Where PBA students learn about the Bible

Library renovated to suit pharmacy students

The Warren Library, the newest addition to the PBA campus, has been renamed and renovated to accommodate its most faithful patrons, pharmacy students. The new CVS Library of Pharmacy, with its less than sanitary bathrooms and previous penchant for parties, will now primarily cater to the needs of pharmacy and pre-pharmacy students.

"They came in and practically took charge of the library," said librarian Bob Twin, "and so we thought they just needed us the most."

Study rooms on the second and third floors now include a handy supply of insufflators and hangers for lab coats. Business, history, philosophy, and ministry books have been sold in order to clear shelf space for truckloads of PCAT study guides, medical journals, and drug brochures. The Rinker Boardroom has been converted into a pharmacy lab for studying the nature of energy drinks as a gateway drug.

Other academic programs have complained about the obvious favoritism being displayed for the pharmacy program in the library. PBA's administration took note of this, but rebutted by stating that the pharmacy program was PBA's "cash crop."

As one administrator exclaimed, "We don't even have to give them scholarships!"

PBA professor remembers the original 90's, 90-99 A.D.

by Dr. Lovejoy


Take a little walk with me, students, as I remember my childhood. It was the decade of 90, a time when it was fashionable for Rome to build a system of aqueducts and for iron plows to be fitted with wheels to control the depth and ease of plowing.

The 90's began with Parthia's Artabanus III dying after a 10-year period in which he had challenged the suzerainty of Pakoros II, who would continue his reign until 105. It ended with the silver content of the Roman denarius rising to 93 percent under the emperor Trajan, up from 92 percent under Domitian.

So what happened in between those years that made the decade in which I lived out my childhood so memorable? The popular culture of the 90's was full of fun and interesting events that I won't soon forget.

This was the decade when exciting new literature dominated our lives. I still remember when John of Ephesus first published Revelation. That's some pretty deep stuff, even today!


Also, there were always some juicy political events to keep the world's attention. Why, I remember it like it was yesterday when Roman emperor Domitian had a ton of his senators executed out of paranoid fears that they were plotting to kill him. And who could forget when the Roman emperor Nerva died suddenly on January 25, 98, at age of 63 after a 16-month reign and was succeeded by his adopted son, who reigned until 117 as the emperor Trajan. It really puts these current political "troubles" into perspective.

And don't think that racism in politics is anything new either. Why, I remember when a Jewish delegation to Rome was led by Rabbi Gamliel II, along with Rabbis Akiva, Joshua and Eleazar to request that Emperor Domitian rescind one of his anti-Jewish proclamations. How's that for racial tension?



And finally, a taste of things to come for the 100's. Zhang Heng left his home in 95 to begin attending University. He would go on to invent the first seismometer as well as the first hydraulic powered armillary sphere. How I lived without that stuff I'll never know.

As I look back and remember the crazy things that I lived through, I imagine what we will think when we look back on the first 90's of this century.

Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The PBA Rebel

by Anonymous

Let me tell you I am so freaking psyched to be on the freaking Bacon. For too long PBA has been trying to keep me down but they can never keep down my first amendment!

See, I've been talking to my buddies down at Smoker's Wall about how much PBA is out to get us. I mean, seriously, it's rule after rule infringing my rights and the SS on my tail trying to get me to conform to this whole Letdown-fest. Something's gotta be done.

I've been spreading the word on the Bacon. You might see my name in the comments section challenging the status quo. That's because this whole establishment needs to be questioned, man. That's what Ron Paul did and I just can't let his dream die.

So the next time you see me spreading the word don't give me no disrespect. I'm just as angry as you are. And you know what? The louder we are, the more we're gonna see a change in this conformity academy.

PBA to honor business leaders, collect donations

This Thursday PBA will celebrate its premier annual event, Free Enterprise Day, which has honored enterprising individuals since 1984.

This year's medalist is Dr. John M. Gregory, Managing Partner of SJ Strategic Investments and son of Lloyd L. Gregory, namesake of Palm Beach Atlantic University's pharmacy building.

