Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day sweeps campus, Boaz to blame


While couples across the nation honor the feast day of St. Valentine, hopeful male students from Rinker to Towers have had their romantic dreams dashed to pieces in the past couple of weeks due in part to this year's women's conference.

"The situation is out of control," expressed a visibly dejected Shane Fortress. "One of the main reasons I came to PBA was because of the 17:1 girl to guy ratio. I figured I'd meet a nice girl first semester, settle down, and get married by spring of my junior year. Now they're telling me I'm not a Boaz? I don't get it. I'm not exactly looking for a Bathsheba."

Bible name-calling has escalated since the the conclusion of the women's conference. Many faculty members are shocked by this behavior as it seems to suggest that students may actually be reading their Bibles. Girls have been spotted around campus sporting t-shirts with slogans such as "Go Boaz or Go Home" and "I'm on a Boaz." WWBD bracelets are expected by the end of the month.

Hannah Szester, a Baxter resident, told us "I once read a book called The Prayer of Boaz. I've been really inspired to find my Boaz and expand my territory."

Critical of these events is assistant professor of biblical studies, Dr. Nathan Dane. "For one thing, Boaz was probably decades older than Ruth. And y'all should know that the Hebrew word for feet is also a euphemism for genitals. When it says Ruth uncovered his feet... well, I think you get the picture."

Still, the movement remains unfazed, and Valentine's Day traffic at the sea wall is projected at an all-time low, much to the relief of Palm Beach joggers and students parked at Chapel by the Lake.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Where can I get a shirt and matching bracelet?

Anonymous said...

Try YOUR Campus Store. I hear they've got everything AND the kitchen sink.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow! I was wondering where I could go to get a kitchen sink, I am in real need of one. I'll head over there now to check it out as well as to pick up a shirt and bracelet.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, I would pay good money for an "I'm on a Boaz" shirt.

Imelderly Marose said...

Bacon! I need Bacon!

Mary Magdalene said...

My mouth waters as the smell of fresh bacon wafts up my nostrils.