Starting Monday, every last acre of property at PBA will be up for sale. The money will go toward new buildings to be constructed over the next five years, said a construction official at a press conference earlier this week.
"We feel that this a positive move for the school," said property supervisor Jerry Smith. "With that money, we can build four, maybe five buildings at least."
But during the news conference, reporters quickly asked if anyone at PBA realized that there wouldn't be any place to put new buildings if they sell off all the property.
"God will take care of it," said Smith. "If we have faith in the Lord, we won't have to worry about silly things like hard work and pragmatism. He'll do it all for us. And if something goes wrong, by our logic, God can do no wrong, therefore it must be good for everybody. Next question."
But out of nowhere, one reporter cited the Holocaust, and how it didn't quite work out for some people.
It was at that moment when the PBA official first realized that he probably shouldn't make blanket statements that make very little sense.
"Next question, please," said Smith, trying to move on.
"What about the spreading of AIDS," chided another.
"Next question."
Stalin's purges of the 1930s that killed 20 million innocent people?
"Next question."
Katrina?
"Next question."
The tsunami that hit southeast Asia?
"Next question."
Columbine?
"Next question."
The Left Behind movie?
"Next question."
9/11?
"Homosexuals and feminists, my dear. Homosexuals and feminists...next question."
The group then got into a messy discussion about theodicy that lasted through the night. Calvinists pitted against Baptists, Catholics raged against the Episcopalians.
PBA officials quickly realized that if they ever want to get out of saying something, all they need to do is spark a theological debate, and then quietly slip out of the room. Works every time.
18 comments:
I think that this article may forever be remembered as the point in time when the Bacon "jumped the shark."
The last few artciles have been slipping, but I think that this marked the end. You've stopped basing your stories on stuff that actually happened at PBA and have started to make up your own stories. You've ceased to be smart and satyrical and now sound bitter and vengeful.
I have liked a good deal of what you've done so far, but you need to turn away from the fictional stories and go back to stirring the pot through smart humor. Is there really nothing left for you to make fun of?
hmmm...
I can't say I disagree, though as I am not a student at PBA, it's difficult for me to be sure when something is based on truth in the first place.
I do think that the authors of this site are good with satire and should keep it up.
I agree with the first comment. Spoofing the silly stuff...funny observations of quirky campus life is what makes us love you, Bacon!
When you become bitter and step into the realms of seeming anger and resentment, it's tastes like burned...bacon!
Lighten up the fire a little, Bacon! Take a moment ( and a deep breath)go back and review some of your 'crown jewels'('Mass exodus to Garner Webb','fat chicks','mission trip to smoker's wall''bum falls asleep in the parking lot, gets booted' etc) and I'd suggest you revert to that kind of reportage. That's the kind of stuff we Bacon lovers want!
'Bitter and burning' does not make better bacon, Bacon! Lighten up a little!
I guess none of you know that PBA is considering selling the entire Towers and Lakeview property so that they have money to work on the next part of the library and possibly turn Sacs into a dorm.
Yes, this article is indeed based on some truth. Like any growing school on extremely valuable property, the wisest thing is to sell currently owned land such as that of Towers and Lakeview so when enrollment rises there will be enough space for new students. Makes perfect sense. Oh, I also heard they were considering combining Borbe and Weyenberg together to create a "superdorm." Of course this is because the school doesn't really need classroom space and can simply convert the entire parking garage into employee parking. PBA: contracting its campus for a brighter future.
If PBA sells Lakeview and Towers there will be a clause that they remain open until new dorm(s) are built to allow for the student's housing needs.
The next building will also be much more than just dorms. It will be 12-15 stories high and include parking, dorms, classroom space and maybe even some dining.
When you can sell some of your property for 50-60 million and pay for a "superdorm" that addresses so many campus soncerns, why not do it?
In case you are not yet in the know...
The Mango article is based on truth.
This article is based on truth as well. They are looking to sell property to make money for new buildings.
Nothing has been made up.