Past recipients have included such names as Marshall E. Rinker, Sr., William G. Lassiter, Jr., and Carl DeSantis.

While the event transpires Thursday morning, PBA has already made plans to honor individuals in the future, including those mentioned below:

• Mr. John D. & Mrs. Catherine T. MacArthur
  
• Dr. Donald E. & Mrs. Bebe Warren
  
• Mr. Kenneth & Mrs. Laura Baxter
  
• Mr. Theodore & Mrs. Vivian Johnson
  
• Mrs. Helen Weyenberg
  
• Mrs. Vera Lea Rinker
  
• Mr. Henry M. Flagler
  
• Mrs. Helen Fraser
  
• Mrs. Bertha Borbé
  
• Mr. Oedipus Okeechobee
  
• Dr. John P. Greene III
  
• Dr. Gertrude P. Pembroke
  
• Dr. Arnold Lakeview
  
• Mrs. Eustice Oceanview
  
• Ms. Meredith Mango
  
• Dr. Walt Superdorm
  

Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The Confused Alumnus

by Dustin Dingleheimer

I remember my days at PBA like it was yesterday: The Bug Race, Christival, Resumania. Man, what a ride!

Now that I'm out in the real world, putting my degree to good use here at the Chick-Fil-A, I miss being in college and feeling that sense of community.

The Bacon is a great way for me to still know about current PBA politics and happenings. I just wish they would tell me the real story so I could get all the jokes.

For example "PBA opens new parking lot: Lake by the Chapel," what the heck are they talking about? Is PBA giving students aquatic cars and the Bacon thinks the money should be spent otherwise? What is rumor? What is fact? What is the new policy on parking in the deck? What's the real story?

Oh, and then there was that article "Soulforce is coming to PBA." What the heck is a Soulforce? It sounds like a legitimate organization but people on the comments seem to be debating whether or not that is true. I mean, look their logo, it has Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi on it. So they must be a great organization.

The Bacon really needs to work a lot harder at making sure that the other alumni and I know what these articles are about. So, c'mon Bacon, help all of us confused alumni out! I mean, what do you expect us to do? Read the comments and use some critical thinking? What, did I graduate from Northwood or something?

Note: This is the first in a series of "Portraits of a Bacon Reader." Check back for future letters from real Bacon readers!

General election polls indicate Mahanes the leading candidate on PBA campus

While the colors red and blue tint much of the map of the United States for the Presidential election Tuesday night, one speck in the state of Florida will likely be colored a bright yellow.

This speck, of course, represents the campus of PBA voting not for either major candidate but for respected VP of Religious Life Dr. Ken Mahanes.

As speculation arose that he would take the helm as President of PBA next year, Mahanes soon realized the entire country instead was much more in need of prudent leadership. The rest may soon be history.

The other half of the presidential ticket is filled by history professor Dr. Gary Poe. Though it seemed odd Mahanes would pick someone so famous for his liberal views, the candidate defended his choice.

“Dr. Poe is a man who will challenge me in the White House,” said Mahanes. "Plus, he said he'd give me five bucks."

Due to a lack of campaign materials readily available for the Mahanes ticket, students have been taking McCain-Palin signs and bumper stickers and have been crossing out the printed names to replace them with Mahanes-Poe.

“No one’s gonna know the difference,” said former McCain supporter Ricky Slim-Fast.

Members of the College Democrats have shown their support for the local candidate, setting up a table each week with information about Mahanes' policy and handing out absentee ballots with his name written in.

Former Ron Paul supporters have also taken up the Mahanes cause and have their chalk ready to write “Google Ken Mahanes” on all of PBA’s sidewalks.

Some students, however, were confused by the election activity going on.

"Is this for the Sailfish Jack sandwich thing?" asked sophomore Delilah Hammerthorn.

The Socratic Club's faculty debate scheduled for Monday night has adjusted its panel, adding to the conservative and liberal debaters an advocate for "just-plain-awesome."

When asked if he is running with any specific party, Mahanes responded, “Forget politics, let’s just party!”

