PBA refuses to renew contract with smoker's wall

After 39 years of ambivalent relations with smoker's wall, PBA officials have decided to withhold its contract for the upcoming 2008 fall semester.

"It has worked for everything else we wanted to get rid of," said a vice president during a game of Risk with other administrators.

On Wednesday, Mike Weavis, Dean of Students, sent an email to PBA employees expressing concern over "the behavior at the smoker's wall," asking "in a confidential manner," whether it should be moved to another place on campus or removed altogether. After a three minute meeting that evening however, officials reached their conclusion.

"We could have offered a short two or three year contract," said Weavis, "but it was just easier this way." Besides, we definitely don't want that thing getting tenure or anything."

With bulldozers ready, officials gave smoker's wall a first and only chance.

"Sign the statement of faith document and prove that you have graduated from Regent University in the past 18 minutes or leave," said the administrators.

Being an inanimate object, it could not sign, nor could it attend college, still smoker's wall had no choice but to look for another home.

"I had great relationships here," said smoker's wall as it nestled against a fresh cigarette butt. "It's a shame that PBA doesn't see that."

Fortunately, Gardner Webb has agreed to take the wall, designating a spot for it outside the numerous former PBA professors' offices. It will be used as the center piece in a snow-tipped eucalyptus garden.

Unfortunately, smoker's wall is not the only thing being pushed away from PBA.

Already witnessing the resignation of Anne Brackin, the School of Communication and Media will soon be experiencing the departure of two more professors.

Among those is Denise McGilldertron, one of three journalism professors at PBA. To make up for her absence, PBA has allocated several college algebra professors to teach the photo journalism classes.

"Calculator, newspaper; potato, potato," said Duane Humbles as he ripped the journalism page from the PBA catalog.

As news of smoker's wall spreads, several other structures around campus begin to wonder about their future.

The old library was found to be discussing views contrary to those held by the school of Ministry. PBA had no choice but to condemn the building.

The tree in front of Weyenburg was warned that if it did not clean up the mess of berries left in the parking lot, it was next.

PBA goes too green, cuts all campus electricity

Early Tuesday morning, flashes of green began to fill the campus as SIFE (Students in Free Enterprise) prepared for the greatest display of planet saving in the history of PBA.  The purpose of their event was to advertise the proposal of a 'Green Roof.' 

"We don't really know what it is, but we are certain that it is very green," said a member of SIFE. 

A green roof is composed of indigenous plant life, positioned on a roof to soak up all heat from the sun, thereby reducing the temperatures of buildings. The hope is for PBA to commit to the installation of green roofs on all future construction projects. 

Although the cost of construction would be higher, the long term goal would be to save money due to lower electricity costs; and of course, to be more environmentally friendly. 

Throughout the event, SIFE stressed the importance of the color green to the inner workings of environmental stewardship. 

Three students were caught trying to pick up trash without green shirts on. They were immediately apprehended with hand woven ficus straps and were forced to swallow four gallons of soy milk through a funnel. 

"How do they expect to save the planet without a single bit of green in their clothing," said a SIFE representative. 

Enraptured by the spirit of the festivities, schools officials opted to go completely green, cutting out all campus electricity for an entire day.

"Forget energy conservation, just turn it all off," said an administrator as he hacksawed every cable in PBA's circuit breaker. 

Administrators then proceeded to paint their entire bodies green and began hoisting PBA trustee John Greene into the air repeatedly. 

Sodexho added the green icing to the cake with an evening barbecue, providing styrofoam plates and plastic utensils to students; all of which was tossed into a roaring bonfire on Rinker Green to conclude the celebration.    

PBA cracks down on student drug use, suspends entire campus

In the wake of multiple disciplinary incidents regarding student drug use, PBA introduced an official crack down policy. Instead of trying to weed out all potential drug users, PBA has decided to simply suspend the entire student body indefinately.

The new campus policy, entitled 'Drug-b-gone,' will suspend the entire campus immediately until further notice, ensuring absolute no current or future student drug use. 

"With no student body, we won't have to worry about any students smoking drugs," said a spokesman for student accountability as he rounded up students with a lasso. 

The plan began after one student allegedly tipped off Student Accountability to the possibility of mass campus drug use. 

