Pre-health student declares coma patient awake

Kelly Fortress, a female pre-health student, declared a coma patient "awake" to the celebration of his family. The patient, Dan Goonchild, has been in a coma for the past three years.

 The family took Goonchild off life support only to discover that he was not awake. Goonchild died at the age of 22.

"I, like, thought he was, like, really really hot. My friends and I call hot guys 'awake.' I didn't mean to kill him. I'm, like, really really sorry and stuff," said Fortress.

PBA is discussing whether the Facebook group should meet the same fate as Goonchild. 

An open letter to The Beacon

Dear Beacon,

Although we cordially participated in the Sea Kitten portion of your most recent issue, we were saddened to find a major edit to our submission. Our submission included the following sentence: "Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics, but has been kicked out of the weight room due to his nudity."

The Beacon published "Aristotle Popodopoulos, an international student from Greece, has been attempting to bring back the spirit of the ancient Olympics."

When we sent the submission, the following message was sent with it:

"Please contact us before any changes are made, and please credit the author as "www.thebacon.org." Thx, hugs."

We received no email about the edit.

The Bacon staff is offended by the edit, and the breach of trust concerning the article. We would appreciate an apology and a retraction in the next issue.

The Bacon Staff

Mike Huckabee punches Big T in the face

Website sparks uproar, cries of FML

Students are up in arms about a controversial new decision regarding human rights and freedom of speech.

PBA recently added F*** My Life, a popular online destination among teens and twenty-somethings, to its list of blocked websites, citing “adult content.” The site, better known as FML, is a daily-updated collection of hilarious and embarrassing anecdotes, many of them explicitly sexual in content.

Many resident students have already taken to the streets, voicing their anger in violent protest. “This is ridiculous,” said freshman Mitch Rurry. “They already have MTV and Comedy Central blocked on the TV, and now I can’t even read my favorite raunchy website!” he exclaimed while tossing a Molotov cocktail through an upstairs window in Borbe Hall.

Safety and Security have beefed up their numbers in retaliation, calling in reinforcements from the West Palm Beach police department’s SWAT division. “This is even bigger than Soulforce,” said an officer when reached for comment. “We might have to break out the tear gas.”

A particularly poignant submission recently posted on the website reads as follows: “Today, I got back from my Point 58 Bible study and clicked on my FML bookmark expecting to be entertained for hours by reading about the misfortune of others. I was horrified to find my daily dose of dirty humor blocked by my stupid Christian school. FML”

Walmart assassins struggle to find women, shoot bearded men instead

Due to widespread warnings of gang shootings by Twitter and text message, PBA females avoided local Walmarts last night. Apparently originating with the West Palm Beach Police Department, the rumor told of gang members that would shoot three women at Walmart last night as part of an initiation. Fortunately, all Palm Beach Atlantic women avoided the retail giant's Palm Beach County stores.

The all-female gang involved, the "Wellington She-Thugz," also got word of the shootings tonight. Fearing lack of choice in victims, the She-Thugz decided to target bearded men. Unfortunately, text message warnings disseminate slower amongst bearded men.

 Entering the Walmart on Military Trail at 11:13, the gang fired upon three bearded men shopping in the produce aisle. The three men were pronounced dead on the scene, as the shooters fled in a red Volkswagen Beetle.

Did you mean: PBA Bacon?

The Bacon actually posts an article this week

The Bacon, "PBA's most reliable news source," has actually posted an article this month. The article, entitled "PBA makes last-ditch effort to enforce shoes before Spring Break," is the first post since March 3.

The Bacon was started in 2007 as a satirical site that would poke fun at Palm Beach Atlantic's various policies and idiosyncrasies. While The Bacon started off with articles of genius satire, most critics think that "it has not been as funny in recent years." While most of the criticism comes from one user, "Anonymous," the feelings are thought to be widespread.

"I'm glad those guys finally got their act together. I usually like to take a break from my heavy load of papers, work, and extracurricular activities and read articles on The Bacon. They just haven't been doing it that much lately," said junior Devin Rangoon.



The Bacon staff has only written about ten posts this year, while criticism has been piling up. One Bacon reader also recently stated that he did not know that The Bacon was still writing stories.

Though The Bacon encourages others to contribute by sending articles to their email address, only a few articles have been sent in the past two months.

PBA makes last-ditch effort to enforce shoes before Spring Break

In an attempt to combat the growing trend of breaking The Navigator’s foot dress code policies, PBA officials slyly introduced a line of footwear to the campus under the guise of fashionable charity.

TOMS shoes made a visit to the Rinker green on March 6, peddling shoes with the promise of providing a pair to a child in need for every pair purchased.

Hundreds of students, many sporting Livestrong bracelets and (RED) iPods, lined up for the elevator to the Weyenberg center for hours in order to catch even a glimpse of the TOMS documentary before the shoes went on sale at noon.

“I think it’s a great organization,” said sophomore Brent Evans. “With every shoe I purchase, I am able to impress people by subtly letting them know that I care about starving children in another country.”

Safety and Security officers were present at the event, monitoring the apparent success of their covert operation. Exchanging a high five with one such officer, Student Accountability director Derek Powdersilk commented, “Now if only we could make abstinence into some kind of chic clothing item.”

Students protest Spring Formal 2009

Student Activities is hosting Spring Formal 2009 on April 18. Although the Director of Student Activities, Jennifer Shout, is hoping for the second successful Spring Formal in recent years, some students on campus are putting on large demonstrations in protest.

"I think the Titanic theme is entirely inappropriate," said freshman John Exxon. "Respect for the Sri Lankan deceased is the reason why I didn't go to last year's Spring Formal, too."

The Titanic disaster led to the deaths of 1,517 people, which is seen by the protesters as an insensitive theme for the Spring Formal. The students involved in the protests are promoting a boycott of the event. Unlike past years when no one signed up, Spring Formal 2009 is being boycotted for a reason.

The theme is not the only reason why students are furious.

"Twenty five dollars? That would have been reasonable last year, but I just lost my spending money in the stock market," remarked senior Christopher Cross.

Despite a lack of unity in purpose, students will be staging a sit-on aboard the "SS Ironhorse," the Student Activities golf cart and symbol of naval disasters around the world.