We at the Bacon bid you good luck, Dr. Mahanes. See you at the polls!

PBA hires Blackwater to beef up Safety & Security

With recent dorm break-ins and other safety issues creating worry for PBA students, the administration has been taking steps to fortify campus security. One of these steps has been the hiring of Blackwater Worldwide to patrol campus.

Blackwater is a private security contractor, founded in 1997, which provides protection for pay. Some of its forces are currently stationed in Iraq providing security services alongside American troops.

The group has met controversy in the past few years for its aggressive actions, including the killing of Iraqi civilians, but this has provided an encouragement to PBA administrators.

"Students need to feel safe on campus," said Safety & Security director Terry Tirer. "Blackwater's policy of 'shoot first, shoot more later' will no doubt help curb the amount of crime at PBA."

The security contractor would also come in handy during visits by activist groups. The healthy supply of arms plans to be an effective barrier to protestors attempting to enter the chapel.

Some students, however, are wary of the idea and may feel intimidated by Blackwater's presence on campus.

"I was told West Palm Beach was a safe area," said freshman Evelyn Mosslepot-Williams-Calusa. "I was also told the art program had state-of-the-art buildings."

Freshmen suffer cataracts from staring at indecent Google images

While the PBA firewall is able to block access to most inappropriate websites, it is not able to completely protect freshman boys from access to alternate sources of visual stimulation.

"Google Images is a very serious problem," said the director of Lust Free Living, a group at PBA centered on helping students to overcome their lustful desires. "Not only do the previews of searched Google images cause students to back-track, but they also may lead to serious eye problems, including cataracts."

A cataract is a cloud that develops in the crystalline lens of the eye, which restricts the passage of light. Their severity ranges from slight vision loss to blindness.

Most doctors believe that cataracts are caused from long-term exposure to ultraviolet light. Many in the PBA community however, have surmised that the recent outbreak is the result of sheer trauma from the discovery of Google images.

"I thought my roommate was kidding," said Lloyd Vanderbulb, a freshman from Minnesota.

Vanderbulb used to see 20/20, but is now nearsighted and has trouble catching a frisbee.

He is only one of many freshman boys struggling with the urge to search.

Greg Turfmol alone spent over 57 consecutive hours on the Google image browser.

"There are just so many options to choose from," said Turfmol with a patch over his right eye.

Luckily for them, there is hope. Next semester, PBA will be holding a discussion on the issue of lust and Christian living, at which they will be handing out lechery-slaying swords for students to use against the devil's legion of lust pirates.

Presidential search survey

As PBA searches for a new president, they are asking for your opinion. Please use this opportunity to make your voice heard.

Presidential Survey

PBA disarms potential idea threats

Several weeks ago, administrators received an anonymous tip about a potential idea threat to the PBA campus. With the Idea Alert System already on code red, school officials were not willing to take any chances.

Idea-proof vests were immediately purchased for Safety and Security, faculty, and staff. The entire student body was also required to wear Bose 'idea-cancelling' headphones.

"We can't risk the safety of our students in the chance that a harmful idea were to ever penetrate school boundaries," said the spokesman for the newly coordinated Idea Committee. "Besides, what would parents and trustees think?"

Despite the hard work and planning (including screwing shut the back doors of all Towers suites), however, reports Friday showed that three masked African-American ideas were allegedly seen entering school property through a philosophy classroom. They were then spotted making their way over to the DeSantis Family chapel toward a large crowd of students.

Fortunately, Safety and Security, along with multiple school administrators, were already on the scene, waiting.

One of the masked ideas was first reported to have begun shouting the non-trinitarian doctrinal essays of Michael Servetus at an innocent freshman girl. A security officer, however, was able to leap through the air in front of the girl, all the while shouting, "Nooooooo," and absorb the entire onslaught into his left ear.

Another suspect suddenly pulled the pin on an idea grenade, launching it violently into a group of sophomore Physics majors. A school administrator immediately reacted, hurling his entire body over the potential disaster, embracing the full explosion of the scientific method.

