Portrait of a Bacon Reader: The Secret Administrator

by Heather the freshman

Dear Bacon editor(s),

I am a devoted reader of your publication and wanted to share some thoughts.

You fellows put out some good news articles detailing the funny happenings around PBA, and as a student I can relate to everything you write. Like that article about Dr. Lovebliss, I totally remember taking a class with him! It was really fun and stuff.

Now, as a student, I believe I have quite a bit of humor to contribute to the Bacon. I can write some great stories and take some pictures incriminating some powerful people. Would you have a spot open on your staff?

I would love to meet with you personally to discuss joining the Bacon. Say, this Thursday at 3:00 PM upstairs Lassiter? That would be swell.

Thx, hugs,

Heather

Note: "Heather the freshman" is the actual pseudonym used by an administrator two years ago supposedly attempting to infiltrate our institution. Was this the goal? Who knows. Just remember to check your email signature before sending messages in sheep's clothing.

The math behind meal plans

The fine eating establishment at PBA charges more for those who buy in bulk. A loyal Bacon reader has sent in a spreadsheet detailing the difference in cost between the average meal bought by meal plan and the one bought on Flex Dollars:

The average meal from a meal plan costs $9.89, while the average meal paid for individually in cash is $8.57. With Flex Dollars, the price is even lower: $7.76.

In addition to paying more for bulk, PBA meal plans are considerably costlier than other private schools. Wheaton College in Illinois, consistently ranked among the best in the United States for on-campus dining, has an average meal plan price of $7.07. Wheaton is not served by Sodexo, but Bon Appetit Management, a California-based company. Biola University in California, also served by Bon Appetit, has an average price of $7.38.

Lower prices are also present at other universities served by Sodexo. The University of Tampa, a private university slightly larger than PBA, has an average meal plan price of $7.66. Although Sodexo does charge a price for its services, the prices are set by PBA.

We didn't know how to make this funny.

Dr. Clark's BlackBerry stolen, forced to read Beacon in chapel

'Research' grants given to anyone who wants one

Caught up in Washington politics, PBA seems to have given in to spreading the wealth by funding its own pork-barrel projects. The recent 2009 Quality Initiative Research Grant divested $28,000 from the university’s budget in order to support eight faculty members and four students with the intention this money be used for scientific and scholarly research. 

Seeing PBA's generosity, others lobbied for their share of an "initiative" package, and all of them got it under the new Matthew 7:7 policy.

“This sort of spending is just plain wasteful,” said frequent Beacon contributor Tetzel Harlem. “PBA is intent on cooking up 'Bacon barrel' spending which will drive us deeper into authoritarianism.”

“We can’t just universitionalize our science labs,” said College Republican Mark Lincoln, recipient of a substantial zoology 'research' grant.

Already struggling with containing the ever-growing philosophy department, the school was forced to give in to professor Dr. Chastekott’s demands and award him some of the initiative money as well.

“As this philosophy market bubble expands the only choice we have is to keep feeding this unpredictable industry, hoping the bubble burst will one day make it completely unprofitable,” said an administrator. “If this means students won’t be able to find jobs in philosophy once they graduate, that’s a risk we’ll need to take.”

A growing concern about the package is that the money will be misused. In an attempt to assure PBA that their money is being spent wisely, the science and philosophy departments took out full-page Beacon advertisements detailing their "research." 

“We’re gonna invest the money in lotto tickets,” said junior Mike Hight, a business major. “Statistically, it shouldn’t fail!”

Intramural team hopes spirit will help them win

One of PBA's new intramural soccer teams, Team Spirit, has a new player who is shaking up their competition. Joseph, former resident of the Riddle House, has recently joined the Team Spirit roster. Although Joseph ended his physical existence in the attic of the Riddle House in the 1920s, his spirit has been encouraging intramural teams give 110% for over 20 years.

The Riddle House stood on the site of the intramural field until the 1980s, when it was moved to the Yesteryear Village at the South Florida Fairgrounds. It served as a house for the Riddles, and, more recently, a PBA girls dormitory.

As Joseph was cohabitating, he began to develop a love for PBA's intramural sports teams. For over 20 years, Joseph has been a spectator. This year marks the first time Joseph will be playing for one of the teams.

Seen by some as a disability, Joseph hopes to use his lack of corporeality to help his team win. Joseph notes that he cannot trip in potholes or kick sand around.

"I may not be physically fit for the team, but I have enough spirit to help us succeed."

Special Report: PETA request exposed

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has asked PBA to ditch their iconic sailfish mascot in favor of the "Sea Kitten" Due to widespread confusion concerning PETA's logic, The Bacon investigative journalist John Spamino has been looking into the unusual request.

While thoroughly skimming the Palm Beach Post article, Spamino found that the newly created Sea Kitten was "created by PETA."

After casually consulting a lawyer friend about copyright laws, Spamino realized that if PBA honored PETA's request, the largest animal rights organization would hold all rights to PBA's mascot. Basketball jerseys and Sea Kitten Cup flyers would be fundraisers for PETA.

PETA is placing the pressure on PBA in an attempt to coerce researchers at PBA's state-of-the-art rat lab to immediately end their studies into the effects of party drugs.

PETA planned to place Sailfish Jack's role as mascot under scrutiny until the lab's forty lab rats are free to roam the city. The researchers had chosen the number of rodents to celebrate PBA's 40 fabulous years as an institution of higher learning.

Ida Robinson, President of PETA, commented, "Knowledge is inferior to rats."