The comments here make me think of the article concerning websense blocking all news except The Bacon. In all reality, The Bacon (and now the comments too) are my only source of news about PBA! Good job The Bacon and The Bacon readers for being funny and informative.
Who needs to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on cable when they can "borrow" their neighbor's wireless internet and read The Bacon?
its funny how the comments start out ignorant and then fall into line. also funny that the first people to respond are the negatives, so why are they reading these so fast? it is true that they are considering selling property, but i feel that the property they are looking to sell takes away from the campus, def when they put a high rise there. but who cares what the students think, double d C are great pres is lord here. might want to do an article on his six digit salary, his free house, his free jag, and how he affords his 30,000 dollar membership to the presidents club, its funny to see him eatin up there next to me, knowing that we are the ones that pay his salary. so now ive drifted way off of my original point, so lets see what you smart ass people have to say about that.
S & S Taunter...boy...what big collegiate words you use! Shows your maturity level. So...would you be as bold and brash to the face of the ones you taunt? I doubt it. I challenge you to "cowboy up" and face your biggest whine... the administration. Even though some of us might agree with portions of your rant, I'm sure a lot of us will not agree with your methods. I do not agree with the pretentious natures of certain members of the administration, but God will take care of them in His time. Your original point was ignorance, yet it was lost in your own immature, ignorant use of the profane. I hope you grow up soon...
Indeed. Good grammar is hot.
RE: S&S Taunter's post. Although you may consider his post profane, and immature, at least he/she had the testicular fortitude to "cowboy up" and say something that I have yet to hear in the comments section. In the same theme, I'm sure everyone would be interested to know that while students were evacuating for Wilma, National was up at Dr. Clark's free house preparing it for the storm while campus was left completely unprepared. Nice to know that the school has their priorities straight.
Testicular fortitude...haven't heard that one in a while. While the priorities of the administration are quite skewed and completely focused on $$$ and appearances with a God undertone, let me remind you that when one has challenged the agenda of the administration, they are summarily deemed "uncontrollable", "disrespectful", even un-Godly". Believe me when I tell you this: I can tell you lots of true stories about what happens behind closed door meetings with administration. Patience, however, must be priority at this time. Just an FYI...testicular fortitude is only worth something when it is exercised for truth, justice, and God during times of trial; not hiding behind a cloak of anonymity.
And why would one want to throw themselves on the sword of an "ungodly" administration? I think it would be completely worthless to throw away a few years of $25,000 a year tuition especially when most of your credits count for naught when transferring. The beauty of The Bacon is that people can speak their minds, under a "cloak of anonymity" without persecution, complain without being labeled and even get answers to their questions without being pandered.
Going with the theme of an ungodly administration, how would one go about replacing the ungodly administration with a more Christ focused one? The board of trustees are completely absentee, and everyone else seems to be on the take. I think if there were a way to get that done and there appeared to be a chance of it succeeding, you would see cloaks flying off all over campus. It would be like the celebration we witnessed in Baghdad when Saddam fell from power.
It's easy to point and scream at things from the administration, but you all seem to be forgetting very important details. First and foremost, Dr. Clark was extremely wealthy long before he came to PBA. This is little more than something to keep him busy in his retirement. Complaining that he is using student tuition for his own personal goals is less than ignorant.
As for the selling of Towers and Lakeview, thank God. Right now the property value of the location is still disproportionatly high. They could easily use the money they get from selling the property to build a high rise with many more places to live as well as parking and hold off on handing the property over entirely until the new building is finished. Essentially, screwing over some developer for better housing.
When they plan this things out, they're usually thinking a decade into the future at least. The school has expanded at an insane rate of speed over the past five years. Any faculty member can tell you that in the mid-90's this place was even smaller with even fewer services. The planners of this university have to struggle to come up with ways to keep up with the new size and expectations of the student population.
OOoooooooooooooooooooooo, a superdorm! Cool! 12-15 stories?!?! I wish I was here to see it, I mean, I'm a junior right now :(.
I still can't get over how Johnson and Sachs are right next to each other.
LOL!
I've been here for four years, and I never put that together.
They make a great team on so many levels!
good observation
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