The last suspect was apparently a nonviolent activist idea, and upon witnessing the chaos, sat Indian-style on the pavement and began singing Hebrew spirituals. He was soon tackled and apprehended.

The three ideas were adequately subdued, and are now in the custody of authorities. As for the security officer, he has reportedly been committed to a quarantined cell for sixteen weeks. The school administrator is recovering, though still in critical condition.

An administrator demonstrates how to effectively avoid multiple distasteful ideas at once.

Former PBA faculty members still enjoy some Bacon

PBA combats economic downturn, begins firing entire staff

During a time of economic uncertainty, there are many industries feeling financial pressure. From banks and big businesses all the way down to the local paint store on your intramural field, Americans are feeling the squeeze. Luckily for the credit markets, the government has decided to give them a $700 billion bailout to help them weather the storm.

PBA, receiving no such assistance, has found relief in a plan to terminate 110% of its staff.

"God wants us to sacrifice it all, which means our staff has to go," said a PBA administrator.

PBA sent a SIFE student to Washington to lobby for an earmark to include PBA in some of that sweet cash, but they were unsuccessful.

With admission numbers down due to the economy, money has become even scarcer around PBA. Some students are starting to notice how PBA has begun to pinch pennies from limiting the amount of toilet paper students can use in the dorms to selling off certain dorms altogether. As these plans failed to make up for the deficit in PBA’s budget, the administration had to come up with a new plan.

"No staff equals no paychecks equals more savings equals money in the bank," said a school administrator. "Cha-ching!" she added while pumping her fist.

By getting rid of employees, PBA will not have to use any tuition dollars for things like lower- to middle-level employee salaries. They have decided to drop 20 jobs and see where it goes from there.

The first to go included Chantee Picard, Debbie Wrathe, Jingle Garrett, and Igor Manic. More are to come in the following weeks.

Upset at this decision, the Steering Committee was seen giving a standing ovation and doing the sprinkler dance all day on the Rinker Green. Though this market correction has been met with some initial pessimism, PBA staff is being told to think of the big picture.

"We will all have to make sacrifices," commented accounting professor Raymond Pumpernickel, "but I believe the university has a bright future ahead. With a brand new reading room underway and superdorm being planned, the few employees left will be grateful to see the end of the tunnel."

PBA hires Michael Bay to direct library movie

As helicopters circled the campus on Thursday, Michael Bay, big-budget director of Transformers and Bad Boys II, envisioned the aerial shots as part of his new film, Phase II.

Bay was hired by PBA earlier this year to direct the film about the 80-year old octagonal building that will become a rotunda reading room in Phase II of the Warren Library's construction.

"I feel honored to be a part of this process," Bay said. "In time we can make this film another blockbuster."

The film begins with a heart-wrenching account of First Baptist Church members constructing the building with their bare hands using the rubble from the destructive 1928 hurricane. Earlier this summer, Bay oversaw the destruction of the Blomeyer Library through the use of dynamite and massive explosions, destroying the work of the aforementioned churchgoers.

Like his 2001 blockbuster Pearl Harbor, Bay is hoping to capture the historical era accurately. He has enlisted the help of the Historical Society of Palm Beach County to ensure that the film is free of anachronisms.

The film's budget is expected to break records, but that doesn't seem to faze the director.

"Of course it's going to be expensive to make this movie," commented Bay, "but you can't create awesome explosions and action-packed adventure without spending a little cash."

Soulforce is coming to PBA

On October 12-13, Soulforce will be visiting PBA during one stop on their 2008 "Equality Ride."

"Soulforce is a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) activist group that seeks to bring about "freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance."

On September 17, PBA sent out letters to both Soulforce and the campus community , expressing their sincere intentions for dealing with Soulforce's request to visit campus.

Now, we would like to open up a forum to you, the loyal Bacon reader, to give your serious thoughts on how PBA should respond to Soulforce's intent on visiting campus.

President Clark resigning at end of school year

President David Clark is resigning at the end of the 2008-9 Academic school year.

