In the wake of multiple disciplinary incidents regarding student drug use, PBA introduced an official crack down policy. Instead of trying to weed out all potential drug users, PBA has decided to simply suspend the entire student body indefinately.The new campus policy, entitled 'Drug-b-gone,' will suspend the entire campus immediately until further notice, ensuring absolute no current or future student drug use.
"With no student body, we won't have to worry about any students smoking drugs," said a spokesman for student accountability as he rounded up students with a lasso.
The plan began after one student allegedly tipped off Student Accountability to the possibility of mass campus drug use.
"I eat 'Matthew 18 Raisin Flakes' for breakfast," said TJ Horace as he played numerous secretly tape recorded confessions of his roommates for school officials.
With many drug related incidents taking place recently, PBA officials simply applied past examples to their current quandary.
"Suspending students is the first line of defense agaist future drug use," said Derrick Powdersilk. "Once off campus, it will be twice as hard for students to get a hold of drugs, so they will have no choice but to abstain from drugs forever.
The policy of suspending vast quantities of students however, has led many to question how much good is actually being done.
Nevertheless, PBA officials continue to drive students off of school property in droves.
43 comments:
hey i like eric lowdermilk
With how much love the Bacon obviously has for Theater, I'm surprised we didn't see an article saying how mad students are that they were overlooked in last night's Oscar ceremony.
It would have been better than this. Do you really think PBA should NOT suspend people who do drugs?
It's the Bacon's job to go over the line in parody, and this is just another example of that. Of course it is expected that PBA should have a drug policy. Even secular schools have drug policies.
They might as well turn the comments off of this article because it is going to get ugly real fast.
well this was suck-tastic
yup. Better shut this one down, before I go on and find 45,771 comments listed on this one.
will someone explain
This would have been funnier if you'd made fun of PBA students who think doing drugs is ok.
We want the students to stay, and the drugs to leave.
It's not the fact that people are getting in trouble, it is the fact that they get suspended. Is getting suspending gonna stop someone from smoking? PBA should aid them through a program or something to get them to stop.
to captain crunch,
a high amount of people have been suspended lately for marijuana more than in the past
i like pot better than:
1. fye
2. sailfish jack and jill
3. cigarettes
4. deep fried catfish
5. spooning my girlfriend in the baxter lobby
6. sailfish cup tournarments
7. getting rug burns on my knees, begging for forgiveness in the student accountability office
8. the navigator- is that a spin off, perhaps a florida joke for alligator?
9. the sorry sneeze they called the business major
10. alcohol
not saying i smoke it, just saying i like it better than other things. duh.
I love the satire here. It does seem sometimes like PBA loves it rules more than its students.
anonymous 3:24 - It's called amnesty and it already is a part of PBA. Any one who has been suspended for drugs wouldn't have been if they had sought help. People stop if they want to. PBA gives people the opportunity to show us they want to by coming forward. Many to most of those who have been suspended were prompted or encouraged to do so in some way shape or form, but chose not to.
anonymous 4:11 - love. love needs it's horizons broadened. too often we're criticized for 'not loving the student kicked out.' We do. Trust me, we do. The reality is that we (and you are included in 'we') also need to remember to love the rest of the community. We need to love the roommates, suitemates etc. who are able to breathe and focus on what they're here to do (learn!) after someone leaves (I've watched it happen). We need to love the student who might be offered some next week and needs the motivation to say no to a $12,000 mistake and an illegal and unhealthy habit (and more so, deserves to not be offered by a fellow member of this community in the first place).
Students do need to be loved. Students are loved. ALL of them.
timmer has obviously never smoked weed.....ofcourse its not a productive thing, and is also obviously not what students should be at PBA for, but is pot really what is going to determine a soul, i gossip, lie, curse, and have a thousand other "unhealthy habits" and i'm not trying to seek help, maybe i should. but thats not what i'm getting at, i'm saying that pot is looked at as the ultimate no no at our school and half the people pulling the plug know nothing about it. A bit blown out of proportion it seems. Were in college and were growing and maturing. Its shouldn't be one substance that ruins an education. lets have some grace, and some smarter heads to resist against something that PBA will kick you out for doing. people make mistakes, lets have some second chances.
loves a joint
that's my jam
now turn that ish up
and play it again
...told ya we should have shut down the comments on this one...
