Soulforce is coming to PBA

On October 12-13, Soulforce will be visiting PBA during one stop on their 2008 "Equality Ride."

"Soulforce is a GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) activist group that seeks to bring about "freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance."

On September 17, PBA sent out letters to both Soulforce and the campus community , expressing their sincere intentions for dealing with Soulforce's request to visit campus.

Now, we would like to open up a forum to you, the loyal Bacon reader, to give your serious thoughts on how PBA should respond to Soulforce's intent on visiting campus.

President Clark resigning at end of school year

President David Clark is resigning at the end of the 2008-9 Academic school year.

A statement from Dr. Clark:

We are all familiar with verse 1 of Ecclesiastes 3 which states, “For everything there is a season.”  That applies to many aspects of our lives including our professional lives.  In the past year, Lois and I have been contemplating our “season” at Palm Beach Atlantic University.  Late last year, after much discussion and prayer, we determined that our time at PBA was coming to a close.  As we reflected and prayed about this transition, we reached the firm decision that we needed to announce our desire to formally end our time of service to the University and move on to the next season of our lives. 

After conferring with Chairman John Greene and Vice Chairman Scott Hawkins early this year, we agreed that the ideal time to make this decision known would be the September meeting of the Board of Trustees.  It is my desire to formally conclude my service to the University by the end of June.   This will provide ample opportunity to identify and install a new president.  I will do everything in my power to promote a seamless transfer of the leadership.   Chairman Greene has already been at work to begin the search process which he will share with you today.  Until a new leader is in place, I assure you that I will continue to vigorously carry on the many duties of leading the University.  We have made wonderful progress together in the past 5 years in moving PBA forward as an outstanding Christian university.  I am confident that God’s blessing will continue to guide and provide for the development of PBA in the future.

It has been a distinct honor to serve the PBA community. This season of service to the students, faculty, staff, trustees and friends of the university has been by far the most fulfilling, and at times, the most challenging of our lives.  Lois and I have come to know and love so many here at PBA.  We will miss so much about this wonderful university and Florida (except the hurricane season).

We have a home in Fort Worth, Texas and all our children and grandchildren are now in Texas.  Naturally, we are looking forward to time with them and returning to our beloved Eagle Mountain Lake.   We will leave with the sweet assurance of God’s leading in the same way that we came to PBA.  We move confidently into a future with God’s promise from Jer. 29:11, “I know the plans I have for you, plans for good.”  May God bless you Trustees and may God continue to bless Palm Beach Atlantic University.

Learn how to overcome forgiveness at PBA

The next time you feel like forgiving someone close to you, think first. We are here to help.

Wazoo Weekend devastates PBA campus, reports Beacon

Palm Beach Atlantic students are just now starting to recover from the devastation wrought by the activities of Wazoo Weekend.

The event, which made landfall on August 29, caused a great deal of damage – estimated at $100 million – to the campus before leaving late on September 1. Authorities approximate several hundred students lost their homes and even more were without power due to the disaster.

“Hurricane Ike looks like a puddle in comparison with the storm of activity that Wazoo Weekend brought to the Palm Beach Atlantic University campus,” reported Beacon contributing writer Danielle Happysen. [See article.]

Many students who refused to evacuate before the event were caught in the direct hit of the jumping, jiving, and jousting. FEMA and the American Red Cross have been assisting survivors for the past two weeks.

“I can’t say for sure whether Palm Beach Atlantic will be able to recover from Wazoo Weekend in the near future,” said FEMA Head R. David Paulison. “Reconstruction efforts may take upwards of ten years, with luck.”

Note: We do not mean to belittle the damage done by Hurricane Ike. Our hearts and prayers go out to those affected by the storm.

'The Beacon' is back online

The Bacon is glad to see that our older, better funded step-brother, the Beacon is back online.

Here's our favorite part. Below "Contact the Beacon," it reads:

"Please send 'Letters to the Editor' to Hannah Mitchell, wavecraver911@yahoo.com."

Thanks for being professional, big bro.

PBA opens new parking lot: Lake by the Chapel

With the number of students increasing at PBA and the parking situation not getting any better, some students have found a unique way to beat the traffic.

"The chapel by the lake used to be the last resort", said a frustrated and moist senior Albert Ruckus. "Now the only way to park is to create your own spot anywhere you can".

Since PBA began charging commuters to park in the garage during the day, students have found it more financially sound to pay for water damage and a crane to get their car out, than hand over the cash for a few hours in the garage.

"I just went over the edge and parked in the water," said Ruckus, "and people followed suit."

With more and more students realizing their efforts to find a spot on land is futile; the idea is becoming more and more popular. Even the landscapers are having to double park just to get their work done.

Luckily PBA has found a solution to the problem. A new phosphorescent light red sticker will be available Thursday at 4:27 a.m. for all students to purchase for $300 who wish to park in the new "Lake by the Chapel" lot.

PBA Security has already purchased scuba suits and amphibious golf carts to adequately monitor the new parking area.

'Last Admission Staff Standing' receives rave reviews

Piggybacking the rising popularity of American reality television, PBA has released for purchase the first season of the popular campus television series, 'Last Admission Staff Standing.'

The show details the lives of nine staff members in the PBA admissions department, specifically their fight for survival and for their jobs.