A statement from Dr. Clark:

We are all familiar with verse 1 of Ecclesiastes 3 which states, “For everything there is a season.”  That applies to many aspects of our lives including our professional lives.  In the past year, Lois and I have been contemplating our “season” at Palm Beach Atlantic University.  Late last year, after much discussion and prayer, we determined that our time at PBA was coming to a close.  As we reflected and prayed about this transition, we reached the firm decision that we needed to announce our desire to formally end our time of service to the University and move on to the next season of our lives. 

After conferring with Chairman John Greene and Vice Chairman Scott Hawkins early this year, we agreed that the ideal time to make this decision known would be the September meeting of the Board of Trustees.  It is my desire to formally conclude my service to the University by the end of June.   This will provide ample opportunity to identify and install a new president.  I will do everything in my power to promote a seamless transfer of the leadership.   Chairman Greene has already been at work to begin the search process which he will share with you today.  Until a new leader is in place, I assure you that I will continue to vigorously carry on the many duties of leading the University.  We have made wonderful progress together in the past 5 years in moving PBA forward as an outstanding Christian university.  I am confident that God’s blessing will continue to guide and provide for the development of PBA in the future.

It has been a distinct honor to serve the PBA community. This season of service to the students, faculty, staff, trustees and friends of the university has been by far the most fulfilling, and at times, the most challenging of our lives.  Lois and I have come to know and love so many here at PBA.  We will miss so much about this wonderful university and Florida (except the hurricane season).

We have a home in Fort Worth, Texas and all our children and grandchildren are now in Texas.  Naturally, we are looking forward to time with them and returning to our beloved Eagle Mountain Lake.   We will leave with the sweet assurance of God’s leading in the same way that we came to PBA.  We move confidently into a future with God’s promise from Jer. 29:11, “I know the plans I have for you, plans for good.”  May God bless you Trustees and may God continue to bless Palm Beach Atlantic University.

Learn how to overcome forgiveness at PBA

The next time you feel like forgiving someone close to you, think first. We are here to help.

Wazoo Weekend devastates PBA campus, reports Beacon

Palm Beach Atlantic students are just now starting to recover from the devastation wrought by the activities of Wazoo Weekend.

The event, which made landfall on August 29, caused a great deal of damage – estimated at $100 million – to the campus before leaving late on September 1. Authorities approximate several hundred students lost their homes and even more were without power due to the disaster.

“Hurricane Ike looks like a puddle in comparison with the storm of activity that Wazoo Weekend brought to the Palm Beach Atlantic University campus,” reported Beacon contributing writer Danielle Happysen. [See article.]

Many students who refused to evacuate before the event were caught in the direct hit of the jumping, jiving, and jousting. FEMA and the American Red Cross have been assisting survivors for the past two weeks.

“I can’t say for sure whether Palm Beach Atlantic will be able to recover from Wazoo Weekend in the near future,” said FEMA Head R. David Paulison. “Reconstruction efforts may take upwards of ten years, with luck.”

Note: We do not mean to belittle the damage done by Hurricane Ike. Our hearts and prayers go out to those affected by the storm.

'The Beacon' is back online

The Bacon is glad to see that our older, better funded step-brother, the Beacon is back online.

Here's our favorite part. Below "Contact the Beacon," it reads:

"Please send 'Letters to the Editor' to Hannah Mitchell, wavecraver911@yahoo.com."

Thanks for being professional, big bro.

PBA opens new parking lot: Lake by the Chapel

With the number of students increasing at PBA and the parking situation not getting any better, some students have found a unique way to beat the traffic.

"The chapel by the lake used to be the last resort", said a frustrated and moist senior Albert Ruckus. "Now the only way to park is to create your own spot anywhere you can".

Since PBA began charging commuters to park in the garage during the day, students have found it more financially sound to pay for water damage and a crane to get their car out, than hand over the cash for a few hours in the garage.

"I just went over the edge and parked in the water," said Ruckus, "and people followed suit."

With more and more students realizing their efforts to find a spot on land is futile; the idea is becoming more and more popular. Even the landscapers are having to double park just to get their work done.

