The Bacon, formerly PBA's most reliable news source, recently woke from a year-long slumber. Last Tuesday evening, an anonymous Bacon staffer took a break from Smokers' Wall, and actually wrote an article entitled "Campus-wide Wi-Fi a success among males." He then returned to his Towers apartment to utilize said Wi-Fi.
We tried to catch up with The Bacon for an interview, but were promptly denied. One staffer was thought to have said "We can't risk another Heather the freshman incident." Thankfully, we found this letter in our PBA mailbox the next day.
We are sorry. We have failed in our journalistic duties. In order to make up for all of the events we have missed in the past year, we would like to make a few formal apologies.
We apologize, Dr. Clark. We understand how terribly disappointed you must be. If it is any consolation, know that we will never forget to bring our Blackberry to chapel. That one goes out to you, too, Bernie.
We beg forgiveness from you, rebellious undergraduate and distinguished alumni. We're sure you've been lost in the dark without us. We shall not hide our lamp under a bushel any longer.
PBA faculty and staff, we implore you to forgive us our trespasses in not reporting the facts on internal goings-on in 2010. We are here to serve you as part of the holistic campus community, and we have failed in this duty. A special apology to you, Dr. Lovejoy. President Hardin, we promise to write plenty about you.
We've missed bug races, Sailfish Cups, countless Beacon articles, and another exclusive administrative Christmas party in the infamous Club Warren. We've missed news on the new athletic facilities and the ever-expanding parking lots. Most importantly, we've missed the opportunity to remember beloved professors we've lost. Dr. Hembree, Professor Seeds, we honor your memory.
The Bacon is turning over a new leaf and bringing this PBA institution back to life. Expect more posts on relevant events, some with classic Bacon satire, some with very little spin. We'll also be reposting some throwback articles in an effort to reach the tens of thousands of new Bacon readers and educate them on some PBA history. Finally, we'll be introducing a new feature with a decidedly serious tone to shed light on some of the less publicized happenings around campus.
Our goal is to bring you, the reader, information. We seek to promote honesty and healthy discussion. And we need your help. Send your suggestions and ideas to email@example.com. We are your humble servants.
The Bacon staff"