"I eat 'Matthew 18 Raisin Flakes' for breakfast," said TJ Horace as he played numerous secretly tape recorded confessions of his roommates for school officials. 

With many drug related incidents taking place recently, PBA officials simply applied past examples to their current quandary.  

"Suspending students is the first line of defense agaist future drug use," said Derrick Powdersilk.  "Once off campus, it will be twice as hard for students to get a hold of drugs, so they will have no choice but to abstain from drugs forever. 

The policy of suspending vast quantities of students however, has led many to question how much good is actually being done. 

Nevertheless, PBA officials continue to drive students off of school property in droves. 

Missions trip holds fundraiser someplace other than Chick-Fil-A

In a shocking and mystifying display, Team Ethiopia announced plans to break the 2 year tradition of holding every single possible missions fundraiser at Chick-Fil-A. Instead the team has decided to give KFC a shot.

"They don't even serve milkshakes," said junior Jack Foster, who hasn't missed a Tuesday night fundraiser since freshman year. "And I heard that KFC tortures innocent wheat stalks before killing them to make their bread."

The management team at Chick-Fil was also perplexed by the decision.

"We thought everyone understood that the slogan, 'Eat More Chikin,' really meant eat more of OUR chicken," said Rob Baker, manager of the Chick-Fil-A on Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard. "Apparently not."

Baker has proposed a nine week series on the history of Chick-Fil-A for every PBA business class held the rest of this semester.

"Who needs Microeconomics, when we could have Truett Cathy?" said a business professor in response to Baker's plan.

Attempting to sway them otherwise, Chick-Fil-A has also offered to donate 10,000 free meal coupons and 13 trillion stuffed animal cows to the Ethiopia missions trip.

"Don't those people think these things are holy or something?" said Baker.

In addition to the KFC fundraiser, 26 other missions teams will be holding an open mic coffee house/bake sale at Chick-Fil-A this week.

Blackberry outage hits South Florida, school president admitted to rehab

For the last week the nation has experienced widespread outages of Blackberry cellphones. When the outages stretched as far as South Florida, the tragedy was all too great for the PBA president. 

The problem all started late Sunday evening, as the school president was unable to text The Bacon a last minute idea for a story, due to outages. When the errors persisted well into the next morning, sources say the president began heaving desk chairs out the windows of Sach's Hall. 

"After he hurled his entire office onto Flager Drive, we convinced him to seek professional help," said one of the seventeen presidential secretaries. 

"Why?" whispered the president to the screen of his malfunctioning Blackberry at his bedside.

He has been seen talking to himself on the lawn of the rehab compound, all the while thrusting his fingers fiercely through air.  

Despite not having sent a text message in two full days, specialists say the president is making excellent progress, picking up an iphone Tuesday afternoon. They hope that he will be able to return to campus within a couple of weeks. 

In all seriousness, Blackberry outages have made national news. Check it out for yourself: 

Time Magazine Article

Prospective students visit campus, PBA constructs 80 foot curtain to hide smokers' wall, art building

As  200 potential students and family members began to arrive for PBA's Open House, school officials toiled frantically to have the campus in ship shape. During their preparation however, two locations on campus stood out like a sore thumb in the minds of administrators. 

"It's just sitting there for everyone to see," said a school official as she peered at smokers' wall from behind a light pole across the street. "Can they see me?"

With the Open House beginning Sunday afternoon, something had to be done. 

"Why not use the curtains from the theater department, they don't need them anymore," said an administrator during an emergency open house committee meeting. 

National began working around the clock and by 4:30 Sunday afternoon, two 80' curtains completely encompassed both smokers' wall and the condemned art building. 

"This way, no one will have to see them," commented an admissions tour guide as he practiced his lines, just in case someone asked to see the art facilities. 

During open house, interested students and their families explore the many opportunities and attractions of PBA, and ultimately decide whether or not they wish to attend next fall. 

To provide a realistic picture of what PBA is like, prospective students will be taken on nonstop tours of the Warren Library. They will be staying in Johnson waterfront dormitories and Sodhexo will be serving chicken cordon blue, roasted lamb, and peking duck for the next three days.  The visitors will also be attending Monday's chapel service. 

"Everything has to be perfect, or else," said an administrator. 

Campus Pastor, Bernie Queto was warned that his Nacho Libre costume would be ripped to shreds if he thought for even a second about preaching past 11:50.   