For the record, I think PBA S&S and EL try to gather the facts and try to show grace, and tries to give us second chances.
There is a process and its in the book, and I know that this process has helped people, as well as getting some kicked out. They aren't going to get it right every time, people. I'm sure there are people who are in the WPB jail who shouldn't be there, and there are some that got off when they should be in jail. The big boys don't get it right every time either.
Recent S&S hirings have been good too, I think. I think they do try to understand, but remember, they have the hard job to making sure nobody gets hurt on this campus, and the rules are followed. Remember too, they are on call 24/7.If you had a real problem in the middle of the night and called for them, you'd be glad they were there.On the other hand, sometimes the efforts in safety and security look silly-like something from a tv show, and sometimes they seem Nazi-like, but let's all remember that this is a campus security operation,not a professional police department with millions of dollars of tax dollars behind it. I think they do a pretty good job with the funds that they get from administration. Do they get it right every time? No way. Do they fumble around sometimes, sure. Is the judgement process awkward and maybe even sometimes wrong on its calls? I'm sure. That's a part of life. Cops and judges aren't there to make everybody happy-they are there to uphold the law as best they can.
Also, let's remember, this is a Christian school. You knew what you were getting into when you signed up, and the rules here are way more graceful compared to some other Christian schools. Sometimes tough love is exactly that...tough.The hope behind it is that somebody will make some changes and grow up a little, before its too late. The hope is that it might save somebody from doing something so bad that the big cops and real judges from WPB have to come in, and then forget about "grace"-you're cooked! If S&S and ER will do their jobs, be fair about it and not try to play favorites or use snitches, it'll all work out. Remember EL and S&S, you earn trust by being consistant and trustworthy in your judgement calls. If you waver or are 2 faced or play favorites, forget it- we won't trust you. You'll get hammered. We just want you to be consistant in your calls. You are like the refs at the basketball games. Be consistant, our get ready to be booed by fans on both sides of the court.
Having said this, I know the heads of these departments have some very hard jobs to do, and they know they are hated by some on campus. I'm sure it's a lot of fun getting dirty looks all day, and every time you walk up to some people, conversations stop.
I expect I'll get hammered from both sides for this posting, but that's the way I feel about the whole thing.
Former anonymous, when you post please make up a nickname so people can respond to you easily. Bacon, please delete the anonymous option so convos can run smoothly. And to the timmer and anonymous, I know of several people who quit pot and came forward but were kicked out. THERE IS NO GRACE!
Matthew 18ism is to PBA as McCarthyism is to USA. How's that for an SAT level analogy?
Wow...someone seems pretty bitter about being kicked out. Get over it dude.
All this thread needs now is someone to mention who may have written this articel all the way from Inida.
How about if someone from another school comments about your school's drug use? Will you all unify and take me down? I go to another small private school and they do some of the same stuff here as they do there when it comes to enforcing policies. It seems to me that this article is, like most other Bacon articles, is just blowing one fact about the school way out of proportion. I love the Bacon, it makes me realize some schools are going through the same problems as my school, the Bacon just has the balls to make fun of school while still enjoying the education they are receiving there.
What is the answer?
How can students and accountability get along?
I'm sorry your school is so sad that you have to come to the Bacon to get a laugh.
