PBA hires Blackwater to beef up Safety & Security

With recent dorm break-ins and other safety issues creating worry for PBA students, the administration has been taking steps to fortify campus security. One of these steps has been the hiring of Blackwater Worldwide to patrol campus.

Blackwater is a private security contractor, founded in 1997, which provides protection for pay. Some of its forces are currently stationed in Iraq providing security services alongside American troops.

The group has met controversy in the past few years for its aggressive actions, including the killing of Iraqi civilians, but this has provided an encouragement to PBA administrators.

"Students need to feel safe on campus," said Safety & Security director Terry Tirer. "Blackwater's policy of 'shoot first, shoot more later' will no doubt help curb the amount of crime at PBA."

The security contractor would also come in handy during visits by activist groups. The healthy supply of arms plans to be an effective barrier to protestors attempting to enter the chapel.

Some students, however, are wary of the idea and may feel intimidated by Blackwater's presence on campus.

"I was told West Palm Beach was a safe area," said freshman Evelyn Mosslepot-Williams-Calusa. "I was also told the art program had state-of-the-art buildings."

Freshmen suffer cataracts from staring at indecent Google images

While the PBA firewall is able to block access to most inappropriate websites, it is not able to completely protect freshman boys from access to alternate sources of visual stimulation.

"Google Images is a very serious problem," said the director of Lust Free Living, a group at PBA centered on helping students to overcome their lustful desires. "Not only do the previews of searched Google images cause students to back-track, but they also may lead to serious eye problems, including cataracts."

A cataract is a cloud that develops in the crystalline lens of the eye, which restricts the passage of light. Their severity ranges from slight vision loss to blindness.

Most doctors believe that cataracts are caused from long-term exposure to ultraviolet light. Many in the PBA community however, have surmised that the recent outbreak is the result of sheer trauma from the discovery of Google images.

"I thought my roommate was kidding," said Lloyd Vanderbulb, a freshman from Minnesota.

Vanderbulb used to see 20/20, but is now nearsighted and has trouble catching a frisbee.

He is only one of many freshman boys struggling with the urge to search.

Greg Turfmol alone spent over 57 consecutive hours on the Google image browser.

"There are just so many options to choose from," said Turfmol with a patch over his right eye.

Luckily for them, there is hope. Next semester, PBA will be holding a discussion on the issue of lust and Christian living, at which they will be handing out lechery-slaying swords for students to use against the devil's legion of lust pirates.

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PBA disarms potential idea threats

Several weeks ago, administrators received an anonymous tip about a potential idea threat to the PBA campus. With the Idea Alert System already on code red, school officials were not willing to take any chances.

Idea-proof vests were immediately purchased for Safety and Security, faculty, and staff. The entire student body was also required to wear Bose 'idea-cancelling' headphones.

"We can't risk the safety of our students in the chance that a harmful idea were to ever penetrate school boundaries," said the spokesman for the newly coordinated Idea Committee. "Besides, what would parents and trustees think?"

Despite the hard work and planning (including screwing shut the back doors of all Towers suites), however, reports Friday showed that three masked African-American ideas were allegedly seen entering school property through a philosophy classroom. They were then spotted making their way over to the DeSantis Family chapel toward a large crowd of students.

Fortunately, Safety and Security, along with multiple school administrators, were already on the scene, waiting.

One of the masked ideas was first reported to have begun shouting the non-trinitarian doctrinal essays of Michael Servetus at an innocent freshman girl. A security officer, however, was able to leap through the air in front of the girl, all the while shouting, "Nooooooo," and absorb the entire onslaught into his left ear.

Another suspect suddenly pulled the pin on an idea grenade, launching it violently into a group of sophomore Physics majors. A school administrator immediately reacted, hurling his entire body over the potential disaster, embracing the full explosion of the scientific method.

The last suspect was apparently a nonviolent activist idea, and upon witnessing the chaos, sat Indian-style on the pavement and began singing Hebrew spirituals. He was soon tackled and apprehended.

The three ideas were adequately subdued, and are now in the custody of authorities. As for the security officer, he has reportedly been committed to a quarantined cell for sixteen weeks. The school administrator is recovering, though still in critical condition.

An administrator demonstrates how to effectively avoid multiple distasteful ideas at once.

Former PBA faculty members still enjoy some Bacon

PBA combats economic downturn, begins firing entire staff

During a time of economic uncertainty, there are many industries feeling financial pressure. From banks and big businesses all the way down to the local paint store on your intramural field, Americans are feeling the squeeze. Luckily for the credit markets, the government has decided to give them a $700 billion bailout to help them weather the storm.

PBA, receiving no such assistance, has found relief in a plan to terminate 110% of its staff.

"God wants us to sacrifice it all, which means our staff has to go," said a PBA administrator.

PBA sent a SIFE student to Washington to lobby for an earmark to include PBA in some of that sweet cash, but they were unsuccessful.

With admission numbers down due to the economy, money has become even scarcer around PBA. Some students are starting to notice how PBA has begun to pinch pennies from limiting the amount of toilet paper students can use in the dorms to selling off certain dorms altogether. As these plans failed to make up for the deficit in PBA’s budget, the administration had to come up with a new plan.

"No staff equals no paychecks equals more savings equals money in the bank," said a school administrator. "Cha-ching!" she added while pumping her fist.

By getting rid of employees, PBA will not have to use any tuition dollars for things like lower- to middle-level employee salaries. They have decided to drop 20 jobs and see where it goes from there.

The first to go included Chantee Picard, Debbie Wrathe, Jingle Garrett, and Igor Manic. More are to come in the following weeks.

Upset at this decision, the Steering Committee was seen giving a standing ovation and doing the sprinkler dance all day on the Rinker Green. Though this market correction has been met with some initial pessimism, PBA staff is being told to think of the big picture.

"We will all have to make sacrifices," commented accounting professor Raymond Pumpernickel, "but I believe the university has a bright future ahead. With a brand new reading room underway and superdorm being planned, the few employees left will be grateful to see the end of the tunnel."

PBA hires Michael Bay to direct library movie

As helicopters circled the campus on Thursday, Michael Bay, big-budget director of Transformers and Bad Boys II, envisioned the aerial shots as part of his new film, Phase II.

Bay was hired by PBA earlier this year to direct the film about the 80-year old octagonal building that will become a rotunda reading room in Phase II of the Warren Library's construction.

"I feel honored to be a part of this process," Bay said. "In time we can make this film another blockbuster."

The film begins with a heart-wrenching account of First Baptist Church members constructing the building with their bare hands using the rubble from the destructive 1928 hurricane. Earlier this summer, Bay oversaw the destruction of the Blomeyer Library through the use of dynamite and massive explosions, destroying the work of the aforementioned churchgoers.

Like his 2001 blockbuster Pearl Harbor, Bay is hoping to capture the historical era accurately. He has enlisted the help of the Historical Society of Palm Beach County to ensure that the film is free of anachronisms.

The film's budget is expected to break records, but that doesn't seem to faze the director.

"Of course it's going to be expensive to make this movie," commented Bay, "but you can't create awesome explosions and action-packed adventure without spending a little cash."