Luckily PBA has found a solution to the problem. A new phosphorescent light red sticker will be available Thursday at 4:27 a.m. for all students to purchase for $300 who wish to park in the new "Lake by the Chapel" lot.

PBA Security has already purchased scuba suits and amphibious golf carts to adequately monitor the new parking area.

'Last Admission Staff Standing' receives rave reviews

Piggybacking the rising popularity of American reality television, PBA has released for purchase the first season of the popular campus television series, 'Last Admission Staff Standing.'

The show details the lives of nine staff members in the PBA admissions department, specifically their fight for survival and for their jobs.

The contestants for this season were: Cathy Dekodak, Gem Hennigan, Doe James, Shaft Bryan, Lonnie Justiceson, Regina Madison, Will Oldman, James Skooltz, and Staff Sullivan.

Unlike most reality shows however, 'LASS' does not feature any immunity whatsoever for those who perform well in daily tasks and competitions.

"We wanted the show to be all about surprise," said Margaret Argyle, the host and creator of 'LASS.' "No one knowing who will be next, it just feeds the lack of job security."

"I totally won the paper clip harpoon competition," said Doe James, who survived for a whole week consuming only rubber bands.

James was the first to be eliminated followed by his assistant, Cathy Dekodak.

Drama heightened when a scuffle between Will Oldman and James Skooltz, over who used seventeen freshman faith interviews to start a fire, sent Oldman packing. Fans of Oldman wore pastel colored pants and ties around campus for an entire week after he was voted out. His coat rack was auctioned off for three financial aid award letters and a course cap override to fellow employee Gem Hennigan.

"I don't even wear a coat," said Hennigan, who later voted herself out of the competition.

The show took on increasing popularity as contestants grew more and more excited to see who would be next.

"Sometimes the thrill of it all kept me up at night," said Skooltz. "Anticipating the reality that I might wake up without a job. It was exhilarating."

International Admission Counselor Regina Madison was eliminated after bringing in far too many international students. Counselor Shaft Bryan departed in search of 70's Hollywood glory and Skooltz was voted out for just being too gosh darn efficient. 

The show concluded with the climactic elimination of Lonnie Justiceson and Staff Sullivan, two esteemed members of the 'LASS' cast.

"We thought about declaring a winner, but decided just to eliminate the entire cast," snickered Argyle. "Justiceson and Sullivan just had way too much experience and besides, they were both alumni."

This came as a surprise to many, especially student Esther Teeney, who lost $25 in a Baxter betting pool.

With plans to begin filming a second season, fans can expect to experience laughter, tears, and an entirely white cast. Until then, the nine former contestants will be sorely missed.

Scientists blame global warming on methane gases, PBA students after Chipotle giveaway

Some laughed when they discovered that the molecular formula for methane gas (CH4) was also the first two letters of Chipotle, a Mexican grill fast-food restaurant. Man were they sorry.

Offering a free burrito and soft drink to all those with a PBA ID, Chipotle attracted a line of students and faculty that weaved around, through, and out the door of their restaurant on Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard.

The line however, did not end when students received and began eating their burrito, but continued another quarter mile, directly into three porto-potties positioned appropriately outside the restaurant.

Lasting all day Wednesday, Chipotle's parking lot was never lacking of incoming PBA burrito lovers, some returning a second time with even more voracious appetites, eager to engulf their maws in the flavor filled Mexican treat.

"I came five times," said freshman Angus Musterfork. "One for each of my senses," he added in a Spanish accent.

According to exit polls, over 500 PBA students and faculty participated in the giveaway, raising the earths temperature almost 1/10th of a degree. Thank you guacamole!

Incoming freshman actually a Darwin fish

When RA's were informed that freshman Darles Charwin had been naturally selected for Rinker dormitories, they thought nothing of the matter. They soon discovered however, that the situation was of a much more advanced and higher importance.

After checking in, settling down into his new campus apartment, and beginning classes, Charwin appeared to be handling the 'transitionary' stages of college life very well. Maybe too well.

