In preparation for the Socratic Club’s upcoming faculty debate, entitled “Is Intelligent Design a Valid Alternative to Evolution,” PBA is under a heightened state of security.
“We are still a bit worn out from the whole SoulForce thing,” commented a bicycle-mounted PBA cop. “It’s tough work stifling free speech, but we think we’ll be ready.”
Despite increased security, Tom Cheeseknees, who will be arguing the pro-evolution side, is beefing up his own private security service. Because of his professed Catholicism, Cheeseknees previously hired Peggy “One Man” VanArmy to act as his bodyguard, protecting him from angry Protestants.
“VanArmy has done a good job for me. However, with the debate coming up, I thought it was time to bring in the big guns, so I've sought out Donald Lovejoy.”
Known for his superhuman feats of strength in the gym, Lovejoy gladly accepted Cheeseknees’ offer: “If I can bench 350, I can definitely protect that sissy Cheeseknees.”
The opposing camp, meanwhile, was brimming with confidence that their man, Paul Cofaunus, can take Cheeseknees down.
“In his book, True for You, but You Are Wrong,” commented Cofaunus’ agent, “Cofaunus demonstrates that evolution is false. In fact, in his nine books, four edited volumes, and twenty-seven journal articles, Cofaunus proves conclusively that you have to be a moron not to be a Christian—well, an evangelical Christian, anyway.”
Socratic Club Faculty Sponsor Sam “Don King” Seriousel seemed callous about the whole thing.
“Only in America, baby!” shouted Seriousel while the theme from Rocky blared in his office. “I won’t be happy unless the debaters come to blows—or at least if one of them is reduced to tears.”
Although the debate is still weeks away, militantly Christian PBA students, known as the God Squad, have already begun demonstrating outside Gregory Hall.
“First they let SoulForce stand on our sidewalks,” exclaimed a Bible-waving Squaddor, “then they tried to fire Ken Mahanes, then they tried to get rid of Religious Life altogether, and now they’re talking about evolution. PBA is losing its Christian identity!”
“Yeah,” chimed in another Squaddor, “as our former president used to say, Harvard also was once a Christian school. And look at what happened to it. Do we really want to be like Harvard? Do we? Do we?”
The debate is scheduled to take place at 7:30 p.m. on October 1 in Gregory Hall 114. Students are advised to attend at their own risk.
22 comments:
Oh Man!!! Welcome back, and thank you for the fresh bacon! Delicious!
chewy with a little bit of crisp. just how i like it.
I can't believe you had to mention Dr. Lovejoy again.
What is wrong with you people?
How dare you make fun of the bench press thing, claiming he can do 350 pounds.
Get real, Bacon.
Everyone knows Lovejoy can benchpress 450 pounds.
With one arm!
Lovejoy is PBA's Chuck Norris.
Don Lovejoy can kick Neo out of Zion.
Don Lovejoy doesn't use Pepto Bismol. He uses napalm.
When the lizards scurry across the sidewalk, it's because they're worried its Don Lovejoy.
The endangered species list started as a list of Don Lovejoy's enemies.
There is no theory of evolution. There is just a list of species that Don Lovejoy allows to live.
Darth Vedar is Luke Skywalder's father. Don Lovejoy is Darth Vedar's father.
When hurricanes come, Don Lovejoy spits directly into the wind and hits the Bahamas.
In his graduate research, Don Lovejoy discovered a race of aggressive super-intelligent aliens who want to attack earth. Those aliens are now waiting for Don Lovejoy to die so that they can begin the invasion. We're safe for a long while still.
Don Lovejoy met shakespeare once, and Shakespeare mocked his last name. Shakespeare died that day.
There are no intelligent students at PBA - there are only ones that Don Lovejoy has breathed on.
Students don't attend Don Lovejoy's class. They are permitted to survive his presence.
Don Lovejoy does not teach the laws of nature. He creates them.
Don Lovejoy does not benchpress 450 pounds. he permits 450 pounds to exist in proximity to him.
Don Lovejoy once met Chuck Norris. Chuck is with Shakespeare now.
Beautiful, Bacon! And with a little bit of sass! I'm looking forward to the debate myself.
Later,
KW
If Intelligent Design were true, then Copan would be more intelligent.
If Evolution were true, then Chesnes would be taller.
There must be a third way, a Grand Unified Theory...
Oh yes.
Isn't it obvious? Do you not have eyes to hear and ears to see?
LOVEJOY!
I am loving these comments, they go so well with fresh bacon!
I heard that Student Accountability was going to be monitoring the debate, and when Chesnes fires up the powerpoint of primates showing evolutional cleavage, the plug is gonna get pulled on the whole show.
Ladies and gentlemen, the same goes for all of you. No monkey cleavage at PBA.
Or people cleavage either.
I hear that there will be a cage and they'll be barefoot, wearing trunks that look like underwear.The secretaries from Sachs will be dancing outside the cage between rounds.
I hear that Spike TV is thinking about covering it.
I can't wait!
Oh, I get it. The Socratic Club pretended to be the Bacon to get some free publicity.
Rest in peace, Bacon. Admit it. You got nothing.
The Beacon will shine forever.
The Bacon is old news.
OK, the Beacon sucks too, but at least they've done anything at all. They even got an interview with Skip Bayless. Where's the Bacon's interview with Hardin?
Where's the Bacon's interview with Colbert or Stewart or with that jocular guy who works at Panera?
I will claim responsibility for this article. I've been trying for three years now to get my articles posted in the Beacon, and they always turn me away. I decided to peddle my wares elsewhere, with a Bacon twist.
More like a twist of lyme.
Get it?
Like lyme disease? Because The Bacon's dead? Get it?
Hey Bacon!
I am an alum and this is the only way I get to hear about what is going on at PBA anymore. If you won't fire up the proverbial stove top and take out the proverbial Folgers can that your mom always uses to put the bacon grease in because dad always yells at her when she pours it down the sink, how I am going to know what scintillating goodness those such as Sweet Sweet Lu and Darth Searle are up to?!?!
You have an obligation to us, Bacon!
Sizzle, darn you. Sizzle!
"Or people cleavage either."
I prefer primate cleavage, is that allowed?
zzz... might as well be in chapel...
LIVE UPDATE FROM THE DEBATE:
Copan just accused Chesnes of being a monkey-brained papist!
Chesnes responds by splashing holy water on Copan!
"Melting! Melting! What a world!"
Copan just de-evolved into a puddle on the stage. The puddle seems to be in the shape of 2,000 B.C. Canaan...
Is that an intelligent design?
Now PBA Security has entered the building. Chesnes is being cuffed! And spanked with a literal translation of Proverbs.
Now some guy with a mop and bucket is soaking up the last of Copan.
Oh, the humanity!
sigh...oh for some fresh Bacon....thanks for the comments Eye Witness.....
BIG GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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