Special guest chapel: Sawtooth grey wolves debate Calvinism, Arminianism

The Canons of Dordt sound triumphantly in the distance and fresh tulips embolden Rinker Green, as students and faculty anticipate today's debate. Sharpen your fangs folks. 

In all truth, Dr. Paul Copan will be giving the above mentioned talk. Meanwhile Jim and Jamie Dutcher will be giving a talk about their six years of life lived amongst grey wolves and the cinematography that developed. 

Departmental budget cuts just in time for March Madness

For many PBA department heads, the college basketball selection show this Sunday is not the only thing they will be crossing their fingers for. 

As the end of the semester approaches PBA departments and clubs prepare to give the year's financial report, each hoping to avoid being selected for the annual budget cuts sweepstakes. 

"Every penny not spent is a dollar we can cut," said the academic provost. "If they don't use it, then they obviously don't need it."

The objective is to minimize unnecessary budgeting, but what seems to take place is merely the removal of all funds not spent in a given year, thereby defeating any department incentive to save money. 

Easy solution, spend every possible dollar, whether necessary or not.

For the School of Education and Behavioral Studies, not only is their budget being threatened, but also their computer lab in downstairs Borbe, granted they do not prove its necessity. 

"All they need is poster boards and velcro anyways right?" asked an administrative financial advisor, as he measured the room for a conference table. 

The elementary art students were therefore required to construct life size mannequins to occupy the lab 24 hours a day. One student earned a C on the assignment when she created an angry faced mannequin, however it was still needed to fill the administrative quota of room occupants.  

Other school organizations are battling as well. 

Residence Life will already see less money for each dormitory's budget next year. 

Student Activities put forth a valiant effort to avoid a budget cut, purchasing 500 million frisbees, 83,000 derby hats, 461 kazoos, 978 miles of construction paper, and enough trick yo-yo's to fill the commuter lounge, top to bottom, 23 times.

The winners of the budget cuts sweepstakes will be announced later this month. Good luck to all.  

Desantis Chapel hunchback reprimanded for late bell ringing

Over the last semester students and faculty have grown accustomed to the untimely, if not random, tolls of the chapel bells. Recently however, the bells have begun sounding 40 minutes late, forcing authorities to call a mandatory meeting with the Desantis bell ringer, a hunchback by the name of Greg. 

It all began when a female student claimed sanctuary from Health and Wellness, after single-handedly devouring a four pound meatloaf. While there she gave birth to a son, whom she dedicated to the work of ringing bells in the PBA chapel tower. 

Since that time, relations between chapel staff and the hunchback have been cordial, and administrators have made extra effort to assure Greg's happiness. 

When he grew lonely, officials had six biblical gargoyles cast to offer companionship. Greg took a particular liking to Abraham and they have often been heard chatting at all hours of the night. 

"He has always been an asset to life at PBA, but his performance as of late is unacceptable," said an administrator. "I was late to racquetball." 

Officials called a meeting in the library board room late Sunday to manage the situation before classes resumed on Monday. 

Greg was heard sobbing from the rafters of the library after being scolded in front of everyone during the meeting. 

"He's got a lot on his shoulders," said a sympathetic administrator following the meeting. 

Thankfully, Greg has returned to the chapel tower and plans to continue attending Thursday's traditional service. He has promised to resume bell ringing responsibilities at 8 a.m. Monday morning, however time can only tell whether he will be at his peak.