From the looks of things, potential students and parents have very much enjoyed their first evening at PBA. 

"I'm coming just for the flags," said a future student about the gigantic banners on the Rinker Green. 

On behalf of The Bacon, we welcome all family and friends of the future alumni of PBA. 

'Bolivia Extravaganza' to host silent date auction, IJM protests

Determined and unwavering, PBA's International Justice Mission marches outside of the University building, barring anyone from entering the silent date auction that is scheduled to take place this evening.

"Touching lives, one bid at a time," read Bolivia missions team t-shirts.

The group will be traveling to Santa Cruz, Bolivia this summer and organized the auction in effort to raise support.

"The auction will be done in typical silent auction fashion, " stated an e-mail that was sent to the entire campus community on behalf of the missions team.

On the block however, will not be chocolate-chip cookies, baseball tickets, nor Chick-Fil-A meal coupons, but rather students.

"Starting bids will range from $5-10," continued the e-mail, "please bring cash."

Eager freshman boys began emptying their bank accounts immediately with hopes of purchasing their dream date.

On the other hand, appalled to read about a human auction taking place on campus, all three members of IJM huddled around an uncut version of Hotel Rwanda, and vowed to end all injustice by six o'clock tomorrow morning.

Thus the protesting began.

"How can they sleep at night," said Codey Sleddin, as he licked the stamp for a letter addressed to his congressman.

Meanwhile, other members of IJM attempted to pickpocket all potential bidders lined up outside of the event venue.

The auction is scheduled to take place at eight o'clock this evening, granted IJM does not set the building on fire.

Dr. St. Antoine, is he really a saint? Newman Club investigates

After teaching at PBA for nine years, a debate has begun over the canonization of Dr. Tom St. Antoine. Although never making the claim himself,  St. Antoine remains in the crossfire of the heated question: Is he really a Saint? 

Skeptics claim that St. Antoine has yet to perform a miracle, and therefore does not qualify for sainthood. Others disagree. 

13 Communications majors credit their passing grades in Rhetoric as reason alone for a miracle.  

Junior Audrey Mounds claimed that his yellow pants gave her the best sun tan of her life and sophomore Aaron Gorp testified that St. Antoine's lecture on public address healed him of indigestion. 

"I ate so much cheese that day, I couldn't even burp," said Gorp. 

The Newman Club has conducted a thorough investigation of the matter, however has not reached a conclusion, claiming they are undecided about whether or not St. Antoine has yet passed away, which is another requirement for sainthood. 

Until their verdict is released, the chapel has been roped off for specific Antoinian sainthood dialog. 

For the time being, Dr. St. Antoine will be escorted by five Safety and Security officers around the clock. 

Valentine's Day approaches, freshman advertises himself on PBA classifieds

When Residence Life announced that the first annual Valentine's Day dance was cancelled, many students were disappointed. None more so however, than freshman Daniel Goonchild.

"I had a ring and everything," sneezed Goonchild, who hasn't dated since coming to PBA.

After hearing about the dance, he purchased a suit and learned the moonwalk.

"It was in the bag," he said as he adjusted his binoculars to the Johnson tanning deck.

 With Valentine's Day only a day away, time is running out for Goonchild to find true love. Fortunately, he is not alone. 

In a 36 page special edition Valentine's Day publication, the Beacon reminded students that many face the 'predicament' of being single on Valentine's Day and encouraged those readers to look on the bright side. 

After reading the article however, many students noticed the testimonials of two happily engaged couples on the next page, utterly dampening their dreams of spending February 14th alone in a dark corner of a dorm room, counting all the money saved by not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. 

For Goonchild, enough was enough. 

Determined to find a date for the Spring Formal, he has begun skateboarding and strumming a guitar outside the Baxter dormitory entrance. He has also taken an interest in playing piano. Some speculate that this has everything to do with the piano in the Johnson lobby, but Goonchild insists that it is for art's sake.

Either way, Goonchild is on the prowl, and if you can't find him near Baxter or Johnson, check the third floor of the Warren Library, because chances are he's been staring at you for the past hour.

Look out ladies! Good luck Daniel.