The contestants for this season were: Cathy Dekodak, Gem Hennigan, Doe James, Shaft Bryan, Lonnie Justiceson, Regina Madison, Will Oldman, James Skooltz, and Staff Sullivan.

Unlike most reality shows however, 'LASS' does not feature any immunity whatsoever for those who perform well in daily tasks and competitions.

"We wanted the show to be all about surprise," said Margaret Argyle, the host and creator of 'LASS.' "No one knowing who will be next, it just feeds the lack of job security."

"I totally won the paper clip harpoon competition," said Doe James, who survived for a whole week consuming only rubber bands.

James was the first to be eliminated followed by his assistant, Cathy Dekodak.

Drama heightened when a scuffle between Will Oldman and James Skooltz, over who used seventeen freshman faith interviews to start a fire, sent Oldman packing. Fans of Oldman wore pastel colored pants and ties around campus for an entire week after he was voted out. His coat rack was auctioned off for three financial aid award letters and a course cap override to fellow employee Gem Hennigan.

"I don't even wear a coat," said Hennigan, who later voted herself out of the competition.

The show took on increasing popularity as contestants grew more and more excited to see who would be next.

"Sometimes the thrill of it all kept me up at night," said Skooltz. "Anticipating the reality that I might wake up without a job. It was exhilarating."

International Admission Counselor Regina Madison was eliminated after bringing in far too many international students. Counselor Shaft Bryan departed in search of 70's Hollywood glory and Skooltz was voted out for just being too gosh darn efficient. 

The show concluded with the climactic elimination of Lonnie Justiceson and Staff Sullivan, two esteemed members of the 'LASS' cast.

"We thought about declaring a winner, but decided just to eliminate the entire cast," snickered Argyle. "Justiceson and Sullivan just had way too much experience and besides, they were both alumni."

This came as a surprise to many, especially student Esther Teeney, who lost $25 in a Baxter betting pool.

With plans to begin filming a second season, fans can expect to experience laughter, tears, and an entirely white cast. Until then, the nine former contestants will be sorely missed.

Scientists blame global warming on methane gases, PBA students after Chipotle giveaway

Some laughed when they discovered that the molecular formula for methane gas (CH4) was also the first two letters of Chipotle, a Mexican grill fast-food restaurant. Man were they sorry.

Offering a free burrito and soft drink to all those with a PBA ID, Chipotle attracted a line of students and faculty that weaved around, through, and out the door of their restaurant on Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard.

The line however, did not end when students received and began eating their burrito, but continued another quarter mile, directly into three porto-potties positioned appropriately outside the restaurant.

Lasting all day Wednesday, Chipotle's parking lot was never lacking of incoming PBA burrito lovers, some returning a second time with even more voracious appetites, eager to engulf their maws in the flavor filled Mexican treat.

"I came five times," said freshman Angus Musterfork. "One for each of my senses," he added in a Spanish accent.

According to exit polls, over 500 PBA students and faculty participated in the giveaway, raising the earths temperature almost 1/10th of a degree. Thank you guacamole!

Incoming freshman actually a Darwin fish

When RA's were informed that freshman Darles Charwin had been naturally selected for Rinker dormitories, they thought nothing of the matter. They soon discovered however, that the situation was of a much more advanced and higher importance.

After checking in, settling down into his new campus apartment, and beginning classes, Charwin appeared to be handling the 'transitionary' stages of college life very well. Maybe too well.

Faculty and staff became suspicious of Charwin when four legs began to slowly evolve, over time, from his fish hat throughout fish week.

Charwin's roomate, Alfredo Wegener, notified school authorities when Charwin began spending "way too much time" in the PBA weight room, all the while excessively singing Destiny's Child's "I'm a Survivor".

"He kept talking about surfing in the Panthalassa," said Wegener. "I just thought it was slang for flagpole."

While not a single one of Charwin's admissions counselors was to be found, his files revealed some very provocative information

Charwin was discovered to be an international student from Pangaea, Earth, with a date of birth of sometime around the vernal equinox of 240,000,000 B.C.

PBA science specialists Dr. Lovebliss and Dr. Cheeseness were immediately brought in to run carbon dating tests on Charwin's limbs and face.

While the results are still pending as to whether Charwin is in fact the missing link, a resounding "we told you so," has been heard coming from all PBA science laboratories. Dr. Lovebliss has also been spotted staring into the sky, pondering the good ol' days of the early Jurassic period.

Wazoo Weekend repeats 'Most awesomest event title of the year'

After initially planning to title this past weekend's event "Out the Wazoo Weekend," Student Activities settled for a title that merely means the same thing as "Butthole Weekend."

"It just sounded so funny," said Neil Better, when asked about his decision to name the event after such a provocative body part.

The event, hosted at the Harriet Himmel Theatre in City Place, was created to wow the PBA student body with a fun evening of crazy games, amazing gift bags, and other insanely totally tubular prizes.

The event attracted a wide variety of participants beyond students.

Parking lots were packed to the hilt when over 10,000 licenced proctologists arrived, hoping to catch all the action of the 'jousting' tournament.

Half the population of Key West was also reported to have attended simply to gaze upon the pirate sword-swallowing spectacle.

While they ultimately decided on Wazoo Weekend, PBA considered several other names for the event, including:

1. "Wacky Wiener Weekend"
2. "Big Bosom Blast Weekend"
3. "Rectum Rally Weekend"
4. "Testicle Spectacle Weekend"