Reading rotunda opens, students confused

PBA's long-awaited Lassiter rotunda recently had its grand opening, leaving many students wondering about the possible uses of such a space. Featuring three floors of books and study spaces, an officially designated reading room, and located adjacent to the celebrated Club Warren, the addition is seen by some to be entirely out of place.

"I just don't understand why someone would want to do homework here," said club-goer Bryan Saran. "It's stupid. I mean, you never see people trying to read across the street from Dr. Feelgood's."

Students found studying in the new space have complained about the level of noise coming from the ongoing party next door, particularly the bumping beats coming from the pharmacy students' third floor rave. As of this writing, PBA officials have made minimal effort to address these concerns.

"If students want a quiet place to study, there are plenty of those places available on campus. They don't have to do it here," stated brand new Club Warren manager Steven Cook. "I usually tell them to try the student center, or maybe the Baxter lobby. This is a club, not some kind of library."

Despite the commotion, students wishing to study in the rotunda have largely found the experience rewarding.

"It really is a great place," commented a frequent rotunda reader. "My only qualm is that I get really distracted by Dr. Clark and Kim Kardashian coming in the Club Warren VIP entrance every night."

PBA beefs up security in preparation for Socratic Club debate

In preparation for the Socratic Club’s upcoming faculty debate, entitled “Is Intelligent Design a Valid Alternative to Evolution,” PBA is under a heightened state of security.

“We are still a bit worn out from the whole SoulForce thing,” commented a bicycle-mounted PBA cop. “It’s tough work stifling free speech, but we think we’ll be ready.”

Despite increased security, Tom Cheeseknees, who will be arguing the pro-evolution side, is beefing up his own private security service. Because of his professed Catholicism, Cheeseknees previously hired Peggy “One Man” VanArmy to act as his bodyguard, protecting him from angry Protestants.

“VanArmy has done a good job for me. However, with the debate coming up, I thought it was time to bring in the big guns, so I've sought out Donald Lovejoy.”

Known for his superhuman feats of strength in the gym, Lovejoy gladly accepted Cheeseknees’ offer: “If I can bench 350, I can definitely protect that sissy Cheeseknees.”

The opposing camp, meanwhile, was brimming with confidence that their man, Paul Cofaunus, can take Cheeseknees down.

“In his book, True for You, but You Are Wrong,” commented Cofaunus’ agent, “Cofaunus demonstrates that evolution is false. In fact, in his nine books, four edited volumes, and twenty-seven journal articles, Cofaunus proves conclusively that you have to be a moron not to be a Christian—well, an evangelical Christian, anyway.”

Socratic Club Faculty Sponsor Sam “Don King” Seriousel seemed callous about the whole thing.

“Only in America, baby!” shouted Seriousel while the theme from Rocky blared in his office. “I won’t be happy unless the debaters come to blows—or at least if one of them is reduced to tears.”

Although the debate is still weeks away, militantly Christian PBA students, known as the God Squad, have already begun demonstrating outside Gregory Hall.

“First they let SoulForce stand on our sidewalks,” exclaimed a Bible-waving Squaddor, “then they tried to fire Ken Mahanes, then they tried to get rid of Religious Life altogether, and now they’re talking about evolution. PBA is losing its Christian identity!”

“Yeah,” chimed in another Squaddor, “as our former president used to say, Harvard also was once a Christian school. And look at what happened to it. Do we really want to be like Harvard? Do we? Do we?”

The debate is scheduled to take place at 7:30 p.m. on October 1 in Gregory Hall 114. Students are advised to attend at their own risk.