Student discovers cockroach in muffin, Sodexho blames great taste

On Sunday afternoon, freshman Vanessa Esperantes entered Jazzman's cafe for a blueberry muffin. However, she got a little more than she swiped for. On her third bite into the pastry, Esperantes crunched through the exoskeleton of a juicy, one and a half inch, brown cockroach.

When asked to comment, Sodexho attributed great taste as the source of the incident.

"We can't help that small insects enjoy our baked goods," said a Sodexho spokesman, "doesn't everybody?"

After biting through the vermin, Esperantes shared the pastry with two friends, who both attested to the foul taste. Esperantes then returned the muffin to Sodexho employees, who offered to provide her with another selection. She refused.

"Do they expect us to check every scone?" said a Sodexho chef while brushing her hair over a boiling cauldron of sloppy-joes.

The cockroach incident has led many to question the inner workings of the Sodexho food service.

After a thorough inspection by PBA's 'Safety Watch and Warn Team,' several issues were brought to light. Forks were mysteriously bypassing the dishwashing cycle and blue cups were being dipped into dirt piles before being returned to their racks.

Despite the fact that matters have been attended to, many students are still skeptical.

"If I was a cockroach, I'd eat the cupcakes," said Stanley Ipskin, a regular at the caf. "I love cupcakes."

Campus celebrates Lent, PBA Central gives up Spider Solitaire, Duke Nukem

As Lent begins, many in the PBA Community enter into a time of fasting and preparation Easter.

To remember the season, PBA Central has chosen to give up Spider Solitaire and Duke Nukem during work hours.

For the next 40 days, PBA Central computers will be free of 13 card sequence and 3-D shooting games.

"We want to start things off right," said Josh Foot on Wednesday, as he poured ash into the office filing cabinets and desk drawers filled with student transcripts.

"I don't even want to think about gravity guns," he added, "and trust me, around here there is a lot of time to think."

Many students are eager to turn in forms and documents to a more focused and efficient PBA Central. However, some sources feel that the absence of virtual aggression may turn physical.

Staff Sullivan has already constructed a real life laser shrink ray device and electrolyzed an entire shelf of NCAA eligibility forms.

Other groups around campus have chosen also to sacrifice certain aspects of everyday life.

Safety and Security officers gave up Jazzman's Smoothies.

The Basketball team gave up winning.

Student Development gave up empire building.

The Newman Club gave up Catholicism.

The Theater department gave up their theater.

The school president gave up text messaging........ on Tuesdays and Saturdays from seven a.m. through two p.m.

Now two days into Lent, some PBA Central workers begin to feel the extent of their sacrifice.

"My fingers are getting antsy," said William Oldman while closing his eyes, cradling an invisible rocket launcher to his bow-tie.

Whatever the effects, the valiant efforts of PBA Central are to be commended.

New book sweeps Christian community

I Kissed My Purpose Driven Jabez Goodbye will go on sale today in the PBA bookstore. The first one hundred customers will also receive a Purpose Driven Nalgene water bottle.

PBA Theatre-goers to enjoy 'Man of La Mancha,' curly fries

After several weeks of preparation for their upcoming performance, the theatre department was informed Friday evening that due to scheduling conflicts with TNL, leadership luncheon, and a small Res. Life meeting, "Man of La Mancha" would be relocated from upstairs Weyenburg to the Common Ground cafe.

"Common Ground will not only provide more space for our actors to move around, but also a greater repertoire for students' resumes," said a campus official, picking up a sword from the prop table.

After performing at off-campus sites for the past three semesters, the department was beginning to enjoy having a location within site of their old facilities. Student Development and Residence Life however, saw the theatre department's presence as a threat.

"We don't want our building to be demolished," said a Student Development staffer who works in upstairs Weyenburg. "We just can't afford waiting 65 years for new offices and a portable by Dixie Highway."

After hearing the news, students began breaking down sets, lights, and props and loaded them into the 15 passenger theatre building.

"We were just so absolutely positively 100 percent excited about performing in Weyenburg," said finger puppets dressed as theatre professors to PBA news cameras.

The theatre department spent all weekend travelling around campus looking for a place to perform, but to no avail.

Dr. Tye Lefter barred the doors of Vera Lea Rinker Hall with three tubas and an eight foot xylophone. Pharmacy professors barracaded themselves behind gurneys while catapulting subscriptions of Zoloft at the intruders.

