Navigator adds rules against money laundering, wire fraud

In light of recent administrative occurrences, Interim President Bill Fleming is taking precautions to make sure the university is able to move forward.

"We've recently lost an employee who was very well liked by students," said Fleming. "Our concern is that students will follow his example, so the board of trustees has decided that the 2011-2012 Navigator will contain a clause prohibiting money laundering and wire fraud."

Many students are worried about this change. Since Aramark has already done away with swiping other people into the cafeteria, it is one sophomore's fear that using another person's ID to get food may amount to wire fraud. "I heard what happened to Lu," said Jordan Skimmy. "I mean, he gave us Spring Formal last year, so I can't imagine what he did was that bad, but they might give him twenty years! I can't take chances like that."

"I'm going to lay low for a while," said a commuter student, deciding not to share his identity. "I'm not just worried about using my friend's ID; I'm pretty sure my mom signed the community values thing for me."

Other concerns come from Weyenberg residents, who are afraid that since they possess the only coin-operated laundry facility on campus, they may be accused of money laundering. "I'm just not sure," said Connor Knightly. "I probably drop 300 grand a semester just to do towels and sheets. Is Safety and Security monitoring that?"

President Fleming is confident, however, that despite student paranoia, the new rules will fit right into the school's established moral code. "It's mostly a formality. Like chapel attendance or Workship."