Breaking news from the Beacon: Black Vultures are the Color Black

In their first publication of this semester The Beacon published a stunning article on the recently escalated vulture population around campus.

"I was walking out of Borbe and it struck me," said Casey Fermenter, "no seriously an eight foot black vulture flew into my face."

Fermenter detailed the patterns of the birds and interviewed several vulture experts and nearby office workers and reported their theories on the birds behaviors.

"Oh I see them very up close and personal," said Bonnie Crig. "They come right up on our ledge. They have nostrils I can see through and they are ugly as can be; but, they sure are interesting to look at," The Beacon quoted.

The Beacon also provided shocking Black Vulture Facts:

1. They are black
2. Frequently flaps while soaring
3. Dark gray head unfeathered and wrinkled
4. They are birds
5. Vultures eat food
6. Vultures have beaks

Their inspiration was historic.

In other news headlines in the school paper, The Beacon included the 2007 Fall graduation, which occurred well over a month ago.

"We considered writing a story about the resignations of both Ray Doerksen, Dean of the Library, and Ann Bracken, Communication professor," said a Beacon spokesman, "but we knew that a story about a big bird was far more important to the student body.

VIP Meeting Tonight, Administrators Enroll in Dance Course, with Emphasis on Spin

After being reminded that the V.I.P. meeting would be taking place today, administrators quickly enrolled in a modern dance class in Vera Lee Rinker Hall, with hopes of acquiring that special spin needed for the event.

The meeting will be a panel discussion in which administrators will respond to the questions and concerns raised by students.

"You can never have enough spin," said an administrator as Dr. Globa swung her through the air by her ankles. "We're actually trying to take as many questions as possible, without actually giving any answers. It's a competition. Whoever can say the most amount of words without answering the question wins."

The event will take place on Rinker Green at 5:30 this Monday evening.

"I'm concentrating on tap," said an administrator. "That way if I'm asked a difficult question, I'll be able to tap dance right over it, without anyone noticing.

Research Shows Students' Swift Pace on Rinker Green Not Related to Blood Drive

An in depth study conducted by senior researcher Ryan Straightda, shows that students' quickened foot speed through Rinker Green on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon was not related in any way to the blood drive taking place on campus.

The study analyzed the heightened stress levels experienced by PBA students during the third week of their Spring semester and noticed a strong correlation to the number of recently developed sinal allergies to jelly filled donuts and extra-large cotton t-shirts.

Straightda's report also tells of last week's overwhelming student "visits to tattoo parlors, trips to third world countries, and contact with contaminated blood," because students knew how busy this week would be.

"I would have given blood, sincerely," said 84 lb. Sophomore Aimie Effeldrone as she checked yes to Straightda's survey question #4, "Are you deathly afraid of needles?"

Straightda stood near Rinker Green all afternoon, and asked students about their swift walking.

"This is the best pizza party ever," answered Freshman Peter Bangs immediately before he was seized by the knees and dragged into the bus.

Copies of the research will be available in the commuter lounge.

MLK Challenge Confused with MILK Chug Challenge, Sustained Vomiting Ensues

In a tragic mishap monday morning, scores of PBA students mistakenly confused the mass e-mails from the Workship department regarding the “MLK Challenge” for the popularized MILK Chug Challenge.

The MLK project was intended to be a volunteer opportunity for students to reach out to the community by painting houses, picking up trash, and meeting the needs of inner city kids. But in a nightmarish turn of events, rather than community service, students were consumed by the PBA tradition of milk chugging.

After PBA banned the Milk Chug Challenge from campus, claiming that it involved "gluttony" and "lewd conduct," students were forced to hold the chugging elsewhere. Students were thrilled to discover that PBA was sponsoring the Milk Chug this year, and further that it coincided with Martin Luther King Day.

"I brought chocolate milk," smiled Aki Listerblaze, wheeling a 50 gallon red cooler across Rinker Green.

Dozens of students arrived gulping quart after quart of pale, warm milk, attempting to stomach an entire gallon within an hour. Holding gardening gloves and shovels, the Workship leaders avidly tried to convince the students that the MLK Challenge had nothing to do with milk.

But the students drank on.

While one group was roofing a WPB resident's house, freshman Edmund Porkswipe disgorged down the chimney.

“Once it started, there was no stopping it,” said Carlie Gawkmen, workship director, “whenever I see someone throwing up, I can’t help but spew.”

The grotesque sight induced a chain reaction of projectile milk vomiting.

“I had to throw my shoes away they stunk so bad,” sighed Sophomore Joy Besser.