"We just had this place built," said a pharmacy professor. "If they see theatre students frolicking around here, they'll turn us into a conference room."

Hearing the chaos, school administrators decided that common ground would be the best alternatiive.

"It's only a temporary resolution, until we can find room for a theatre building in our 30 year plan," said the official as he sliced a 'C' in the back of Dr. Marge-Drummond's suit jacket.

Common Ground will be serving a philly cheese steak and churro special combo during the performance.

Editors note: It's sad that we have to preface this, but the theatre department is not actually performing in Common Ground. We are just making a joke about the fact that the theatre department is performing in Weyenburg, with no building plan in sight. This is for the 'get your facts staight' guy/gal.

School Newspaper Finally Recognizes Our Existence

Dear Erin Brown and Beacon Staff,

To begin, let me say that I appreciate your consideration and time spent writing the article. Your kind words regarding the delight that you experienced in “discovering a new entertainment source” are flattering. You named some of the greatest satirists of all time in an article about our work. That by itself was a genuine compliment, enough to send us all dancing and giving high fives around our undisclosed Bacon office in Towers Room 401. I do however hope to rebut the subtle swipes that you made on the integrity of both the Bacon’s intentions and purpose.

First, you state that “the Bacon is a forum for venting.” Our intentions are not merely to vent frustrations, because truthfully, anyone can do that, and the Bacon would not be worthy of a Beacon editor’s opinion if it were only that. The Bacon is hopefully unique in the fact that it does not resort only to angered responses, but displays campus issues in a way that promotes discussion. Of course, we also write for the sake of humor. I seriously doubt that detailing Dr. Lovejoy pulverizing flaming bricks with the Power Team is an avenue for venting.

You claim that “there is nothing being debated” on our site. If this is your sincere opinion, I will invite you to re-read our articles, and see that the variety of responses do debate important issues.

Secondly, you claim that “the Bacon does not publish real news.” This statement is not entirely accurate, for we attempt to base all of our articles on a factual foundation, allowing satire to bring issues to light in a humorous way. When we find it necessary, we will cover an issue simply the way it is.

For example, we know that students did not find the Lord’s will behind an abandoned field beside the airport. However, Dr. Clark did say that before the foundations of the Earth, God predestined that field to be ours. Also, we know that the entire Honors program did not join the ROTC. Nevertheless, we do know that there is considerable frustration among the Honors program community regarding scholarship funding.

Your article mentions the quote from the Palm Beach Post saying that the Beacon is often times considered a “mouthpiece for the administration,” and I must confess that I did in fact use those words in our interview with Kimberly Miller. With more sincere thought I have realized that to blanket the Beacon with a statement of that proportion would discredit the work of many students as petty and uncreative, and we by no means intend to do that.

Responding to that thought, you mention that your “purpose is to defend the Beacon’s attempt at journalistic integrity. If you don’t mind me asking:

Where was the Beacon when the editor in chief position was removed?

Where was the Beacon when they took you off the Internet?

Where was the Beacon when the ROTC program was introduced without the consent of the faculty?

Where was the Beacon when student government was bribed to remove the Professor of the Year Award’s name?

Where was the Beacon when PBA not only held an orchestra concert in the Library shortly before finals, but also shut it down to students for a faculty party the next day?

Where was the Beacon when the Dean of the Library resigned?

Where is the Beacon now that our theatre department is performing in upstairs Weyenburg?

It forces us to ask why the Beacon flees from such crucial university issues.

You question why students would consider the Bacon the only forum for debate on issues that might be considered “un-Christian.” I can’t speak for the un-Christian material, but I think the reason is ultimately behind the fact that the Beacon has remained silent on the reality of many important issues and events.

It is widely believed that the Beacon caters to the official line of the university. We would like to think that giving a positive spin to virtually every issue is not your writer’s true intention.

Perhaps the heart of the matter is that you have no choice.

We know that at times, your hands are tied. You don’t have a student Editor-in-chief, you are almost fully funded by the school, your publisher is the Dean of the School of Communication and Media and your Executive Editor is a paid member of the faculty.

We sympathize.

We do not discredit the hard work that student writers and editors contribute to the weekly newspaper. Once you begin to really cover the issues that are discussed in the dorm common areas and the cafeteria will students begin to take the paper more seriously.

Sincerely,
The Big Elephant in the Room