmacy students

The Warren Library, the newest addition to the PBA campus, has been renamed and renovated to accommodate its most faithful patrons, pharmacy students. The new CVS Library of Pharmacy, with its less than sanitary bathrooms and previous penchant for parties, will now primarily cater to the needs of pharmacy and pre-pharmacy students.

"They came in and practically took charge of the library," said librarian Bob Twin, "and so we thought they just needed us the most."

Study rooms on the second and third floors now include a handy supply of insufflators and hangers for lab coats. Business, history, philosophy, and ministry books have been sold in order to clear shelf space for truckloads of PCAT study guides, medical journals, and drug brochures. The Rinker Boardroom has been converted into a pharmacy lab for studying the nature of energy drinks as a gateway drug.

Other academic programs have complained about the obvious favoritism being displayed for the pharmacy program in the library. PBA's administration took note of this, but rebutted by stating that the pharmacy program was PBA's "cash crop."

As one administrator exclaimed, "We don't even have to give them scholarships!"

PBA professor remembers the original 90's, 90-99 A.D.

by Dr. Lovejoy


Take a little walk with me, students, as I remember my childhood. It was the decade of 90, a time when it was fashionable for Rome to build a system of aqueducts and for iron plows to be fitted with wheels to control the depth and ease of plowing.

The 90's began with Parthia's Artabanus III dying after a 10-year period in which he had challenged the suzerainty of Pakoros II, who would continue his reign until 105. It ended with the silver content of the Roman denarius rising to 93 percent under the emperor Trajan, up from 92 percent under Domitian.

So what happened in between those years that made the decade in which I lived out my childhood so memorable? The popular culture of the 90's was full of fun and interesting events that I won't soon forget.

This was the decade when exciting new literature dominated our lives. I still remember when John of Ephesus first published Revelation. That's some pretty deep stuff, even today!


Also, there were always some juicy political events to keep the world's attention. Why, I remember it like it was yesterday when Roman emperor Domitian had a ton of his senators executed out of paranoid fears that they were plotting to kill him. And who could forget when the Roman emperor Nerva died suddenly on January 25, 98, at age of 63 after a 16-month reign and was succeeded by his adopted son, who reigned until 117 as the emperor Trajan. It really puts these current political "troubles" into perspective.

And don't think that racism in politics is anything new either. Why, I remember when a Jewish delegation to Rome was led by Rabbi Gamliel II, along with Rabbis Akiva, Joshua and Eleazar to request that Emperor Domitian rescind one of his anti-Jewish proclamations. How's that for racial tension?



And finally, a taste of things to come for the 100's. Zhang Heng left his home in 95 to begin attending University. He would go on to invent the first seismometer as well as the first hydraulic powered armillary sphere. How I lived without that stuff I'll never know.

As I look back and remember the crazy things that I lived through, I imagine what we will think when we look back on the first 90's of this century.

Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The PBA Rebel

by Anonymous

Let me tell you I am so freaking psyched to be on the freaking Bacon. For too long PBA has been trying to keep me down but they can never keep down my first amendment!

See, I've been talking to my buddies down at Smoker's Wall about how much PBA is out to get us. I mean, seriously, it's rule after rule infringing my rights and the SS on my tail trying to get me to conform to this whole Letdown-fest. Something's gotta be done.

I've been spreading the word on the Bacon. You might see my name in the comments section challenging the status quo. That's because this whole establishment needs to be questioned, man. That's what Ron Paul did and I just can't let his dream die.

So the next time you see me spreading the word don't give me no disrespect. I'm just as angry as you are. And you know what? The louder we are, the more we're gonna see a change in this conformity academy.

PBA to honor business leaders, collect donations

This Thursday PBA will celebrate its premier annual event, Free Enterprise Day, which has honored enterprising individuals since 1984.

This year's medalist is Dr. John M. Gregory, Managing Partner of SJ Strategic Investments and son of Lloyd L. Gregory, namesake of Palm Beach Atlantic University's pharmacy building.