In another part of the city, students visited a homeless shelter. The usually calm haven for the homeless turned into a chaotic scene of stomach wrenching mayhem, as students passed out gallons of whole milk.

"Greatest day of my life," commented a milk-moustached WPB homeless man, claiming to be Bill Cosby, "now I just need some cookies."

“I honestly thought it said ‘Milk’,” said a half-sedated Joe Laundromat “but the Milk chug was way fun anyway bro,” as chunky milk dripped down his chest from the half-gallon funnel he held over his head.

As a preventative measure, Campus Ministries has forbidden all abbreviations from event titles and display banners.

Rudy Giuliani Workship Project Targets Needy Community of Palm Beach Island

On Saturday afternoon, the Rudy Giuliani campaign sponsored a contest on Palm Beach Island. PBAU squared off against FAU to see which school was more Republican. The school that turned out more volunteers for the campaign event was given a lifetime supply of Rudy Giuliani picture mugs. Students were also given workship credit for the hours they volunteered.

"Workship is about giving to those who can't give back, and since the government hasn't really given us anything over the past years, they qualified under workship criteria," said the College Republican volunteer leader.

The students began arriving at 10 AM on Saturday morning, each displaying a 'tamper-proof biometric identification card' at the entrance check-point. Their names were entered into a 'single national database' to keep track of when they entered and exited the event.

Students immediately were put to work, building a 'high-tech' fence around the perimeter of the campaign tent, while a 'large, well trained border patrol' supervised the activities.

After the fence was built, student volunteers served roasted duck, sauteed vegetables, and twice baked potatoes to the needy Republicans of Palm Beach island. One unfortunate volunteer attempted to sneak a bite of apple crisp before dessert was served. He was deported into the intracoastal and had his ID badge vaporized.

"Today wasn't about myself, it was about the Republican dream," said Benjamin Fufkin. "Oh, and workship of course," he added as the College Republican workship leader elbowed him in the kidney.

Each student that volunteered was given the chance to touch the hair on Giuliani's left ankle, as he murmured about tax-cuts, pro-choice stance, and how they relate to his legacy as Mayor of New York City.

Happy Birthday Bacon

The Bacon turns one year old today. Thanks to all who have contributed in various ways. We could not have done it without all of you.

After 2000 Years Professors Finally Get It, 'Thanks Faculty Workshop'

While students were sleeping in, out for a jog, or relaxing on the beach this Friday afternoon, PBA's faithful professors were attending a workshop on 'How to teach in the 21st century.'

"Welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives," read the workshop instructor from her power point presentation. "Today we will be discussing, what exactly you need to do in order for this university to be accredited; excuse me; to provide the best education to your students."

Upon entering, professors were strongly encouraged to empty their pockets of any educational materials that might serve as a hindrance to teaching in the 21st century.

"What century did she say we were in?" asked Dr. Fred Sewbree as he dropped a quill pen into the amnesty depository. Meanwhile, administrators wrestled Dr. Fred Blacking to the ground in order to confiscate his Galilean telescope.

"It doesn't even have a curved lens," exclaimed an administrator as he adjusted his shirt.

The professors were then given 32 inch wooden baseball bats, with which to smash PBA's entire stock of overhead projectors to smithereens. The rubble was covered in gasoline and lit on fire, reinforced by 600 chalk boards as the professors danced around the flames with black boxes and advanced video projectors raised above their heads.

As the workshop went on, professors participated in a wide range of scholastic activities, including a tug-a-war competition, 90 foot climbing wall, and scavenger hunt.

Dr. Paul Copot refused to speak to his brother Dr. Victor Copot after Vic pulled his arms back during the trust fall, sending Paul careening towards the floor.

At the close of the workshop, professors exited and raced to their vehicles, eager to get home to write learning objectives for Tuesday's classes.




We at the Bacon would like to extend a hearty thanks to the professors for all you do for this institution, and for the day off.

PBA Finally Gives up on Re-sodding Intramural Field, Mud Wrestling Season Begins

After 35 consecutive years of no grass on PBA's intramural field, Campus Recreation has decided to halt the upcoming ultimate frisbee and soccer seasons, in order to kick off PBA's first ever mud wrestling team.

The cost to re-sod the field runs around $11-12,000, and in past years this process has taken place over Christmas break. Considering the fact that the intramural field is the only enclosed area on campus for students to recreate has led many to wonder what happened this year.

"Our initial efforts included several beautiful "NO CLEATS" signs to help with the re-sodding process," said a spokesman, "but they didn't grow as much grass as we had hoped."

