PBA combats economic downturn, begins firing entire staff

During a time of economic uncertainty, there are many industries feeling financial pressure. From banks and big businesses all the way down to the local paint store on your intramural field, Americans are feeling the squeeze. Luckily for the credit markets, the government has decided to give them a $700 billion bailout to help them weather the storm.

PBA, receiving no such assistance, has found relief in a plan to terminate 110% of its staff.

"God wants us to sacrifice it all, which means our staff has to go," said a PBA administrator.

PBA sent a SIFE student to Washington to lobby for an earmark to include PBA in some of that sweet cash, but they were unsuccessful.

With admission numbers down due to the economy, money has become even scarcer around PBA. Some students are starting to notice how PBA has begun to pinch pennies from limiting the amount of toilet paper students can use in the dorms to selling off certain dorms altogether. As these plans failed to make up for the deficit in PBA’s budget, the administration had to come up with a new plan.

"No staff equals no paychecks equals more savings equals money in the bank," said a school administrator. "Cha-ching!" she added while pumping her fist.

By getting rid of employees, PBA will not have to use any tuition dollars for things like lower- to middle-level employee salaries. They have decided to drop 20 jobs and see where it goes from there.

The first to go included Chantee Picard, Debbie Wrathe, Jingle Garrett, and Igor Manic. More are to come in the following weeks.

Upset at this decision, the Steering Committee was seen giving a standing ovation and doing the sprinkler dance all day on the Rinker Green. Though this market correction has been met with some initial pessimism, PBA staff is being told to think of the big picture.

"We will all have to make sacrifices," commented accounting professor Raymond Pumpernickel, "but I believe the university has a bright future ahead. With a brand new reading room underway and superdorm being planned, the few employees left will be grateful to see the end of the tunnel."