The only valid point that I can see in this entire argument/article is that the school's policies are driving students off campus. Anyone else notice that most of the "bad" kids move off campus right after their freshman year? They get fed up with the rules and move to a location where they are less likely to get caught. The school gets stricter to deal with the "trouble makers" who give our fine institution a bad name and cracks down on the residents that live on campus.... then they start to crack down on "un-Christian" behavior like saying the word "gay" or pranking your roomate, or heaven forbid skateboarding on the carpeted hallways. Students begin to realize that living off campus has been getting cheaper because the housing market has crashed and rents are getting cheaper... behold the exodus. Then there follows a flurry of new fees to make up for all the students who left (new cable fee? $15 a night to stay in my own room over the break? wtf?) making on campus housing even more expensive.... There has already been one set of budget cuts, I think you see were this is going.
To: To Charlie,
I have a lot of fun in St. Augustine my school has its moments of fun, I just like to read the articles when I take breaks. Plus I know some of the contributers.
charlie....shouldn't you be in St. Augustine hanging with fine Christian girls and listening to Damien Rice.... :)
drugs are illegal. pba should call the cops and stay out of it. how's that for an alternative? getting kicked out sounds better than drug use being on your permanent legal record.
To yellow couch, most cops (especially Palm Beach County Sheriffs) don't care if you have an eighth ounce of pot on you. The cops have serious growers (ever hear of the Corbett area?) and dealers to handle, so some college kid with a gram in his backpack is a waste of time to most of them. They might confiscate it, but that's probably the extent of it.
There's no growers in Corbett...they're all farther west in the Cane Fields
This is an absurdly biased and poorly done article. Boo, Bacon, boo.
I think the bulk of the outrage from this one comes not from the sheer bulk of people suspended, but who particularly got suspended and how close of friends they are to people who now write the Bacon. It's pretty well known that Lowdermilk actually tries to avoid suspending people when at all possible, but if someone is stupid enough to refuse a drug test, mouth off during a meeting or break every single rule PBA has ever established ever *coughWilsoncough*, then they pretty much get what's coming to them. That is, unless they are from the infamous clan of the founder.
Anonymous@4:01,
I still am in Auggie. The good Christian Girls quote Song of Songs verses at my car as I blast Damian Rice from my car speakers. Nothing is better than listening to Damian Rice while stargazing though.
I thought this article was funny. But I also think it is pretty reasonable for PBA to enforce its drug policy.
I beg to differ. I know several college students who were arrested for having a gram of weed on them, taken to jail and given a court date. Oh ya, and it is on their record now.
to akempis fan...nice shot on the founding clan but in case you haven't heard, one of them is in India. Be careful mentioning his name because people on here get really mad when you do.
Why would anyone get mad about something in the Bacon? PBA made an official statement about the Bacon in the Palm Beach Post, and it was positive.
Maybe the Bacon writers should come out of the closet (kitchen) and get a scholarship or some other reward.
Did Scott Wilson get suspended for pot or something?
Scott Wilson got suspended for several things, but pot wasn't one of them. He is probably the best example of the opposite end of the accountability spectrum: some rule breakers DONT get kicked out (even after tempting fate for three or so years).
Big Pete,
That wasn't really much of a "shot". Their antics are really pretty well known, and while one of them in particular certainly did have a lot of friends, I think it's safe to say the general consensus is to smile and nod, but think twice.
triple p's. Parody Paper People
what I want to know is, who is up at 5 A.m. commenting on the bacon?
...told you that there'd be a lot of comments on this one.
yea here is another one... i like to poop.
Worst story...PBA's most reliable source...I feel sorry for people who read this and actually think it is real and turn away from PBA
I'm happy this story was written because I feel like there is no dialogue going on around campus about the policies of drug testing. it's an issue too taboo to be talked about and convenient enough to be ignored. let this only be the beginning of the conversation!!
also, for those who keep writing foolishness like "is this real" "i pity those who think this is real and turn away from pba"-- Let me remind you:
SATIRE. SATIRE. SATIRE.
This is satire, not an informational pamphlet put out by Res Life. If you are garnering your entire opinion on campus life or the happenings of PBA based on this blog, than perhaps a satirical blog is not what the campus needs, but rather a powerpoint describing how to be a critical reader, thinker, and consumer.
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