PBA disarms potential idea threats

Several weeks ago, administrators received an anonymous tip about a potential idea threat to the PBA campus. With the Idea Alert System already on code red, school officials were not willing to take any chances.

Idea-proof vests were immediately purchased for Safety and Security, faculty, and staff. The entire student body was also required to wear Bose 'idea-cancelling' headphones.

"We can't risk the safety of our students in the chance that a harmful idea were to ever penetrate school boundaries," said the spokesman for the newly coordinated Idea Committee. "Besides, what would parents and trustees think?"

Despite the hard work and planning (including screwing shut the back doors of all Towers suites), however, reports Friday showed that three masked African-American ideas were allegedly seen entering school property through a philosophy classroom. They were then spotted making their way over to the DeSantis Family chapel toward a large crowd of students.

Fortunately, Safety and Security, along with multiple school administrators, were already on the scene, waiting.

One of the masked ideas was first reported to have begun shouting the non-trinitarian doctrinal essays of Michael Servetus at an innocent freshman girl. A security officer, however, was able to leap through the air in front of the girl, all the while shouting, "Nooooooo," and absorb the entire onslaught into his left ear.

Another suspect suddenly pulled the pin on an idea grenade, launching it violently into a group of sophomore Physics majors. A school administrator immediately reacted, hurling his entire body over the potential disaster, embracing the full explosion of the scientific method.

The last suspect was apparently a nonviolent activist idea, and upon witnessing the chaos, sat Indian-style on the pavement and began singing Hebrew spirituals. He was soon tackled and apprehended.

The three ideas were adequately subdued, and are now in the custody of authorities. As for the security officer, he has reportedly been committed to a quarantined cell for sixteen weeks. The school administrator is recovering, though still in critical condition.

An administrator demonstrates how to effectively avoid multiple distasteful ideas at once.