Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Campus-wide Wi-Fi a success among males
Two new additions to PBA’s campus are raising student and faculty eyebrows alike (among other things). Upon returning for the spring semester, freshman Ben Catwoman was shocked to discover a crisp stack of Playboy magazines outside of the Fresh Food Company, formerly Fraser dining hall.
“I wasn’t sure what to do,” said Catwoman. “I thought it might be some sort of test, so I ignored them… the first time.”
Some students, however, are outraged, claiming that the advocacy of such practices as pornography rejects PBA’s heritage as a Christian institution. “If I wanted to be surrounded by smut, I would have stayed in New Jersey!” cried a junior biology major.
With the recent dissolution of the Student Accountability office, many instances of student malfeasance are going unreported and unpunished. One look into the Baxter/Oceanview dumpster will show that residents may be doing more than brushing their teeth with bottles of Jack Daniels.
Regarding this matter, university president Lu Hardin went on record to say, “Now that we’ve finally installed wireless internet in all of the various dormitories, we’ve also felt the need to remove our infamous filter. All of us know about the passions of young men, and we don’t want them to stumble upon anything too risqué in this new virtual playground. The Playboy installation is a safe and quantifiable alternative to Google Images.”
Free distribution stands for the world-famous pornographic magazine can be found in front of the cafeteria and outside of the library, and they are restocked weekly. Tech-savvy students can find an e-book version available for download from PBA’s website.