Past recipients have included such names as Marshall E. Rinker, Sr., William G. Lassiter, Jr., and Carl DeSantis.

While the event transpires Thursday morning, PBA has already made plans to honor individuals in the future, including those mentioned below:

• Mr. John D. & Mrs. Catherine T. MacArthur
  
• Dr. Donald E. & Mrs. Bebe Warren
  
• Mr. Kenneth & Mrs. Laura Baxter
  
• Mr. Theodore & Mrs. Vivian Johnson
  
• Mrs. Helen Weyenberg
  
• Mrs. Vera Lea Rinker
  
• Mr. Henry M. Flagler
  
• Mrs. Helen Fraser
  
• Mrs. Bertha Borbé
  
• Mr. Oedipus Okeechobee
  
• Dr. John P. Greene III
  
• Dr. Gertrude P. Pembroke
  
• Dr. Arnold Lakeview
  
• Mrs. Eustice Oceanview
  
• Ms. Meredith Mango
  
• Dr. Walt Superdorm
  

Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The Confused Alumnus

by Dustin Dingleheimer

I remember my days at PBA like it was yesterday: The Bug Race, Christival, Resumania. Man, what a ride!

Now that I'm out in the real world, putting my degree to good use here at the Chick-Fil-A, I miss being in college and feeling that sense of community.

The Bacon is a great way for me to still know about current PBA politics and happenings. I just wish they would tell me the real story so I could get all the jokes.

For example "PBA opens new parking lot: Lake by the Chapel," what the heck are they talking about? Is PBA giving students aquatic cars and the Bacon thinks the money should be spent otherwise? What is rumor? What is fact? What is the new policy on parking in the deck? What's the real story?

Oh, and then there was that article "Soulforce is coming to PBA." What the heck is a Soulforce? It sounds like a legitimate organization but people on the comments seem to be debating whether or not that is true. I mean, look their logo, it has Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi on it. So they must be a great organization.

The Bacon really needs to work a lot harder at making sure that the other alumni and I know what these articles are about. So, c'mon Bacon, help all of us confused alumni out! I mean, what do you expect us to do? Read the comments and use some critical thinking? What, did I graduate from Northwood or something?

Note: This is the first in a series of "Portraits of a Bacon Reader." Check back for future letters from real Bacon readers!

General election polls indicate Mahanes the leading candidate on PBA campus

While the colors red and blue tint much of the map of the United States for the Presidential election Tuesday night, one speck in the state of Florida will likely be colored a bright yellow.

This speck, of course, represents the campus of PBA voting not for either major candidate but for respected VP of Religious Life Dr. Ken Mahanes.

As speculation arose that he would take the helm as President of PBA next year, Mahanes soon realized the entire country instead was much more in need of prudent leadership. The rest may soon be history.

The other half of the presidential ticket is filled by history professor Dr. Gary Poe. Though it seemed odd Mahanes would pick someone so famous for his liberal views, the candidate defended his choice.

“Dr. Poe is a man who will challenge me in the White House,” said Mahanes. "Plus, he said he'd give me five bucks."

Due to a lack of campaign materials readily available for the Mahanes ticket, students have been taking McCain-Palin signs and bumper stickers and have been crossing out the printed names to replace them with Mahanes-Poe.

“No one’s gonna know the difference,” said former McCain supporter Ricky Slim-Fast.

Members of the College Democrats have shown their support for the local candidate, setting up a table each week with information about Mahanes' policy and handing out absentee ballots with his name written in.

Former Ron Paul supporters have also taken up the Mahanes cause and have their chalk ready to write “Google Ken Mahanes” on all of PBA’s sidewalks.

Some students, however, were confused by the election activity going on.

"Is this for the Sailfish Jack sandwich thing?" asked sophomore Delilah Hammerthorn.

The Socratic Club's faculty debate scheduled for Monday night has adjusted its panel, adding to the conservative and liberal debaters an advocate for "just-plain-awesome."

When asked if he is running with any specific party, Mahanes responded, “Forget politics, let’s just party!”

We at the Bacon bid you good luck, Dr. Mahanes. See you at the polls!