One school official, Karl Crandle, insists that an invisible garden gremlin has been devouring all the new seed planted on the field.

"Invisible gremlin, no question about it," said Crandle.

After a sighting was reported to safety and security, funds were raised for tri-force delta night vision spectacles to investigate the matter. When no conclusive evidence was discovered, recreation staff decided to call the whole thing off.

"Why spend thousands of dollars on grass when we can get free mud?" said a campus recreation staffer. "I mean we're already 95 percent of the way there."

Try-outs for the mud wrestling team are set for next week, and the season will begin in February.

"Just look at our mud," said Coach Joseph Patshire as he lathered mud all over his arms and face. "We've got the biggest and the best mud facilities in the country."

Nothin' Like Bacon On Your Front Porch

The Bacon staff would like to extend a warm welcome to new readers. If you read about us in the Post, thanks for stopping in. We'd like you to know, we are very much pro-PBA, and simply hope to highlight things that we think are funny.

For those of you who don't know what we are talking about, check out this link...enjoy.

Palm Beach Post Article

Dr. Lovejoy Joins the Power Team

In an exciting afternoon lecture, Oceanography professor Dr. Lovejoypeacepatiencekindnessgoodnessfaithfulnessgentlenessandselfcontrol (Lovejoy for short) announced his return to the roughest and toughest group of Christian strong men, the Power Team.

“I love teaching science...but I’d much rather defy it,” said Lovejoy as he prepared to bench press a Chevy pick-up with Dr. and Mrs. Clark sitting in the front seats.

After suffering from shrapnel wounds at the battle of Gettysburg, Lovejoy was captured and held in a Confederate prison. It was then that he performed his first feat of strength as he bent the prison bars around his forehead and punched through a 4 foot thick brick wall, earning him the title of “Power Team.”

Lovejoy began traveling around the United States visiting schools and churches displaying the “world’s greatest exhibition of power, strength, speed, inspiration and motivation” while sharing the gospel.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!” cried Lovejoy as he took the Bacon reporters’ microphone and bit it clean through. He then proceeded to rip 11 inch stacks of Evolution research papers.

Lovejoy transitioned to teaching science in the 1920’s. The Power Team continued on, however they required a 20+ member squad to equal the feats of Lovejoy.

While teaching, Lovejoy began to integrate his muscular strength into scientific demonstrations. He once pressurized a lump of carbon into a 20 carat diamond with his bare hands. On another occasion, while standing barefoot on a bed of nails, Lovejoy shattered several classifications of crystallized granite slabs over each thigh, to display different levels of hardness.

Lovejoy has also put his strength to work for PBA. The old library and theatre didn’t stand a chance against the onslaught of Lovejoy’s forearms as he pulverized every standing wall and iron structure. He then piled the remaining rubble into a refrigerator and hoisted it onto his back.

With the Power Team visiting West Palm Beach, Lovejoy will be rejoining the action and leading the surge of intensity throughout Village Baptist Church.

Despite veteran status, Lovejoy has maintained his reputation. “I’m intimidated by him,” claimed Bruiser Jennings, the current Team captain, “I’ve seen him punch through 21 fiery cement blocks without even wearing a jump-suit.”

The iron pumping, brick breaking, crowd pleasing power lifter Dr. Lovejoy will be performing from January 23rd to the 27th , changing the world, one brick at a time.

Students Find the Lord's Will, On New Athletic Fields

After hearing rumors that the Lord's will had been hanging out near PBA's recently purchased athletic fields, several students with undeclared majors set out in attempts of discovering the Lord's will and their future.

Before departing on their quest, the students read aloud from Jeremiah 29 and the collected poems of Rick Warren.

"We wanted to be well prepared for the Lord's will," said freshman Norman Brisseltips.

Upon arriving at the fields, the students listened intently, but heard nothing but the sounds of interstate traffic and passing jet engines. They persisted to look, and eventually noticed a rustling behind a four foot boulder.

"Jackpot," said sophomore Bonnie Fastburn as she proceeded to drag the Lord's will out from behind the boulder.

The recently purchased property, located near Belvedere and Parker, was purchased by the government for $78 trillion, almost 50 years ago, and was sold to PBA for 38 cents and a bag of marbles, despite hefty offers from other companies.

"Take that Donald Trump," said the school president in boxing stance.

"Before the foundations of the earth, God orchestrated this purchase," he added.

An ancient Hebrew text, recently discovered by PBA's very own Dr. Nathan Street, shows that before the cosmos was created, the new athletic fields were created.