Faculty and staff became suspicious of Charwin when four legs began to slowly evolve, over time, from his fish hat throughout fish week.

Charwin's roomate, Alfredo Wegener, notified school authorities when Charwin began spending "way too much time" in the PBA weight room, all the while excessively singing Destiny's Child's "I'm a Survivor".

"He kept talking about surfing in the Panthalassa," said Wegener. "I just thought it was slang for flagpole."

While not a single one of Charwin's admissions counselors was to be found, his files revealed some very provocative information

Charwin was discovered to be an international student from Pangaea, Earth, with a date of birth of sometime around the vernal equinox of 240,000,000 B.C.

PBA science specialists Dr. Lovebliss and Dr. Cheeseness were immediately brought in to run carbon dating tests on Charwin's limbs and face.

While the results are still pending as to whether Charwin is in fact the missing link, a resounding "we told you so," has been heard coming from all PBA science laboratories. Dr. Lovebliss has also been spotted staring into the sky, pondering the good ol' days of the early Jurassic period.

Wazoo Weekend repeats 'Most awesomest event title of the year'

After initially planning to title this past weekend's event "Out the Wazoo Weekend," Student Activities settled for a title that merely means the same thing as "Butthole Weekend."

"It just sounded so funny," said Neil Better, when asked about his decision to name the event after such a provocative body part.

The event, hosted at the Harriet Himmel Theatre in City Place, was created to wow the PBA student body with a fun evening of crazy games, amazing gift bags, and other insanely totally tubular prizes.

The event attracted a wide variety of participants beyond students.

Parking lots were packed to the hilt when over 10,000 licenced proctologists arrived, hoping to catch all the action of the 'jousting' tournament.

Half the population of Key West was also reported to have attended simply to gaze upon the pirate sword-swallowing spectacle.

While they ultimately decided on Wazoo Weekend, PBA considered several other names for the event, including:

1. "Wacky Wiener Weekend"
2. "Big Bosom Blast Weekend"
3. "Rectum Rally Weekend"
4. "Testicle Spectacle Weekend"

Adam McKinney: Student Government President, pimp

Look out, ladies! This Student Government President (and only male member of the administration) will not only steal your vote, but he'll steal your heart.

Adam McKinney, a sophomore, political science major from Gainesville, Florida (more like Heartthrobsville, USA!), wakes up every morning to Marvin Gaye and eats Suave cereal for breakfast.

When he's not thwarting injustice with an iron fist, he's rescuing sea turtle eggs from the Towers fox (not to mention wooing foxy ladies around campus).

"He's got the debonair of James Bond, and the fiscal policy of Ronald Reagan," swooned Holly Bandsaw, a newcomer to the student government team.

Good luck, Adam and the rest of Student Government. Keep fighting the good fight.

Freshman's toe malformation dampers foot washing service

It came as a surprise to incoming freshman Patrick Franklin when he and his three-toed left foot were deemed 'totally gross' at the Welcome Week foot washing service on Sunday evening.

Marking the conclusion of Fish Week, the evening focused on the idea of service. At its conclusion, several PBA administrators began washing students' feet, who in turn washed their fellow students' feet.

Like those before him, Franklin removed his shoes and socks, placing his feet in the bowl of water. This was followed by a scream, and an "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh!," from sophomore fish leader Cindy Bolberjam

Keeping her composure long enough to dry the gap between Franklin's little and index toe, Bolberjam made it off stage in time to sob into her roommate's shoulder.

"It definitely, like totally growled at me," said Bolberjam.

Two PBA soccer players were also escorted off stage after contaminating a washing basin with athletes foot. Likewise, no one dared to go anywhere near Gi Josephs, a transfer into the ROTC program, when he unveiled a repulsing case of trench foot.

All in all, the evening was a success, and mad props go out to PBA administrators for their brave service.

Welcome back, future alumni and ex-employees of PBA

As we begin a new school year, we here at the Bacon are excited to bring you the most reliable PBA news. However, we cannot do this without the continued help and support of you, our PBA family.

So we want you, to please send us your ideas, stories, photos, videos, and money.