Alcohol awareness week kicks off, party ensues

PBA email inboxes were practically overflowing this weekend with listserv invitations to a cocktail party in honor of alcohol awareness week. Health and Wellness went all out for the event, even securing popular academic rapper Asher Roth as emcee.

"We just really feel that we need to get the message out there that drinking as Christians is perfectly okay," said Health and Wellness representative Cayenne Pepper, handing out wine coolers. "In fact, we encourage it. Would you like another?"

All precautions were taken, of course, to ensure campus safety. Signs were hung in the cafeteria to let students know just how much alcohol to consume in order to stay under the legal limit.

"It's really helpful," commented a female freshman. "I can just look at this chart and figure out exactly how much I can have next time I hit up Clematis."

Not all safety measures are foolproof, however. Upon leaving the party, a car full of biology majors swerved out of control into the middle of the Rinker Green. No one was seriously injured, but there were trace amounts of so-called "party drugs" in the driver's system. When reached for comment, the anonymous student said nothing but, "It was the rats, man! The pharmacy kids and their rats!"

PBA appears to have learned its lesson from this fiasco, leaving the car in front of Rinker as a reminder and posting Safety and Security officers--armed with breathalyzers--outside of the chapel during a Newman Club event.

"Listen," asserted a Safety and Security officer, "Just because they're calling it the blood of Christ doesn't mean they can make sangria behind the organ."