"How else do you explain such a huge discount?" said the president as a passenger jet roared eight feet above his head, drowning out the rest of his sentence.

After finding the Lord's will, all seven students have declared business majors.

Library Dean Resigning, PBA Seeks Professional Party Planner as Replacement

In a shocking statement, Library Dean J. Ray Doerksen recently announced that he is resigning from his position as head of the library. With the Club Warren only halfway into completion, the loss of yet another dean is bringing many to question just what is going on behind the scenes.

"Ray just wasn't fun enough for us," said a campus spokesmen. "He got all huffy about us closing the library to students early in the afternoon so we could throw a party..boring! Get this: I hear, the guy even liked to read. Ha!"

He noted that the philosophies of a library just didn't measure up to that of the administration, and the differences were irreconcilable.

"We don't need any of these stuffy PhD types coming to our school and bringing their love of learning and bibliophilism with them, we just don't," said the spokesman.

With the empty space, PBA is reconsidering the candidate they will seek to replace him. In closed door meetings last week, administrators decided to hire a professional party planner to take on the task of head librarian.

"Sure, our library Christmas bash was great," said a member of the president's staff as she tossed 200 unread student comment cards from the library into a bonfire. "But with these quiet intellectuals out of our hair, just imagine what we can do now!"

So far, applications have been pouring in from entertainment and party planning firms around the country. The events calendar has been filling up with festivities, said a campus spokesman.

"Christival is right around the corner. And we need a real professional here so the worship band can sound great the entire week," he said, looking at the ceiling of the library. "The acoustics in this building should be just right."

A video was forwarded by the administration to the entire campus community to show how much fun libraries can be.

"Look at how much fun these students are having," read the e-mail. "When we see students reading, they are always frowning, and that makes us frown. With all this frowning going around, action had to be taken."

Let the party begin.

Hollywood Comes to PBA

Rumor has it that film and TV actor legend Judge Reinhold will be on campus to lead acting workshops and will be speaking in chapel in late January.

For the old timer's he's the guy from Fast Times at Ridgemont High ...a classic 80s indie flick. He also starred opposite of Eddie Murphy in the Beverly Hills Cop Trilogy.

Gen Y's know him as "Neil" from Tim Allen's The Santa Claus. He was the guy who wanted a weenie-whistle for Christmas. We remember him from Jay and Silent Bob's infamous movie, Clerks. Rock on.

Another Chuck Norris hoax? Nope. Sources say this one's for real. The fabled Chuck won't be there, but the Bacon will be. This might just be worth checking out.

He will have a Safety and Security escort and will not be allowed anywhere near the Towers swimming pool.

We know there isn't much satirical material in this post; we just thought it was totally tubular.

School of Communication adds clause to faculty faith contract: Belief in Christ, Regent University background now required. No exceptions.

The School of Communication and Media announced today that all non-Regent University faculty and staff are required to pack their things and leave before next semester to make way for a new class of professors from the Virginia school.

"I figured it would be best to get this done before my time as interim dean is over," said Duane Humbles, who has served as dean since Dr. Joseph Webb left to join the faculty at Gardner Webb University. "Unless of course...you don't think...I could one day be permanent dean!"

The school made the announcement just after graduation. Initially, all professors must sign a statement of faith saying that they believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, among other theological principles.

Effective immediately, all faculty candidates are required to have served on the faculty of Regent University and watch The 700 Club at least three times per week. The televisions in the school will all be permanently set to the Christian Broadcasting Network. (Which will be problematic since they are the only school without a building.)

"We have been doing this subtly over the past few years, dropping a non-Regent guy here, hiring a drove of Regent people there," said Humbles. "But then we figured, hey what the heck, it's already obvious, we may as well just put it out in the open."

So far, Humbles has successfully driven away Joseph Webb, Deborah McEniry, the theatre director of more than ten years; the entire journalism program and Ann Bracken among others.

Piggybacking on the deal whereby PBA would trade old professors from Regent with fresh grad students from PBA, the School of Communication will also accept technical equipment in place of teachers.

"What's a creative mind, when you've got one of these babies!?" he said, holding up a pair of $30,000 stage lights. "They last a lot longer, and let me tell you, they don't have mouths so they can't voice concerns or complain."

When asked to comment, Pat Robertson declined, mumbling something about endorsing Hugo Chavez for president and going to South America to nab that pesky Venezuelan, Rudy Giuliani.

Pat Robertson, congratulating future PBA faculty at Regent graduation